9 Fatwa We Can Get Behind, for Cracked.com

It is kind of weird that my first post on SBF is about something that I wrote for another website. As I used to say during my time working in a leper colony, tough titties. I wrote an article for Cracked.com called 9 Islamic Fatwa We Can Get Behind.

The premise behind the article is that for all the negative attention Islam receives in the Western media, there are some interesting things going on there. It is Cracked.com, of course, so I tried to make in humorous. In my mind though, the joke is really about what American society would consider cool as opposed to making fun of Muslims.

For your amusement, here is an item that was cut out of the final article, for some reason:

THOU SHOULD KNOWEST Masturbation is not preferred
http://www.islamtoday.net/english/show_detail_section.cfm?q_id=628&main_cat_id=33
The fatwa
Sheikh Salman al-Oadah says, “(…) [M]asturbation is something that is not preferred. In case of a dire need, it becomes lawful, but resorting to it excessively can result in serious problems.” Tell us about it. Most people consider chaffing to be at most a minor irritant, but we have to side with the Sheikh on this one.

Why it should apply to us
Masturbation is more problematic than one might think as working up the courage to talk to girls requires a powerful motivator: horniness. According to the guys back in the lab, lack of horniness is the number one cause of abstinence. We will concede that watching porn and masturbating all day might seem like a good idea or at least a seductive one, but it won’t help you get laid, especially if all you do is stay at home organizing your lubricant bottles by flavor and viscosity.

More generally, it cuts down your productivity, which could be costing you success and money, two things that are strongly correlated with access to mommy parts. Thus, let us prevent legions of innocents from degenerating into pasty-skinned perverts by adopting the fatwa. Masturbation should be a last resort, and not the impromptu vacation resort that will cost you your job if you ever get caught.