Razor Rant: 9 Bus Rules for Non-assholes.

Just like millions of people every day, I walk out my front door in the morning only to face the harsh reality that I am taking the bus to work. The Guess Who wrote a song about it, a fucking stupid song to be sure, but they nail situation right on the money.

Sure, I can say that my reasons for taking the bus are environmental and that I’m trying to save the planet and all that bullshit. To be honest, I’d take my car everyday, but I just can’t afford the parking and the stress of having to drive would kill me.

I didn’t always hate taking the bus, and in fact, I used to see it as a good stress-free way to get from point A to point B. I just didn’t factor in the other morons that need to take the bus too. It’s those morons that have ruined it for me, and probably a lot of other people too. I don’t even have to tell you who I’m talking about, if you have ever taken the bus then you know who I mean: people who have no concept of where they are and don’t care how their behaviour affects those around them. This is a lot like the grocery store people.

Here are a few basic rules that, if followed, would make public transportation bearable again:

1) One Person = One Seat – Public transportation isn’t necessarily meant to be comfortable. You paid what, $2-$3 for your ride? You can’t expect much for that price, so accept the fact that you need to share with others and don’t sprawl yourself out over two-three seats. Other people would like to sit too. Who the fuck do you think you are?! Just the other day, I saw 4 guys at the back of the bus occupy 11 seats! They were sprawled out in the same way you would in your own living room. Handy tip: the bus is not your house. While we’re on the subject of taking up sitting space…

2) Don’t Put Your Bag on the Seat – I don’t care how difficult a day your bag had, it wasn’t any harder than mine, and therefore I shouldn’t have to stand for 30 minutes while your books get a comfortable ride. You want to bring shit on the bus, put it on the ground in front of you or in your lap. I’m tired, I want to sit, which brings me to this…

3) If there’s a Seat Available, Sit your Ass Down – It drives me nuts when there are plenty of seats available but people insist on standing up and clogging up the aisle. Why won’t you sit down?! What are you afraid of? Was there ever a tuck-and-roll period of public transportation that I missed?

Rest assured, when you get to your stop, you’ll have plenty of time to get up from your seat and get off the bus. Just sit your ass down, it makes me nervous. Of course, the bus can sometimes be pretty full, which means that you have to stay standing, in which case…

4) Don’t Block the Doors – This is my #1 pet peeve on the bus, it drives me absolutely fucking nuts when people block the damn doors and put absolutely no effort in getting out of the way. I understand that someone has to stand in front of the door when the bus is at capacity, but if you’re that someone, be aware of the people around you and do everything you can to get out of the way. The best thing to do is to step off the bus for five seconds while you let people out and step back on. The bus driver is not going to take off while the door is open, so just step off, then step on….step off, step on…it’s that easy. While we’re on the subject of standing on the bus…

5) Hold on To Something – It’s simple physics…when the bus sets forth in motion, it sets you in motion…when the bus stops, you’re still in motion and if you’re not holding on to anything, you’re going to go flying. This might seem funny at first, but if you’re in the path of the 50 year old Italian woman who doesn’t have the presence of mind to brace herself, it’s going to get awkward. You see, she doesn’t want to fall, who can blame her, so she’ll grasp at everything and anything in order to stop her fall, and that anything could just be you. You should especially hold on to something if you have a backpack, which brings me to the following…

6) Take Off Your Backpack – There are three main reasons for this one, the first being the point above, the second being that you’re taking up unnecessary space and the third being that you’re going to nail someone in the head. If I have a backpack and I’m forced to stand up, I take it off and put it on the ground between my legs, it doesn’t get in anyone’s way and I don’t feel like a dickhead. Most importantly, if you keep your backpack on, chances are pretty good that you’re going to hit one of the people lucky enough to get a seat in the head…and that’s not cool. You may hate them because they’re sitting, but it’s not their fault, they're just following rule #3, so have enough presence of mind to ensure that you don’t nail anyone in the head. If you do hit someone, apologize, but make sure to follow the last rule…

7) Don’t Talk above the Noise – I’ll be straight with you: if I’m sitting across from you, I don’t care who you are or what you look like, I don’t give a shit about what you’re saying to your friend of to the other idiot on the other side of that conversation. I’m not asking you not to talk on the bus; I’m just asking that you monitor the volume because I don’t want to hear whatever fool thing you have to say. Chances are pretty good that you’re an idiot and what you say will anger me. Example, there was this one guy talking with his buddy and bragging about going to high school with…I don’t even remember the guy’s name…he was a quarterback for the Giants and he was on that ‘Bachelor’ show…his last name was Palmer…it doesn’t fucking matter, it was just one in a series of conversations I want erased from my memory.

8) Have your fare ready -- Except under exceptional circumstance (i.e. you had to run to catch the bus), you should never count out your bus fare on the bus. Sure, you may not know EXACTLY how much bus fare is....but you have a fucking idea. Have your goddamn change ready before the bus arrives. Better yet, buy bus tickets or a bus pass. You are not important enough to hold up a bus full of people that are anxious to get home. Sorry I had to burst your bubble there.

9) Move to the back of the bus-- People get on at the front of the bus. If you are clogging up the front, then life become difficult for everyone. Don't be douche.

If everyone follows these simple rules, trust me, people may actually start to enjoy taking the bus…this could be revolutionary…but it won’t.