Kris' Rant: The 7 ATM (bankmachine) protocols

Automated Tellers, not the porno related ATM, you dirty freak

I find myself boiling into a rage everytime that I go to use an ATM. I just want to pull out 20$ in the next 30 seconds. Is that too much to ask for?

The following are simple guidelines to ensure fast and irritation-free access to our money:

1) Know where to stand - Hey jackass, I can feel you breathe down my neck, and that better be a roll of quarters in your pocket. Unless the ATM is in a 3x3 foot room, you shouldn't be standing so close to me. Not without paying me first. Luckily for you, there's a cash machine right here. I'll let you breathe on me for 10 bucks, grind against me for 20, and it's 50 bucks for the "around the world". Standing 20 feet away doesn't help either. How am I supposed to know that you are waiting in line? From where I'm standing, you look like some creep that stares at people's asses all day long. Here's a tip: the perfect distance is 5 feet away.

2) Don't pay your bills - So you set up your account so that you can pay your bills at the machine? If you are able to do that, then you obviously have the knowledge to set up internet banking. Are you trying to hide the fact that you spent 400$ on porno last month from your wife? Move your ass out of my way, I have my own porno to buy, and cash leaves no paper trail.

3) Don't transfer money into several accounts - Look at Bill Gates over here with all his financial wheeling and dealing. Only, if you were actually Bill Gates, you would know that time is money, and in this case you are wasting your own and, more importantly, mine. Fuck you you inconsiderate bastard. Don't you know who I am? Go see a bank teller for that shit. It helps restore the self-confidence that their solid weekend of training has only served to undermine.

4) Don't be an old person - Are you old and want to use the ATM? Don't bother. Technology frightens you, and if the ATM had feelings, it would feel the same towards you. Oh, I have no doubt that you would figure it out eventually. It is just that watching you try is more frustrating than entertaining. Let the good people behind the desk help you.

"Too many buttons!"

5) Updating your passbook - If you recently found your old checking book under the couch covered in what used to be Doritoes, please burn it. You went on this long without updating it, what's another 6 months? Besides, you can turn the mystery into a fun game. My favorite game:"Do I have enough money to eat this week?" I win more than 50% of the time.

6) Stop looking behind you - Seriously, don't look back at me every ten seconds to glare at me because you're a paranoid fuck, I'm not going to rob you. Well, I wasn't going to rob you, but you have to be paranoid about something. I wonder how much cash you have in there...fuck it, I'm robbing you.

7) When you're done - Please step to the side. Don't stand there like a fucking moron looking at your receipt or start counting your money. People need to use the machine too you know. What exactly are you looking for anyway? Did you already forget how much money you pulled out? Check the other hand stupid. But Kris, maybe the ATM made an error; I don't want to lose my place in line! Even if you find a mistake, what the fuck do you want the ATM to do? Take your complaint? Unless they hired the guy that played R2D2 to live inside the machine, this isn't going to happen.

Just shout into the card reader. Kenny Baker would be more than happy to take your complaint