Worst. Christmas. Ever.

I've got two photoshop entries in this week's contest at Cracked.com.


******
For most children, Christmas involves at least a little disappointment. You go to sleep thinking about it every night for weeks, the people on TV make it look like it's going to be awesome, and in the end, all you have to show for it is a bunch of ugly clothes thrown everywhere.

read more digg story

The 12 Most Horrifically Misleading Euphemisms

Another article on Cracked, this one's on euphemisms. I had a lot of trouble finishing up with this one, mostly because I never felt that the writing was strong enough. Finally, I gave up and sent what I had to the editor at Cracked.

Lo and behold it wasn't edited any more than any of my other articles. I choose to interpret that as a good thing, which requires that I ignore contradictory evidence.

************
Euphemisms are terms that frame reality in just the right way, protecting everyone involved from the necessary unpleasantness. As you'll see, euphemisms are sometimes invented to hide even the most horrifying of things.

read more digg story

7 Bullshit Rumors That Caused Real World Catastrophes

Everybody loves a good rumor. Already today you've probably passed on some juicy bit of information you heard, without first rigorously tracking down its source. But sometimes, a tiny scrap of bullshit can result in fortunes lost ... and sometimes much, much worse.

read more | digg story

When (Adorable) Animals Attack

One of my photoshops is featured in this week's photoshop contest at Cracked.com. Mine is number 14, the bunny terminator.

Here are my entries that didn't make the cut:

A. Kitty Kat Kopter


B. Grindhouse Panda


C. Cute Fish Attacks Sub!


D. Puppy Godzilla


E. What a sweet smile!





Blurb:
The internet loves cuddly animals. The internet loves horrific violence. We decided to combine them.

read more digg story

7 Bullshit Rumors That Caused Real World Catastrophes

After a long sabbatical, I've got another article up over at Cracked.com today. It is about 20% my work, which means that there's an 80% chance you might enjoy it.


Blurb:
Everybody loves a good rumor. Already today you've probably passed on some juicy bit of information you heard, without first rigorously tracking down its source. But sometimes, a tiny scrap of bullshit can result in fortunes lost ... and sometimes much, much worse.

read more digg story

New Additions to my Vocabulary!

I tried hard to come up with something more boring to write about, but came up short. Stay with me though, as this will be slightly amusing to some small fraction of the internet population.

Anyway, I learned two new words this week, and I thought I would share. The source of this new knowledge: fucking Newsweek. Seriously.

I think what happened was this: I was so shocked by the fact the author was using words that I recognized as words, but whose meaning escaped me, I HAD to look them up. Very embarassing. Basically, I encounter fewer than 5 unfamilar words a year. I shouldn't see two of them in the same magazine article.

The offenders? Vituperative and callow.

I vaguely recognized that vituperative was a 'negative' word. I would have guessed that it meant loud and aggressive. I wasn't far off. The Newsweek article was describing the angry mobs that attended McCain rallies in the US prior to the election.

KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLL HIM!

As for callow, I would have guessed, quite superficially, at some combination of the words 'cad' and 'shallow'. I was a little more off the mark there, as callow does not denote anything so explicitly negative. It just means 'lacking adult sophistication'. The article was describing Obama. The descriptor is somewhat ironic, as Obama comes off as very adult and very sophisticated, at least to me.

You got something on your mind, honkey?

So there. Remember than angry republicans are 'vituperative' and that Obama is 'callow' and you will never forget these two words. Impress your friends or avoid feeling embarassed. Don't walk the same path I did.

Obscure words to impress your friends: Plaudit

A horse named plaudit who went on to sire Sarah Jessica Parker.

Greetings fellow lexicologists. After a long delay, I'm back with another word for you, continuing the short-running series: Rare Words in my Productive Vocabulary. Basically, I rack my brain for a suitably rare word, provide my advice on its meaning and usage, and then describe the first site that I find using it on google. Also, I pepper the post with random image-search pics I found using the same word as a search term. It is exactly as entertaining as it sounds.

And so, I eagerly await your plaudits, because this week's (month's? year's?) word is plaudit. It's just fun to say and it sounds just enough like applause for people to guess at your meaning.

In this case, I mean that I am literally waiting around for your literal and figurative applause or approval, knowing full well that I can never get any real confirmation or feedback, which means that I am in it for the long haul. In terms of register, which is to say 'the type of context in which use of the word is appropriate', I would say that plaudit should be treated like 'laurels'. Plaudits and laurels could be distributed at the same ceremony, much like newt's eyes and eagle talon or goat's blood and feces.

So, in other words, you'd only want to use the word plaudit when you are trying to strike a litterary, poetic tone, and when you are talking about an acknowledged accomplishment.

Or when you're trying to describe an awkward exchange of special dignity and magnificence.

I googled it, and it turns out that a few design companies have that name. It is also a popular choice among horse-breeders. It was even the name of an actual horse or twenty.

I had to go all the way down to page six before running into a page that was actually using the word. It was an article on some sort of wetland restoration project, entitled "Essex farm wins plaudit for letting the sea in" on the Surfbirds website. To put this into context, somebody thought it was a good idea to use the word plaudit in the title of some obscure web-article. A web-article that was ostensibly meant to inform people of something factual, not wax poetic. The article is uncredited, but whoever you are sir, I salute you!

You could have gone with 'accolades' or 'cudos' or 'praise' or something, but instead picked a relatively obscure word. Either you are brave or your audience is educated and pretentious as all fuck, and either possibility is pretty cool in my books.

The Humorous Vocabulary Builder, Take 3

A boat named alacrity.

As I sit in my spartan temporary headquarters at Dalhousie University, I can think of only one word: alacrity. Alacrity is a cheerful willingness to do something, usually manifesting itself with promptness and whatever else is associated with perky productive people.

The problem with this word is that only approximately 1% of the English speaking world will understand what the fuck you are talking about if you use it. Of course, alacrity is a great word for that very same reason. In casual conversation, most people won't be sure if you are insulting them or not, and will be unsure of themselves. If this is the effect you want to have, then great.



Unrelated to the subject at hand, but amusing, no?

As with most rare words, it is a useful way to signal to other pompous asses that you too are an educated fuckwit. This, of course, goes without saying. What doesn't go without saying is that alacrity is perfect for thanking/complimenting a coworker or client by e-mail. The reason for this is that they will see the word and look it up if they have to. My theory is that people like their compliments to be like easter eggs. It is more fun if they have to dig a little bit.

So, the next time somebody replies to an e-mail in an unexpectedly prompt manner, go ahead and tell them that you appreciate their alacrity, they may just appreciate you for it (or despise you). In fact, this is exactly how I learnt what the word meant: somebody thanking me for my alacrity, and me looking it up afterwards. I am grateful.

What pompous jerk is using this word on the web
Running a Google search reveals a number of things about alacrity. First of all, it apparently makes a good name for many companies in the communications and human resources sectors. In other words, people tend to use a Thesaurus to come up with a rare word to serve as their company name. Good for them.


Your alacrity has increased my homosexual attraction to you tenfold.

