Razor Rant: 9 Bus Rules for Non-assholes.

Just like millions of people every day, I walk out my front door in the morning only to face the harsh reality that I am taking the bus to work. The Guess Who wrote a song about it, a fucking stupid song to be sure, but they nail situation right on the money.

Sure, I can say that my reasons for taking the bus are environmental and that I’m trying to save the planet and all that bullshit. To be honest, I’d take my car everyday, but I just can’t afford the parking and the stress of having to drive would kill me.

I didn’t always hate taking the bus, and in fact, I used to see it as a good stress-free way to get from point A to point B. I just didn’t factor in the other morons that need to take the bus too. It’s those morons that have ruined it for me, and probably a lot of other people too. I don’t even have to tell you who I’m talking about, if you have ever taken the bus then you know who I mean: people who have no concept of where they are and don’t care how their behaviour affects those around them. This is a lot like the grocery store people.

Here are a few basic rules that, if followed, would make public transportation bearable again:

1) One Person = One Seat – Public transportation isn’t necessarily meant to be comfortable. You paid what, $2-$3 for your ride? You can’t expect much for that price, so accept the fact that you need to share with others and don’t sprawl yourself out over two-three seats. Other people would like to sit too. Who the fuck do you think you are?! Just the other day, I saw 4 guys at the back of the bus occupy 11 seats! They were sprawled out in the same way you would in your own living room. Handy tip: the bus is not your house. While we’re on the subject of taking up sitting space…

2) Don’t Put Your Bag on the Seat – I don’t care how difficult a day your bag had, it wasn’t any harder than mine, and therefore I shouldn’t have to stand for 30 minutes while your books get a comfortable ride. You want to bring shit on the bus, put it on the ground in front of you or in your lap. I’m tired, I want to sit, which brings me to this…

3) If there’s a Seat Available, Sit your Ass Down – It drives me nuts when there are plenty of seats available but people insist on standing up and clogging up the aisle. Why won’t you sit down?! What are you afraid of? Was there ever a tuck-and-roll period of public transportation that I missed?

Rest assured, when you get to your stop, you’ll have plenty of time to get up from your seat and get off the bus. Just sit your ass down, it makes me nervous. Of course, the bus can sometimes be pretty full, which means that you have to stay standing, in which case…

4) Don’t Block the Doors – This is my #1 pet peeve on the bus, it drives me absolutely fucking nuts when people block the damn doors and put absolutely no effort in getting out of the way. I understand that someone has to stand in front of the door when the bus is at capacity, but if you’re that someone, be aware of the people around you and do everything you can to get out of the way. The best thing to do is to step off the bus for five seconds while you let people out and step back on. The bus driver is not going to take off while the door is open, so just step off, then step on….step off, step on…it’s that easy. While we’re on the subject of standing on the bus…

5) Hold on To Something – It’s simple physics…when the bus sets forth in motion, it sets you in motion…when the bus stops, you’re still in motion and if you’re not holding on to anything, you’re going to go flying. This might seem funny at first, but if you’re in the path of the 50 year old Italian woman who doesn’t have the presence of mind to brace herself, it’s going to get awkward. You see, she doesn’t want to fall, who can blame her, so she’ll grasp at everything and anything in order to stop her fall, and that anything could just be you. You should especially hold on to something if you have a backpack, which brings me to the following…

6) Take Off Your Backpack – There are three main reasons for this one, the first being the point above, the second being that you’re taking up unnecessary space and the third being that you’re going to nail someone in the head. If I have a backpack and I’m forced to stand up, I take it off and put it on the ground between my legs, it doesn’t get in anyone’s way and I don’t feel like a dickhead. Most importantly, if you keep your backpack on, chances are pretty good that you’re going to hit one of the people lucky enough to get a seat in the head…and that’s not cool. You may hate them because they’re sitting, but it’s not their fault, they're just following rule #3, so have enough presence of mind to ensure that you don’t nail anyone in the head. If you do hit someone, apologize, but make sure to follow the last rule…

