I hate grocery shopping.
Here are few basic rules that everyone should follow when grocery shopping:
1) Have a game plan - Make a list, discuss whatever it is you need to discuss before entering the store, and stick to the plan once you get started. Don't park yourself across an aisle so you can fight with your wife about what kind of fabric softener gives you a rash and which one doesn't. This is the kind of shit you talk about at home.
2) Be aware of the people around you - If I've been standing beside you for the last two minutes, it's not because I'm anxiously awaiting your next move, it's because you're in my way...get out of my fucking way.
3) Shopping carts are like cars - There will be traffic in both directions of an aisle, in order to prevent chaos, don't walk down the fucking middle, don't swerve from one side to the other, just pretend that you're driving your car. Better yet, pretend like you have half a brain.
4) Leave all unnecessary family members at home - This might sound cold, or even impossible if you're a single parent, but if you have a family member that doesn't need to be there, doesn't fit in the shopping cart, that's too weak to carry anything or doesn't get to participate in any of the decision making (which should have been done before entering the store anyway), then leave them behind, they're useless to the operation.
Otherwise, they'll just end up getting in someone else's way or you'll end up abandoning your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go off chasing after them. Leaving them at home will also avoid those mortifying public displays of assholery.
5) Give me room at the cash register - Standing as close to me as humanly possible while waiting in line isn't going to make the line go faster, so give me some fucking room. If you bump my leg one more time, I swear to god.
Also, giving me or the cashier dirty looks will also not make things go faster, so just chill, entertain yourself with the crazy tabloid headlines. I hear Britney Spears gave birth to an alien baby, possibly Charles Manson's.
6) Once at the cash register, stay at the cash register - If your husband doesn't have the power to make executive decisions at the cash register while you're browsing at the make-up counter, then don't go to the fucking make-up counter, because something will go wrong and your tool of a husband whom you've castrated long ago will have to go running after you, leaving the rest of us in line, those of us with our balls dangling safely between our legs on not strewn carelessly inside a mason jar under the sink, fuming. *Editor note: Razor's balls are too big to fit an a mason jar, otherwise that's where they would be.
7) Leave the cashiers alone - That's an obvious one. Whatever your problem is, unless it is related to some cashier related issue (e.g. incorrect change), it's not the cashier's fault. You have two options: either be a jackass and yell at them as if they deserve it (not recommended) or calmly explain to them what your problem is and chances are that they'll be glad to help.
8) The girl guides at the exit selling cookies are lying bitches - On my way out this cutie comes up to me and says, "Do you want to buy some cookies mister? They're just a dollar."
How can I refuse that? So I go over to the adults that are actually selling the cookie to buy two boxes, I give her a ten and I get a $2 back. "How much are the cookies?" "$4" I think to myself, "You little..." I should have kicked her ass just like Peter Griffin kicked the ass of that chicken who gave him a bad coupon, but I let it go, that little punk is going to get hers in hell...
9) Paying with exact change - I have no problem with it. We all want to get rid of our crappy pennies. What I do have a problem with is if you take over a minute trying to find that extra penny you have stashed away in one of your pockets. Go crazy and 'break' one of your precious nickels and get the fuck out. If nothing else, it will get you back to your hobby, returning old bottles for cash, a lot quicker. That's not your hobby you say? Then why do you care about that fucking penny so much!?