The first non-company and non-dictionary reference I found was to a poem entitled :"alacrity of the modern-day strawberry". This guy apparently enjoys strawberries because they taste like migrant workers and, really, who could blame him? I am not a poetry expert, but the imagery of a strawbery cheerfully giving itself up to be slaughtered by children brings me great joy and hilarity. This guy is a comedy genius.

Sex Over the Phone: An Analysis

The Village People came to prominence in the disco scene of the '70s on a wave of huge novelty hits and gay pride. And they haven't stopped riding that wave since. Here is analysis of the hit song "Sex Over the Phone":

read more | digg story

As some of you may know, I write stuff along with Adam Brown, Ian Fortey, and Grady Stack over at ScenicAnemia.com. Well, today is a special day as one of Adam's articles is serving as today's guest article at Cracked.com (every Saturday, the cracked staff takes a day off).

It is a goody. Keep your eyes open for someone who is probably a chick.

Star Trek TNG Rap (WARNING - EXPLICIT LYRICS)

The U.S.S. Enterprise (Is Getting P.U.S.S.Y. Tonight). By Those Aren't Muskets (feat. MC’s Prime Directive and Galaxy Class)

read more | digg story

Star Trek the Next Generation is second only to the Simpsons in my most watched show list, both in terms of number of episodes I've seen in the series and in terms of the number of times I've seen the same goddamn episode. I remember not being into it at all until my friend invited me over for a 'Borg marathon'. I was promised pizza, so I went. All fans of TNG know that the Borg episodes are awesome (Encounter at far point, anyone?). Needless to say, I was hooked.

Imagine my surprise when my favorite internet sketch troupe decides to make a filthy rap video that skillfully references the show while ejaculating in its general direction. There's a word for that, and the word is awesome.

Rare Words in My Productive Vocabulary: Munificence

Google image search needs to get its head out of its ass.

So, I've started this thing where, once a week, I see what rare word I can think of off the top of my head; Then I run a google search to see what kind of pompous ass is using it. I also run an image search to provide random flava to the post.

This week my subconscious conjured up the word munificence, which is a fancy way of saying generosity, extravagant generosity.

Example
If somebody gives you a bottle of wine, you might say 'Your munificence astounds me, sir.' Depending on what type of company you keep, your audience will either appreciate your playful use of a rare word or look at you like you're an alien replicon from beyond the moon. Either way, you will have improved your odds of being perceived as wordy.

Caveats (Warnings)
The danger of looking like an idiot with this word is minimal. It can be substituted for generosity safely, just be aware that munificence implies extravagant generosity. For instance, if you use it as a compliment and with the explicit intention of sounding flowery, the chances that somebody will think you are a pompous ass are fairly small. Of course, there is a pompous ass at every party, and if you can't figure out who that person is, then it's you.

My First Encounter
I first learned the word while I was in college. One of my professors called out a fellow student for her inveterate use of 'munificent aphorisms'. After looking up both words (an aphorism is a short pithy statement), I came to the conclusion that this was the coolest put down I had ever heard.

This picture has something to do with extravagant generosity being a virtue. If you were a roman sculptor who is dependent on the munificence of the Emperor, you would call it a virtue as well.

Who's Using It Online?
The first non-dictionary and non-academic use comes from the the blog MaxOutMama. The post is about some bullshit called muni bonds and how they are taxed. I don't know about all that, but the author, presumably a woman, cleverly used alliteration (repeated word-initial sounds: Magic Muni Munificence) and a very pun-licious repetition of 'muni' (Muni Munificence).

I have no idea what the rest of the post is about, but I can appreciate this type of literary creativity anyway. My appreciation is somewhat mitigated by the fact that munificence is one of those rare literary words that business and financial types would be expected to know, as they suckle from the munificent fiduciary discharge of capitalism's teat.

If you are one of those types, it might be worth working 'munificence' into your next round of golf. Greedy bastards are more likely to part with some of their cash if you give them empty compliments. Of course, that would make you a sycophant, more commonly known as a phony. If your colleague reads this and manages to work the word munificent into the conversation before you do, go ahead and call him a sniveling sycophant. That should set right again, or make you both look like the type of wordy hippies that have no right to make business decisions.

Rare Words in my Productive Vocabulary: Inveterate, by Glenn

Apparently, the most relevant image to the word 'inveterate'.

In a desperate search for easy content, I have decided to play a game once a week. That is, once a week, I will probe my powerful mind for the rarest word I can think of at that moment. I will then take that word and enter it in a google search. The first non-dictionary website to turn up will be discussed. Fun will be had.

This week I considered using 'hirsute', because I am harrier than Ben Affleck. But that reminded me that 'hirsute' is the default expression to describe all hirsute celebrities. In other words, it ain't rare. In fact, its association with trash gossip magazines is like a garden-hose enema for my inner lexicographer.

Pictured: Inveterate reader who is too young to be an inveterate anything, let alone something she learned to do last week.

Instead, I elected to search for websites containing the word 'inveterate', as in 'inveterate gambler, womanizer', whatever. It is a word with a negative connotation that roughly maps onto 'persistent' and 'incorrigible', which is very useful if you want to insult somebody with a serious psychological problem, but still want to come off as classy or pedantic or only mildly dickish.

The first non-dictionary hit I got was a blog called 'Inveterate Bystander'. My initial intention was to give an in depth review, but the first post I read was shite pseudo-philosophical drivel.

It is titled Benjamin Libet & Free Won't. On top of being pretty well unreadable at the sentence level, the logical, nay mystical, inferential leaps inserted throughout the post caused my mind's sphincter, my 'brown eye' if you will, to pucker in a way that was at once unpleasant and satisfying, as if my years of education had finally born fruit, and some undigested peanuts.

Like a well trained dog, I have learned to ignore feces. Horray for me.

I don't know why I am surprised by the quality of the post. The name of the blog alone should have given me a clue. The author apparently fancies himself an incorrigible and persistent witness to the human condition. Also, he chose to use the word inveterate in the title. If that doesn't say pretentious douchebag, then I just shat myself. (Hint: I may have sharted, but I did not exceed the 1 teaspoon threshold for it technically to be considered shitting myself. Thus, buddy is a douchebag, and I smell a little like ass).

Painting called "The Steadfast Philosopher".

The 6 Most Gratuitously Cleavaged Women on TV

Nudity and television have an uneasy relationship. Sex sells, but TV can't even show nipples.Television has found a happy medium in breast cleavage--that innocent eye candy for emasculated husbands and prepubescent boys alike.

read more digg story

*****************************

This article is about inappropriate cleavage rather than cleavage per se. The editors removed a sentence I had in there that made this distinction more clear. They also edited the shit out of it in other ways. I liked it better the way it was originally, but that is a writer's conceit.

Of course, I don't want to oversell it. It is still about 70% my writing, for good or bad.

An Interview with "Grape Lady"

Ever wonder what Grape Lady has been up to after her epic fall?

Me too. That is why I wrote this interview. I sort of intended it as a parody of the internet community, like what 'it' would do if it had a chance to interview her.

read more | digg story

The 30 Most Ill-Conceived Movie Monsters (Cracked Photoshop Contest)

"A well-designed monster (say, a burn victim with a glove made of knives) can make a franchise. Behold, the opposite end of the spectrum: the shittiest movie monsters possible."

