Tiger baby, man-up for christsakes.
10. Tired of being called out by his hot wife for playing a pussy sport, Tiger Woods quits the PGA and moves to Austria with the goal of dominating Aussie Rules Football, only to find he has made a terrible mistake when people stop goose-stepping, cower in their lederhosen, and start referring to him as die Schwartzfußballer.
9. Matt Damon voted People magazine's sexiest man alive two years in a row. However, the title is then revoked when it is discovered that lesbians, mistaking the star for Ellen Degeneres, stuffed the ballot box like the front row at an Ani Difranco concert.
Let's try the hail Mary again.
7. After defeating Barack Obama in the primaries, Hillary Clinton shocks the world by become the first female president of the United States. It is later revealed that the ballots contained errors and that the word 'Hillary' was replaced by the word 'Bill' and that 'Clinton' was replaced with 'Murray'.
5. Jesus comes back to save humanity, but not before appearing on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, where they advise him to lose the beard, start moisturizing, and stop looking like such a crazy motherfucker.
Money changers? In my Dad's temple? The shit be on.
4. In a desperate attempt to find new sources of renewable energy, scientists build a contraption for converting hot air into electricity. The harnassing of Rush Limbaugh is immediate and savage.
Somtimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sometimes it is the result of a cock fetish. (pictured above: cock fetishist)
3. 'Duct Tape' voted best sex tape for 30th consecutive year by United Rapists of America.
2. Tom Cruise goes on Oprah to denounce the Led Zeppelin album 'Mothership' and supporting reunion tour as the work of Zenu, the evil intergallactic overlord. Young scientologists revel in this new "devil's music".
1. Family guy proves uncannily prescient in anticipating Brtiney's loss of her right foot to diabetes.