7) Don’t Talk above the Noise – I’ll be straight with you: if I’m sitting across from you, I don’t care who you are or what you look like, I don’t give a shit about what you’re saying to your friend of to the other idiot on the other side of that conversation. I’m not asking you not to talk on the bus; I’m just asking that you monitor the volume because I don’t want to hear whatever fool thing you have to say. Chances are pretty good that you’re an idiot and what you say will anger me. Example, there was this one guy talking with his buddy and bragging about going to high school with…I don’t even remember the guy’s name…he was a quarterback for the Giants and he was on that ‘Bachelor’ show…his last name was Palmer…it doesn’t fucking matter, it was just one in a series of conversations I want erased from my memory.

8) Have your fare ready -- Except under exceptional circumstance (i.e. you had to run to catch the bus), you should never count out your bus fare on the bus. Sure, you may not know EXACTLY how much bus fare is....but you have a fucking idea. Have your goddamn change ready before the bus arrives. Better yet, buy bus tickets or a bus pass. You are not important enough to hold up a bus full of people that are anxious to get home. Sorry I had to burst your bubble there.

9) Move to the back of the bus-- People get on at the front of the bus. If you are clogging up the front, then life become difficult for everyone. Don't be douche.

If everyone follows these simple rules, trust me, people may actually start to enjoy taking the bus…this could be revolutionary…but it won’t.

Kris' Rant: The 7 ATM (bankmachine) protocols

Automated Tellers, not the porno related ATM, you dirty freak

I find myself boiling into a rage everytime that I go to use an ATM. I just want to pull out 20$ in the next 30 seconds. Is that too much to ask for?

The following are simple guidelines to ensure fast and irritation-free access to our money:

1) Know where to stand - Hey jackass, I can feel you breathe down my neck, and that better be a roll of quarters in your pocket. Unless the ATM is in a 3x3 foot room, you shouldn't be standing so close to me. Not without paying me first. Luckily for you, there's a cash machine right here. I'll let you breathe on me for 10 bucks, grind against me for 20, and it's 50 bucks for the "around the world". Standing 20 feet away doesn't help either. How am I supposed to know that you are waiting in line? From where I'm standing, you look like some creep that stares at people's asses all day long. Here's a tip: the perfect distance is 5 feet away.

2) Don't pay your bills - So you set up your account so that you can pay your bills at the machine? If you are able to do that, then you obviously have the knowledge to set up internet banking. Are you trying to hide the fact that you spent 400$ on porno last month from your wife? Move your ass out of my way, I have my own porno to buy, and cash leaves no paper trail.

3) Don't transfer money into several accounts - Look at Bill Gates over here with all his financial wheeling and dealing. Only, if you were actually Bill Gates, you would know that time is money, and in this case you are wasting your own and, more importantly, mine. Fuck you you inconsiderate bastard. Don't you know who I am? Go see a bank teller for that shit. It helps restore the self-confidence that their solid weekend of training has only served to undermine.

4) Don't be an old person - Are you old and want to use the ATM? Don't bother. Technology frightens you, and if the ATM had feelings, it would feel the same towards you. Oh, I have no doubt that you would figure it out eventually. It is just that watching you try is more frustrating than entertaining. Let the good people behind the desk help you.

"Too many buttons!"

5) Updating your passbook - If you recently found your old checking book under the couch covered in what used to be Doritoes, please burn it. You went on this long without updating it, what's another 6 months? Besides, you can turn the mystery into a fun game. My favorite game:"Do I have enough money to eat this week?" I win more than 50% of the time.

6) Stop looking behind you - Seriously, don't look back at me every ten seconds to glare at me because you're a paranoid fuck, I'm not going to rob you. Well, I wasn't going to rob you, but you have to be paranoid about something. I wonder how much cash you have in there...fuck it, I'm robbing you.

7) When you're done - Please step to the side. Don't stand there like a fucking moron looking at your receipt or start counting your money. People need to use the machine too you know. What exactly are you looking for anyway? Did you already forget how much money you pulled out? Check the other hand stupid. But Kris, maybe the ATM made an error; I don't want to lose my place in line! Even if you find a mistake, what the fuck do you want the ATM to do? Take your complaint? Unless they hired the guy that played R2D2 to live inside the machine, this isn't going to happen.