My photoshop made the top 10. Not too shabby.



read more | digg story

Sticks to Stools: 7 Random Objects Sold as Exercise Machines

See my new Cracked.com article here.

Some stuff was cut from the article. Probably due to the fact that some items didn't fit the premise very well, especially after editorial shifted it a little. Also, the Hawai Chair is somewhat redundant with the Red Exerciser from the main article.

Anyway, here are the out-takes (with pre-editorial format):

5. The Hawai Chair


The Pitch: We challenge anyone to watch the Hawaii Chair ad and not feel shame for clinging to time-tested exercise techniques like “getting off your ass” and “moving around a little”. Forget that nonsense. Just sit down and watch your unsightly shame melt away as the chair oscillates your ample carriage in a whimsically monotonous pattern, for hours on end. It works, if at all, by capitalizing on your body’s innate tendency to brace itself when it gets jerked around violently, thereby supplying all the guilt-placating activity a sedentary gastropod with money to throw down the shitter could hope for.

Research and Development: What kind of thought process would unite Red Exerciser and torque-horse motor? Our guess is that product testing with the fat-fuck demographic revealed some sympathy for the idea of sitting down to workout, but an aversion to wasting precious cake-eating energy reserves on self-powered swivelling. Thus, the motorized version of the chair was born: the Hawaii Chair, which is capable of handling up to 300 pounds of incarnate sloth. If you weigh any more than that, it is recommend that you buy a craft-matic adjustable bed and set it to vibrate mode. If you order now, they will ship you a rag for washing yourself that has been pre-attached to a stick, absolutely free!

Forget about the other items on this list. The pitch-chick assures us that, “None of them are as easy, as simple, or as fun as the Hawaii chair.” Leaving those dubious claims aside for the moment, we found it odd that they left out the whole ‘effectiveness’ thing. The only conclusion we could draw from their insistence that it can be used while reading, surfing the internet, or working at your cushy desk job is that it takes hours of use to get any benefit. Unfortunately, the tense smiles of the actors in the commercial, coupled with our intuition that moving from side to side all day is annoying as hell, tell us that this thing is essentially unusable. If you have any doubts, we will let Ellen settle them.

Clip of Ellen using the chair on her show:


7. Jump Snap


The Pitch: The term ‘virtual reality’ gets tossed around quite bit, but somehow the eggheads never manage to deliver. We are pleased to announce that the future is finally here: the Jump Snap. “A computerized ropeless jump-rope”, the Jump Snap is the next generation of rope jumping, providing all the health benefits of ‘snapping’ sound effects without the tedious gains in dexterity associated with regular jump rope. According to one enthusiastic reviewer, the "Jumpsnap really makes you feel like you are using a real jump rope." What a time to be alive.
http://www.fitnessinfomercialreview.com/reviews/jumpsnap

Research and Development: Beautiful people and boxers jump rope to stay fit. You would too (you are pictured in an ill-fitting black leotard at about 2:53), but you’re an uncoordinated mess with the dexterity of a hung-over zombie (See 15 seconds into the clip) and the numeracy-level of a goldfish. What is to be done? Apparently, the solution is to remove the rope and keep the handles, reducing the term “jump rope” to a more old-school “jump”. Just add a computer to help you count and voila.

With the Jump Snap, we’ve moved past the world of little imagination and strayed into the wrist-slitting world of negative imagination, where kids dream of being less intelligent and athletic versions of themselves. They claim to have a patent pending for this piece of machinery, which is rather pathetic. No matter how many gadgets they build into the handle, you are still just jumping with pieces of plastic in your hand. Even their expert witness (2:32) only endorses the thing indirectly as something that can be done in combination with Pilates. We say that if you want to challenge your cardiovascular capacity on the cheap, grab a couple cans of creamed corn and get hopping, son. For the full effect, get that guy from Police Academy to stand beside you while making jump rope sounds. We hear he can use the work.

10. Healthvest


The pitch :
It is portable, affordable, and so easy to use the advertisers didn’t dare show anyone adjust those pull-chord thingies. For the negative jerks who will object that wrist/ankle weights work just as well and are less goofy looking, the ad has three irrelevant words: posture, posture, posture, which the vest improves through science, we are left to infer. In short, the Healthvest can do it ALL in 15 minutes, directly contradicting the repeatedly cited government guideline of 30 minutes. The message is clear: beat the system and stick it to the man with the Healthvest.

What of the science, you ask? Get this: orchestra conductors live longer than anyone else (5:50 in the video)? The connection between this bit of trivia and the Healthvest couldn’t be more evident if it were wobbling precariously on the edge of that lady’s heaving bosom: conductors have been wearing discreet tuxedo-friendly harnesses since the 18th century to which their wands are attached via invisible rubber tubes.


That or maybe they are trying to tell us that you can get equivalent health benefits from waiving your arms around erratically at passersby in time to a song that only you can hear. If we assume that they are trying to sell us something and not get us arrested, we must accept the former interpretation.

Research and Development : The health “vest” is to a regular vest as a micro bikini is to a regular bikini. In other words, it isn’t a vest at all. It would be more appropriate to call it the Healthparachute, because it looks a lot like parachute webbing, rip-chords and all. Our guess is that Dr. Weinstein in the ad got the idea during a Top-Gun-themed dance party while using the rip-chords on his jump-suit costume as props for his all-purpose speedbag-punching dance move.

Apocalyptic Photoshops, by Glenn

"It's hard to know what the future will bring, whether it be horrors or some kind of previously unimaginable superhorrors, but we know some things you can always count on. Like advertisements."

After a long drought, another one of my photoshops made the runners-up list of Cracked's weekly photoshop context.

Check out the article:


read more | digg story

Here are my shops that didn't make the cut:

Buried Cracked Article: The 10 Most Disturbing PSA's From Around the World

'What better way to get people to pay attention than to make your PSA totally insane?' Prolific Canadian Cracked Contributor, Ian Fortey, hit one out of the park with this article.

Unfortunately, it got buried on Digg, so not many people will read it. My favourite is the French ad. Anal cock-spinning should be an Olympic event.

read more | digg story

The Secret Lives of Canadian Newscasters, by Glenn

I have watched the news for years, and until now I have kept my mouth shut. My silence ends now. What pushed me over the edge is my wife disagreeing with me when I called a respected Canadian news anchor 'Skeletor'. I was shocked. I just assumed that it was common knowledge, something not even worth mentioning, except in passing. I was wrong. You people need to know the truth about the people who read the news.

Sandie Rinaldo, Weekend anchor, CTV National News

Now tell me she doesn't look like Skeletor. Fuck that, she IS skeletor. I'm surprised that she manages to suppress her maniacal cackling for the duration of her weekend newscasts.

Max Keeping, CTV Local News Anchor

Max Keeping looks a LOT like Bilbo Baggins. It doesn't help that he walks around town with two mitts full of ring bling. Try watching that scene where Bilbo looks like a demon for second when he goes after Frodo's ring, and then watching the Ottawa CTV news. You will never feel safe in the Max Keeping wing of the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) again.

10 Most Ironically Enjoyable Canadian Heritage Moments, by Glenn

Yes, it is true. I am Canadian. Growing up, one of the best parts of being Canadian was getting to watch the educational 'Canadian Heritage Moments' that the government would run on the Teevee continually. I have to admit that some of these ads did accomplish the intended goal of inspiring and informing quite nicely. However, as you might expect from relatively low budget Canadian productions, the writing and acting sometimes left something to be desired.

Some of these are great because of how quotable they are. Others are funny because of the acting and/or stereotypes being represented. All of them, in my opinion, are gold.

10. "I'm an American. You can't do this to me. "
For all Americans who wonder how Canadians perceive them, this commercial should give you a fair idea. I can't tell you how many potential friendships with Americans (or anyone with an American relative) I have squandered by repeatedly doing an impression of Mr. Ugly American in this ad. To this day, this is the shtick I pull out when I need an 'American' voice.



9. "I shall reply from the mouth of my cannon."
This series of ads has a tendency of making English-speaking characters look like bumbling idiots whenever they interact with French-Canadians. This is a small concession to ensure the continued unity of our country. I like this ad in particular, because it allows me to respond to questions I don't like with "I shall reply from the mouth of my cannon", followed by a loud fart. It may not be classy, but it is mine. Don't take it away from me.


8. "Through the air, across the ocean. The first time, ever"
If there were a Canadian Heritage Moment Oscar, the guy playing Marconi would definitely get it, assuming of course that Marconi was an unfeeling robot. This one provided yet another easy impression for my early repertoire.


7. "Both of ya know I canah read a woruhd"
I don't know what it is about this old bastard getting shamed into line, but it is great. I owe the poor Irish accent that I do to this ad.


6. Disembodied Spear-penis
I always felt sorry for all the poor people that had to get impaled by spear-penis. The ghost-battle and funeral procession are bizarre to say the least.


5. "Mon mère me la dit, avant de sa mort"
This one is probably funnier if you speak French or hate the Irish. The awkward French is unconvincing as the older child is way too wordy to mistakenly apply the masculine article to her mother.


4. "Kanata hey, Kanata ho, Kanata -insert gibberish that I invent when imitating this-"
I love the fact that my country's name was a clerical error. It just feels right. I love the annoying guy's voice when he has the balls to contradict a Jesuit priest, "I think it means those houses down there." Incidentally, I wonder how the Jesuits, a famously scholarly order, feel about being made to look like pompous buffoons in this ad? Interesting fact, Kanata is a suburb of Ottawa, and is where the Ottawa Senators team plays the hockey.


3. "Dat's what dey say, Dat's what dey say"
Canadians are often nostalgic for the simpler and more idealistic days, when Chinese men were high-tech nitro glycerine delivery systems. This commercial is actually quite sad, but after you've seen it a couple hundred times, it gets funny.


2. "Why poo, son?"
Christopher Robin in the Pooh stories looks like Christian Bale next to the kid in the ad. The spot inspired a spoof by the Canadian Comedy Network where the bear farts repeatedly, providing the obvious source of the kid's inspiration. If you have ever smelled a black bear, you know that it is funny because its true. Well, the spoof was true anyway.

1. "I smell burnt toast."
Up to now, the videos have been in no particular order. This one though clearly deserves status as the number 1 in this list. Regardless of race, religion, or creed, I think that we can all agree that Transylvanian epileptics are possessed by the devil, and therefore deserve to be reviled. For our sake and her husband's, we can be thankful that it was 'burnt toast' and not 'stinky balls' that was setting her off.

Daniel O'Brien's crusade against Hannah Montana, by Glenn

Pictured above: Daniel O'Brien's boner.

Daniel O'Brien, cracked blogger and editor, has been trying to breathe life into the Cracked blog by honing a Colbertesque persona. I, for one, love this development. Check out his awesome article on badass presidents.

Like Colbert, he has elected to use his power to focus on a specific cause, recruiting his O'Brien nation to help him. To date, he has had but one mission: destroy Hannah Montana.

I lent my meager talents to his cause last week. My reward was a mention in this week's blog entry, and a one way ticket to hell. If you are interested, join us in our mission to catalogue the enormity of Hannah's crimes against humanity.

*Update
Another week, another one of my 'Mabisms' makes the blog.

Here are some that didn't make the cut:
I heard that Hannah Montana once donkey punched her abortionist knowing full well that her strap-on was indifferent to any additional stimulation that her actions might provide.

The only pregnancies that Hannah Montana doesn’t prematurely terminate are those arising from her unholy unions with alpha-male dingos. Those multi-headed offspring guard the entrance to hell, not to protect us from demons as you might expect, but rather to protect the demons from Hannah Montana.

Hannah Montana was first discovered when she pulled herself out of Eva Braun’s chamber pot as a pre-term infant. These days she uses her unnatural strength to break the necks of song-birds, cuddly rabbits and small coyotes. She also waits up to an hour post-abortion to ‘bucket-stomp’ any abortionlings of hers that survive, since she values her personal freedom above all else.

Microbiologists have discovered that Hannah Montana is an enormous HIV cell, infecting everything that she touches with her positive attitude and HIV.

*Update 2
Another Mabism of mine made the blog this week. This time the theme was a little different. We were asked to come up with reasons why we would make good boyfriend's or girlfriends for Hannah Montana.I continued my barrage of serial abortion accusations though; I just changed the wording a little.

The New Internet Sensation: Ghanzarya Shandaharo

I thought all you hip cats out there would like to know about the next big thing before it happens. Allow me to introduce you to Ghanzarya Shandaharo.

You've heard of the term 'triple threat'? This guy is at least an octothreat. Also, it appears that he cannot be killed.

If you are like me and you recognize this man's greatness for what it is, then please spread the word. If you want to meet other like-minded people, I suggest joining his personal forum.

If, like me, you find that his personal forum is a wild free-for-all, then I encourage you to join this unofficial fan forum, where you can be assured of finding exactly what you are looking for.

Be warned, however, that meta-referential parodical nature of all this may cause a rift in the space-time continuum.

I leave you with this amazing voice-speech.

Scientology is...nice!, by Glenn

Cracked guy Tim Cameron produced a song called "Scientology is...nice!" The video for the song is a picture montage, based partly on the photoshop contributions of Cracked forum members. I am a member, and one of my contributions, which I like to call cock-shadow, made it onto the video. It was also used to produce the banner under the song title. You can find a bunch of gay scientology photoshops here.

Here is to hoping that Tim and Cracked don't face legal action.

Here is the youtube video:


*Update
Here is a Yakety sax compilation of all the photoshop submissions for the video, most of which did not get picked, for lack of space. I am 'Glenn' in the video.

9 Fatwa We Can Get Behind, for Cracked.com

It is kind of weird that my first post on SBF is about something that I wrote for another website. As I used to say during my time working in a leper colony, tough titties. I wrote an article for Cracked.com called 9 Islamic Fatwa We Can Get Behind.

The premise behind the article is that for all the negative attention Islam receives in the Western media, there are some interesting things going on there. It is Cracked.com, of course, so I tried to make in humorous. In my mind though, the joke is really about what American society would consider cool as opposed to making fun of Muslims.