Just shout into the card reader. Kenny Baker would be more than happy to take your complaint

Razor Rant: 9 Most Irritating Things to Avoid Doing While Grocery Shopping

The store-security fashionistas took a dim view of his denim on denim faux-pas.

It never ceases to amaze me how completely unaware some people are of their surroundings, especially...ESPECIALLY in grocery stores. They walk in there and wander around as though they own the place, completely oblivious to the fact that they just cut off that renegade shopper in the discount produce aisle, and that he's just about ready to snap (i.e. - me).

I hate grocery shopping.

Here are few basic rules that everyone should follow when grocery shopping:

1) Have a game plan - Make a list, discuss whatever it is you need to discuss before entering the store, and stick to the plan once you get started. Don't park yourself across an aisle so you can fight with your wife about what kind of fabric softener gives you a rash and which one doesn't. This is the kind of shit you talk about at home.

2) Be aware of the people around you - If I've been standing beside you for the last two minutes, it's not because I'm anxiously awaiting your next move, it's because you're in my way...get out of my fucking way.

Yeah, I'm blocking the aisle a little, but look at that twit behind me.

3) Shopping carts are like cars - There will be traffic in both directions of an aisle, in order to prevent chaos, don't walk down the fucking middle, don't swerve from one side to the other, just pretend that you're driving your car. Better yet, pretend like you have half a brain.

4) Leave all unnecessary family members at home - This might sound cold, or even impossible if you're a single parent, but if you have a family member that doesn't need to be there, doesn't fit in the shopping cart, that's too weak to carry anything or doesn't get to participate in any of the decision making (which should have been done before entering the store anyway), then leave them behind, they're useless to the operation.

Otherwise, they'll just end up getting in someone else's way or you'll end up abandoning your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go off chasing after them. Leaving them at home will also avoid those mortifying public displays of assholery.





5) Give me room at the cash register - Standing as close to me as humanly possible while waiting in line isn't going to make the line go faster, so give me some fucking room. If you bump my leg one more time, I swear to god.

Also, giving me or the cashier dirty looks will also not make things go faster, so just chill, entertain yourself with the crazy tabloid headlines. I hear Britney Spears gave birth to an alien baby, possibly Charles Manson's.

6) Once at the cash register, stay at the cash register - If your husband doesn't have the power to make executive decisions at the cash register while you're browsing at the make-up counter, then don't go to the fucking make-up counter, because something will go wrong and your tool of a husband whom you've castrated long ago will have to go running after you, leaving the rest of us in line, those of us with our balls dangling safely between our legs on not strewn carelessly inside a mason jar under the sink, fuming. *Editor note: Razor's balls are too big to fit an a mason jar, otherwise that's where they would be.

7) Leave the cashiers alone - That's an obvious one. Whatever your problem is, unless it is related to some cashier related issue (e.g. incorrect change), it's not the cashier's fault. You have two options: either be a jackass and yell at them as if they deserve it (not recommended) or calmly explain to them what your problem is and chances are that they'll be glad to help.

8) The girl guides at the exit selling cookies are lying bitches - On my way out this cutie comes up to me and says, "Do you want to buy some cookies mister? They're just a dollar."

How can I refuse that? So I go over to the adults that are actually selling the cookie to buy two boxes, I give her a ten and I get a $2 back. "How much are the cookies?" "$4" I think to myself, "You little..." I should have kicked her ass just like Peter Griffin kicked the ass of that chicken who gave him a bad coupon, but I let it go, that little punk is going to get hers in hell...

9) Paying with exact change - I have no problem with it. We all want to get rid of our crappy pennies. What I do have a problem with is if you take over a minute trying to find that extra penny you have stashed away in one of your pockets. Go crazy and 'break' one of your precious nickels and get the fuck out. If nothing else, it will get you back to your hobby, returning old bottles for cash, a lot quicker. That's not your hobby you say? Then why do you care about that fucking penny so much!?