For your amusement, here is an item that was cut out of the final article, for some reason:

THOU SHOULD KNOWEST Masturbation is not preferred
http://www.islamtoday.net/english/show_detail_section.cfm?q_id=628&main_cat_id=33
The fatwa
Sheikh Salman al-Oadah says, “(…) [M]asturbation is something that is not preferred. In case of a dire need, it becomes lawful, but resorting to it excessively can result in serious problems.” Tell us about it. Most people consider chaffing to be at most a minor irritant, but we have to side with the Sheikh on this one.

Why it should apply to us
Masturbation is more problematic than one might think as working up the courage to talk to girls requires a powerful motivator: horniness. According to the guys back in the lab, lack of horniness is the number one cause of abstinence. We will concede that watching porn and masturbating all day might seem like a good idea or at least a seductive one, but it won’t help you get laid, especially if all you do is stay at home organizing your lubricant bottles by flavor and viscosity.

More generally, it cuts down your productivity, which could be costing you success and money, two things that are strongly correlated with access to mommy parts. Thus, let us prevent legions of innocents from degenerating into pasty-skinned perverts by adopting the fatwa. Masturbation should be a last resort, and not the impromptu vacation resort that will cost you your job if you ever get caught.

Rejected Bumper Stickers, by Glenn

This blog is quickly becoming the place where my poor attempts at humour come to die. Cracked had another photoshop contest. This week, the premise was "Regrettable Bumper Stickers", so bumper stickers that seemed like a good idea at some point, but later turned out to be bad.

Regrettable and self-incriminating:


Irony people...


I'm sorry:

Children's Books Gone Bad, Glenn's Photoshop Entries

The comedy website Cracked.com has started doing a weekly photoshop contest. The people on the Cracked forums are pretty creative, so the contests always yield hilarious entries. The latest contest theme was "inappropriate children's books". I made several submissions, and a couple got selected as runners-up (i.e. no money for me). Those entries belong to Cracked now.

Here are the book covers submitted by me that did not make the cut, for lack of quality or offensiveness reasons (be warned). If you want to see them full-sized, along with the other entries, click here.

8 No-Fuss Computer Pranks at the Office

Do your friends and/or colleagues at work annoy you sometimes? Ever wish that you could annoy them back and maybe amuse yourself at the same time? You are in luck.

In this article, I will give you a few ideas for pranks, and explain how to pull them off. Most of these can be accomplished in under a few minutes, and they work best if the person that you are pranking isn't very handy with computers (obviously).

Enjoy.

*Disclaimer* These steps are for Windows XP. It should work with other Windows versions but it might change the wording slightly. I am too lazy to verify each version.

Prank 1: The Undeletable Embarrassing Folder

Description: You create a folder with an embarrassing name on the desktop and the user is unable to delete the folder. You'll understand once I explain it to you. When you are done, you sit back and watch your co-worker sweat it out.

Step by Step (oo, baby!):

1. Minimize all currently opened applications so that you can only see the user's desktop.

2. Create a new folder and name it something embarassing. Ex: Gay Porn, My Nude Photos, Granny Sex etc Place it somewhere on the desktop where it stands out (i.e. so that it is not surrounded by other folders).

3. Move the cursor to the bottom right of the screen so that it is no longer visible.

4. Press the "Prnt Scrn" button on the keyboard to take a screenshot

5. Click Start - Run - Type "mspaint" and press enter.

6. Press Ctrl+V to paste the screenshot into MS Paint.

7. Save the file anywhere but on the desktop.

8. Click on File - Set As Background (Centered). Close MSPaint

Prank 2: Hidding Desktop Icons

Description: This prank simply hides all desktop icons. It is very easy to do and works best on those that are not computer savvy.

Step by Step (Gonna get to you, gurl!):

1. Right click on the desktop where there isn't an icon.

2. Expand the Arrange Icons By menu

3. Remove the checkmark from Show Desktop Icons. To bring them back you can simply follow the same steps as above but add the checkmark on Show Desktop Icons instead of removing it.

Prank 3: Scrolling text screensaver.

Description: Windows has a screensaver that can scroll text across the screen. You can use this text for embarassing messages while the person is away from their computer for lunch etc. This one is especially good because they will be mortified by the fact they were unable to do anything about it for such a long time.

Step by Step (we can have lots of fun):

1. Right click on the desktop, click on properties.

2. Click the Screensaver tab, click the screensaver dropdown menu and select Marquee.

3. Click on settings. Here you can change the text, background color, speed, font size/color etc.

4. Set the screensaver Wait: time to 10 minutes at least. The reason for this is if you put it to less than 10 minutes the person might just be idled at their computer for 10 minutes and see the screensaver. The point is for others to read it after he or she has left.

Prank 4 & 5: Mouse trouble!

Description: A couple of things you can do to make people think their mouse no longer works, depending on the type of mouse involved.

A) Optical mouse (the one with the red light under it)

Step by Step (There's so much we can do):

1. Place a piece of tape over the red light located under the mouse. The mouse will no longer work until he removes the tape. Sticky/Post-it notes work as well just make sure they are not wider than the mouse.

B) Ball Mouse?!

1. You can remove the ball from the mouse by twisting off the bottom of the mouse. This does not work as well because the prankee may detect the change in weight. Luckily, some people are stupid enough to fall for this. Good luck.

Prank 6: That's not my homepage!!

Description: Set the default Internet Explorer homepage to an embarassing website.

Step by Step (It's just you and me):

1. Open up Internet Explorer (close the 50 thousand pop-ups and spyware windows).

2. Click on Tools - Internet Options.

3. In the Homepage window type in whichever webpage you want to appear when they open IE. So http://www.barbie.com/, goatse, http://www.rotten.com/ etc.

4. Close IE

Prank 7: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?

*note* This may or may not work depending on the phone setups. If you work for a large enough company, you might have digital phonelines that involve communication with a central hub. In this is the case, then the prank will work. I basically found this out accidently when pulling this prank on a friend once. Sorry Mike! I suggest doing this one on people you don't like.

Description: Unplug someone's phone causing it to not work and need to be reconfigured, which can be a lengthy process in large companies. You should really hate the person that you do this to.

Step by Step (Huh):
1. Unplug the person's phone from the phone jack usually located on the floor. It could be a small box or plugged into your beautiful cubicle wall.

2. Apparently, if the phone is unplugged long enough it will fail an echo test that is performedon phones now and then to see if they are still there. If the phone is not connected, it will get removed from the system. To fix the problem, you co-worker would have to call whoever is in charge of phones and have them re-enable it. Depending on the size of the business, this could take a few hours or 8 years!

Prank 8: Mah keyboard is messed up!

Description: Switching around certain keys on the keyboard. This works well on people that look at their keyboard while typing. For everyone else, the trick may never be noticed.

Step by Step:
1. Get a prying type object. A pen will do.

2. I suggest switching the following keys I-O , N-M and perhaps even E-R. In my experience most people do not realize right away that the keys are switched when doing those keys.

3. Put the prying object under a key on the keyboard and pop it out. Don't worry they are meant to be able to be removed for cleaning purposes.

Treatise On the Character of Good Boobies, by Glenn

Some excerpts from my postings on a thread related to boobs on the Cracked forums. Me and these other guys were trying, quite unsuccessfully, to sound like Victorian/WWI era intellectuals while debating the merits of 'good' breasts.

*Update: the thread was deleted by mods at Cracked for some reason. That is unfortunate, because I managed to work in the words 'abstruse' and 'obstruse' into a comeback in response to a moderator that implied we (or I) was stupid. I invited said mod to consider whether we were being 'abstruse' in our conversation (making him/her stupid) or whether we were being 'obstruse' (making us stupid). The joke being that I used a word (obstruse) that is so obscure that it is only found in the unabridged version of the websters dictionary. The meta-joke being on me, in that only I would find such a thing funny; everyone else would consider me a pretentious ass.

I am including a few select posts, and leaving out many others, including some good ones (they are good to me at least).


H.P. Loveboat, Esquire
I personally am all for boobs. They're soft, they're fun to play with, they feed babies. But I want to know what you all think. I expect this to be nothing but sophisticated (with pipes and leather furniture, etc...). Now, your thoughts please.

*puffs on pipe*

...

The sexual appeal of other parts of the body (be them of a woman or a gay surfer holding a control for a Craftmatic adjustable bed) is not what is in question here. The topic is "Boobs: The Quest for Truth," not "Boobs and Other Body Features: A Compare and Contrast."

Pip pip!

Glenn, PhD, ODB
All this presupposes that boobs have an absolute value that is independent of [their] standing in relation to other body parts. Even if we take this to be axiomatic, and I think that we must, is it not true that a pair of boobs is best, at least subjectively, when lubricated and pressed around your cock and subsequently festooned with your seminal discharge? Thus, the intrinsic value of boobs has been shown to be relative. Also, women's beach volleyball.

H.P. Loveboat, esquire
Glenn, I think it most scientific so assume that we are dealing with a hotness ratio of a woman's boobs to the rest of her body. This way her other features don't matter, but rather the relative hotness her boobs ad as compared to the rest of her. This way, if we have a smoking hot girl (the type with long silky hair, and a round smooth ass, and a kind of raspy sexy voice) but her boobs are small and it makes you feel that (though she is perfectly hot) she could be hotter with boobs, you would then be in the pro-boob camp. This same criteria would apply for a hideous girl (with a turtle shaped body, flabby arms, and a bowl cut) who has no boobs. If you find that you would be slightly less repulsed if she had larger boobs, then you would still fall with in the pro-boob camp.

The question was never about if a girl could be hot without boobs. The question is whether or not boobs contribute to the overall hotness of an individual.

*shifts in his leather chair causing it to squeak obnoxiously*

Glenn, PhD, ODB
Ah, but dear Loveboat, *puff, puff*, we should be careful not to equate size with beauty, nor plastic with au naturel. Verily, more than a mouthful may be a waste, if that mouthful is properly proportioned, of sound shape, and of acceptable skin-to-nipple ratio. And plastic, ah, plastic be the root of many unsightly stretch marks. Surely, we the boob boosters can all agree that large natural breasts are god's greatest gift to mankind. To walk a mile on those in your bare feet is like a hike through god's own garden.

H.P. Loveboat, Esquire
This is true! Where then can we draw the line? At what point can we look at a girl and think, "I could never fuck her, her boobs are too big"? If their big and overly soft than we risk being swallowed up in them, and if their big and perking we risk being bounced into the upper atmosphere as a reaction to one of our enthusiastic pelvic thrusts. I agree wholeheartedly that a girl with boobs that are not large, but are well shaped is more attractive than a girl will breasts that are large but curve in unnatural ways. But even this is to admit some superiority to having "good" boobs. The question becomes, what determines "good" in regards to these much celebrated swollen glands. Should it be left up to the individual, or can an objective standard be found?

*takes a long drag on his pipe*

*sustains severe mouth burns*

Glenn, PhD, ODB
Yes. *puff, puff* Quite. *puff, longer puff, still longer puff, coughing fit*

This brings us to the age old question that has confounded utilitarians for centuries, doesn't it? What constitutes 'good' or the greatest good, especially for society? Are boobs better when they are attached to a woman who willingly shows them off (i.e. by wearing a low cut top; being a stripper; doing nude scenes in legitimate movies; receiving baby batter in amateur porn)? Or are they most good when they are seen only by a lucky few, who then procreate, hopefully multiplying the beautiful boobs genes? Would walking around topless all the time somehow degrade the sacred feminine? Somehow diminish the power of the sacred erection? Would a multitude of beautiful boobs drag down productivity, and encourage invasion by peoples without such good boob fortune? I have raised a number of questions for which I have no answers.

As to the question of evaluating the boobs themselves, I would appeal to no higher authority than that of democracy, the principle that representative government has appropriated and deformed, like so many plastic surgeons: Ratemyrack.com

Glenn, PhD, ODB, Poet Laureate:
"Feature" Sparkler Chick (musings from perv's row)

Ouch.
Doesn't that hurt?
I mean the sparklers-
Inserted in your nipple,
For my amusement.

From perv's row,
I see them glow, and wonder--
Shouldn't breast-powered lightning be followed by thunder?
Or at least the clap of your massive sweater cows.
What gives?

H.P. Loveboat, Esquire
The questions of utilitarian boobery are useless if we cannot even agree on what a good boob is. And that raises even further questions. Can you have a good boob (singular) or are boobs codependent? I personally would be turned off by a girl with just one perky d-cup. In fact, I would be turned off by a girl with a c-cup on one side and a b-cup on the other. such a discrepancy in boob size would be unattractive.

I find this all very terrifying, for if I can not measure boobs qualitatively, I fear I cannot prove that I actually like them. Are men that arbitrary that they can find pleasure in two sacks of flesh for no other reason than the fact that we don't have them? What a horrible thought.


Glenn, PhD, ODB, Poet Laureate
The unbalanced boob problem has plagued by mind for decades. Symmetry, indeed, has its place in this debate. However, what is to be done with the three-boobed woman in Total Recall? The exceptional proves the rule, I once overheard some transient prostitute say in passing, and so it should be here.

As to the question of quality, let us define good boobatude in the most quantitative way possible: by the volume of blood it redirects to the penis of the viewer. Let's start testing now, shall we. Ladies, let's see them.

Gentlemen, to science!

H.P. Loveboat
I just realized that this topic is so damn appropriate to be occurring on Fat Tuesday. I didn't actually intend that.

So, come on ladies. Let's just pretend we just gave you a whole bunch of beads and start showing us those ta-tas...uh...for science, like Glenn said.

H.P. Loveboat, Esquire
Ah yes, Colsen has a point ole chaps. A beautiful tit can be found to set one's teeth on edge upon entry into the mouth. A bitter boob is hardly a boob at all, in my book.

The right honourable Gizzardgulpe
Continueing along the tangent involving asymmetry in the boobular fronts: I actually have never seen such asymmetry in size, though I have concerning nipple placement (ie: Tila Nguyen). Is it safe for one to assume that asymmetry in nipple placement that causes arousal is perhaps significant if the situation arose that asymmetrical breastical size were involved? Would I be an exception if I enjoyed asymmetry? Or can asymmetry be part of the collective and seemingly subjective preference concerning delightful ta-tas?

Glenn, PhD, ODB, Poet Laureate
Insofar as the asymmetry does not interfere with the higher purposes to which boobs may be put-- I speak here of book-ending cocks and faces, among other earthly delights-- it should not be held against a well-formed pair, though the pair, in sooth, should be held against as many things as possible.

As for taste, salty should be preferred, in my considered opinion, for it is natural and could replace vital electrolytes that are inevitably lost during coitus. That said, various methods of garnishing boobatas, including whipped cream and 'crystal' are all acceptable, to me at least.

H.P. Loveboat, Esquire
"Salty is the sign that your woman is sweating, which means she is engaged in your activities." --T. S. Eliot

But what of the constitution of the nipples themselves? I speak not of the firmness of the boob as a whole, but of the perkiness of their pink circular summits. We have all, I'm sure, experienced a girl suffering from Droopy Egg Syndrome, in which the nipple skin is well formed but is not reinforced by whatever wonderful substance lay inside the boob. The result of DES is a hollow, sagging nipple crowning an otherwise perfect tit.

Glenn, partly in response to a sarcastic remark
Actually, if you are going to tell your special lady that you love her tits and be convincing about it, it is important, nay vital, that you be armed with the powerful analytical tools that we are developing right here in this very thread.

Back to business. Nipples, as you all know, are vitally important. They should constitute well under 50% of the total surface of the boobs. We have all seen the dreaded nipple-boobs. In a pinch, they will do, but pepperoni tits are disqualified from any conversation about the 'best' boobs. Droopage is an unfortunate consequence of the passage of time, to be lamented.

Let me emphasize that we speak of what makes great boobs great, lest our analysis be perceived as harsh by some. ALL boobs are beautiful, and I, for one, would be happy to offer an appraisal, free of charge, regardless of size, shape, droopage, or rank odor.

Glenn, in response to the claim that beauty is in the eye of the boob holder:
Not on your life man! I, for one, have been working on a formal description that I find quite capital!

At first, I considered a number of possible mathematical descriptions of the perfect breast. Among others, I tried a convolution of the Gaussian and exponential probability distributions. As you can see, the results were less than perfect:

Of course, when you are holding a hammer everything looks like a nail, so I was blinded to an obvious truth: a simple parabola would do the trick nicely:


For those of you who will not be checking out the original thread, here is a representative sample of the posts that I left out:

Ryan, Poet Laureate and PWOT moderator
Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs,
Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs--boobs boobs!
Mmmpf mmpf mmmmmmmpf mmpf mpf.

Kimmel vs Damon

As somebody that doesn't watch late night TV anymore, I was surprised and amused to find out about the feud that has been going on between Matt Damon and Jimmy Kimmel. This just improves my opinion of Damon, which was already pretty high to begin with. I have taken the trouble of documenting this developing story. Enjoy.

Guillermo, from Kimmel's show, blows off Matt Damon:


Guillermo, from Kimmel's show, replaces Matt Damon in the Bourne Identity:


Kimmel has no time for Matt Damon:


Finally, if you need another reason to avoid dating Sarah Silverman, here it is:

I love the happiness on Silverman's face right at the beginning. Also, I had no idea that a white boy like Damon could dance like that. Sweet.

Razor's Retro Reviews: Hysteria - Def Leppard

I picked up the Def Leppard album Hysteria over the weekend at a used record store for $3.99. I didn’t even know they made this album on vinyl. I would have assumed that vinyl liquified on contact with music this epic.

At any rate, I gave it a listen and I thought that it would be a fun album to review. Hysteria was the follow-up to Def Leppard’s breakout album ‘Pyromania’.

This album took four years to make and it was during this hiatus that drummer Rick Allen lost his left arm in a car accident. He stayed with the band and had a custom drum set made that would allow him to do some of the drumming that he used to do with his left arm, but with his legs. They also attached an electronic drum kit to the whole thing.

In an attempt to be taken seriously, I’ll throw a few facts your way:

- Def Leppard is one of only six rock bands with two original albums selling over 10 million copies each in the U.S. The others are The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Eagles and Van Halen.

- Hysteria has sold 18 million albums worldwide

- It was produced by Mutt ‘I’m banging Shania Twain’ Lange

- It was ranked #472 on Rolling Stones 500 Best Albums of all-time

- Hysteria reached #1 on the US Billboard charts

- Hysteria charted 7 singles on the US Billboard charts, with ‘Love Bites’ being its only #1 single

I’m not trying to transform anyone into a Def Leppard fan, I’m just trying to convince you that they’re not as bad as we all seem to think, and that at one time, they were on top of the world. I know that my hometown radio station has pretty much ruined Def Leppard for everyone I grew up with by playing their music on a steady loop, but I thought that I’d give them another try.

Here’s the review:

#1 “Women”

This was the first song released as a single in the US and it reached #80 on the charts. It’s an OK song, but probably not worthy to open an album like this. I don’t think that I’ve heard this song played on the radio or, in fact, ever. I actually already forget how it sounds.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

He was born with a passion, love and hate

A restless spirit with a need for a mate

But there was somethin' that was missin', somethin' lost

So he came with the answer, here's what it cost

One part love, one part wild

One part lady, one part child

I give you Women! women! -

Lots of pretty women

Men! men! - They can't live without them

Women! women! - Lots of pretty women

Men! men! - They can't live without them

#2 “Rocket”

Now we’re talking! I always rock out to this song, I don’t care what anyone says. And you can’t just say ‘Rocket’, you have to yell it in the ear of the person closest to you…Rock-it! Pelvic thrusting is strictly optional. This song reached #12 on the US charts, but it will always be first in my heart.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

I can take you thru the center of the dark

We're gonna fly

On a collision course to crash into my heart

I will be your, I will be your, I'll be your

Rocket yeah satellite of love

Rocket yeah satellite of love

Rocket yeah satellite of love Rocket baby!

C'mon, I'll be your satellite of love

Here’s the video:




The video might lead you to believe that there are some political undertones to this song, but that's patently false. Does anyone else think that Joe Elliot looks like that disturbingly manly aunt who never quite managed to convince you as a child that she was a woman?

#3 “Animal”

Ah yes, another classic hit! But I would consider it the poor man’s “Rocket”….Rock-it! This song reached #19 on the US charts. The lyrics are somewhat telegraphic due to a serious lack of transitional expressions:

And I want and I need

And I lust animal

What the hell does that mean?! Is he lusting for animals? Or lusting like an animal? Is it purposely left open to interpretation? Only the animals and their ruptured colons know for sure.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Cry wolf, given mouth to mouth

Like a movin' heartbeat in the witching hour

I'm runnin' with the wind, a shadow in the dust

And like the drivin' rain, yeah, like the restless rust

I never sleep

#4 “Love Bites”

The epitome of rock ballads! I’ve spend more time finding solace in this song, as a teenager, than any self-respecting person should be willing to admit. If we had emos in the 80’s, they’d all be clamoring for this song. Take note Simple Plan, take a lot of notes…

This song also introduced me to the hi-tech digital speaking voice-over that has become so popular in songs…ok, it was never popular…but it still kicks ass. ‘Love Bites’ reached #1 on the US charts. What song did ‘Love Bites’ need to overtake to reach #1? Don’t Worry Be Happy. Take that Bobby McFerrin!!

This songs raises many profound questions for all couples to consider:

When you make love, do you look in the mirror?

Who do you think of, does he look like me?

Do you tell lies and say that it's forever?

Do you think twice, or just touch 'n' see?

These questions were all going to be asked during that Dr.Phil/Britney Spears interview that got cancelled. It’s probably best that we never got the answers.

That Spears bitch is hot, but crazy. You know?

Here’s the video:




I have to admit, I have no fucking clue as to what’s going on in this video. 80% of the damn thing is nothing more than shots of the band doing jack shit.

#5 “Pour Some Sugar On Me”

Over the course of history, many things have been done in the name of love. Poetry has been written, wars have been fought, and now, thanks to Def Leppard, sugar has been poured.

Of all the songs to make it big, this has got to be the dumbest, but Def Leppard pulls it off. I don’t know how, but I love this song. It gets me going.

This song reached #2 on the Billboard charts. Man, the song that kept it from reaching #1 must have been a doozy. Let’s look that up…humm, it’s…you’re kidding me: Hold on to the Nights by Richard Marx?! Def Leppard got beat by Richard Marx?! 1988 wasn't just a different time, it was a different fucking planet.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on

Livin' like a lover with a radar phone

What the hell is a radar phone?!…

You got the peaches, I got the cream

Sweet to taste, saccharine

SACCHARINE! Never before and never again will this word be used in lyrics, NEVER…cherish the moment people…

Here’s the video:

There’s a general rule about concerts where you’re considered an idiot if you wear a band shirt of the actual band that you’re there to watch…well, what happens if the lead singer is wearing his own band shirt? Does that make it ok for the rest of us? I can’t believe these guys used to be cool, it baffles the mind and destroys the spirit.

About halfway through watching this one, I couldn’t help but feel that I’ve seen the exact same video but performed by another band, and then it hit me:

I guess some good came out of the Def Leppard era…

#6 “Armageddon It”

I actually had to see this title in writing before I knew what this song was actually called. The first thing that I noticed about this song is that it’s way too long for what it is; it should be two minutes shorter as the end just rambles on. The second thing I realized was that this expression was never going to catch on, which you know Def Leppard was hoping it would. It’s just too wordy:

Razor: Hey boss, what do you want me to do with this stack of environmental reports?

Boss (trying to be hip): Armagunit…armag…armageddit..

Razor: Armageddon it?

Boss: Just shred them…

All that aside, it’s a rocking song and easy to get into. This one reached #3 on the charts.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

You try comin' on when you need some...

But then you don't 'cos you already did

Yeah, you jangle your jewels while your shakin' ya...

And drive the pretty boys outta their heads

What the fuck is going on with these lyrics? At first, when I read ‘Jangle your jewels’, I think testicles…but in the next line they’re talking about driving the pretty boys outta their heads, are they in a gay bar? Is Def Leppard gay? Why am I agonizing of questions that are obviously true? I think that I’ll just move on.

Here the video…and before you accuse me of finding a version of the ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ video with the song dubbed over it, pay attention to the very beginning where it clears states ‘Armageddon It’:

It’s the same damn video! From the same concert! I even recognized members from the audience that were in the ‘Sugar’ video! The girl that appears at 2:01 of this video appears at 1:18 of the video for ‘Sugar’. What the hell?! Was it a budgeting decision? Did they really not have enough money to finance a whole new video for this song?! I would have been insulted had I been a fan back in the day…

Side B

#7 “Gods of War”

Here’s the thing about this song, in terms of popularity, no one’s probably heard it before, but it really isn’t any different from any of the other songs that were released from this album like ‘Animal’ or ‘Armageddon It’. So what happened? Did Def Leppard develop a conscience at some point and say, ‘Hey, we’ve sold enough records and made enough money, let’s stop releasing singles off this album, we don’t want to saturate our fans.' It’s too bad, because this is probably the one song that isn’t complete gibberish. It’s an anti-war song, ‘Stop fightin' for the gods of war/Yeah what the hell we fightin' for?’

Of course, Def Leppard are British, so I’m not sure if they’re protesting a specific war or war in general or the war on dental hygiene, because there weren’t too many wars going on in 1988. Either way, this song seems to have a point, which is more than I can say about most songs on this album.

#8 “Don’t Shoot Shotgun”

The only thing different about this song is the guitar solo about ¾ into it…I couldn’t tell you who the guitar player is off the top of my head. This song probably has the funniest beginning on the album:

Run for cover (Run for cover)

Don't shoot! - Shoot!

She's so dangerous

(Shotgun!)

(Gun!)

(Don't shoot shotgun!)

I honestly can’t remember anything else about this song past the intro, so it can’t be that good.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right

Fallin' head over heals at the speed of light

Hey little miss heaven on earth

Whoa, won't you walk this way but I see a red alert

Oh, my senses say keep away

So don't shoot!

#9 “Run Riot”

Garbage…Next song

#10 “Hysteria”

Oh can you feel it? Do you believe it? It’s such a magical mysteria. What’s that? Mysteria isn’t a word? According to Def Leppard it is, so who are you to challenge them? Fuck you

This is the best song on side B, and the only one to reach the charts (peaked at #10). I like this song, even though it’s so repetitive…It’s trying to do the same with ‘Hys-ter-ia-a-a-a’ that it did with ‘Rock-it!’, but it doesn’t quite work that way. You can’t scare the shit out of anyone by sneaking up on them and yelling ‘Hys-ter-i-a-a-a'

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Hysteria when you're near

Out of me, into you yeah

You could hide it's just a one way street

Oh, I believe I'm in you, yeah

Open wide, that's right, dream me off my feet

Oh, believe in me

Here’s the video:




Man, I really don’t get Leppard videos. The ballroom dancing in particular bothers me, because it makes me feel tingly down there. If you know what I mean. We’re almost done…

#11 “Excitable”

I’m starting to get tired of listening to this album. More garbage music where they pretty much shout random slogans to get you ‘excited’, get it? Excitable…excited…forget it…

#12 “Love and Affection”

The last song of the album! Woohoo! Side A was great, but side B has been a painful ride…This song is all about sex and sexual innuendos and more sex. In terms of music, I’ve already blocked it from my memory, so it can’t be that good.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

You got the fire, baby, I got the heat, can you handle it?

I got the time, baby, you got the need, oh surrender it

Oh, it's a passion crime with a danger sign, oh, can you handle it?

You're just another girl, I'm just another man, it's just another night

And there you have it, ‘Hysteria’ by Def Leppard, one of the greatest albums produced in the 1980s, summarized and analyzed for your reading pleasure. Hey, it could be worse, I could have sat you down and made you listen to it, or made you watch their videos. Wait. I did do that last one.