9 Fatwa We Can Get Behind, for Cracked.com

It is kind of weird that my first post on SBF is about something that I wrote for another website. As I used to say during my time working in a leper colony, tough titties. I wrote an article for Cracked.com called 9 Islamic Fatwa We Can Get Behind.

The premise behind the article is that for all the negative attention Islam receives in the Western media, there are some interesting things going on there. It is Cracked.com, of course, so I tried to make in humorous. In my mind though, the joke is really about what American society would consider cool as opposed to making fun of Muslims.

For your amusement, here is an item that was cut out of the final article, for some reason:

THOU SHOULD KNOWEST Masturbation is not preferred
http://www.islamtoday.net/english/show_detail_section.cfm?q_id=628&main_cat_id=33
The fatwa
Sheikh Salman al-Oadah says, “(…) [M]asturbation is something that is not preferred. In case of a dire need, it becomes lawful, but resorting to it excessively can result in serious problems.” Tell us about it. Most people consider chaffing to be at most a minor irritant, but we have to side with the Sheikh on this one.

Why it should apply to us
Masturbation is more problematic than one might think as working up the courage to talk to girls requires a powerful motivator: horniness. According to the guys back in the lab, lack of horniness is the number one cause of abstinence. We will concede that watching porn and masturbating all day might seem like a good idea or at least a seductive one, but it won’t help you get laid, especially if all you do is stay at home organizing your lubricant bottles by flavor and viscosity.

More generally, it cuts down your productivity, which could be costing you success and money, two things that are strongly correlated with access to mommy parts. Thus, let us prevent legions of innocents from degenerating into pasty-skinned perverts by adopting the fatwa. Masturbation should be a last resort, and not the impromptu vacation resort that will cost you your job if you ever get caught.

8 No-Fuss Computer Pranks at the Office

Do your friends and/or colleagues at work annoy you sometimes? Ever wish that you could annoy them back and maybe amuse yourself at the same time? You are in luck.

In this article, I will give you a few ideas for pranks, and explain how to pull them off. Most of these can be accomplished in under a few minutes, and they work best if the person that you are pranking isn't very handy with computers (obviously).

Enjoy.

*Disclaimer* These steps are for Windows XP. It should work with other Windows versions but it might change the wording slightly. I am too lazy to verify each version.

Prank 1: The Undeletable Embarrassing Folder

Description: You create a folder with an embarrassing name on the desktop and the user is unable to delete the folder. You'll understand once I explain it to you. When you are done, you sit back and watch your co-worker sweat it out.

Step by Step (oo, baby!):

1. Minimize all currently opened applications so that you can only see the user's desktop.

2. Create a new folder and name it something embarassing. Ex: Gay Porn, My Nude Photos, Granny Sex etc Place it somewhere on the desktop where it stands out (i.e. so that it is not surrounded by other folders).

3. Move the cursor to the bottom right of the screen so that it is no longer visible.

4. Press the "Prnt Scrn" button on the keyboard to take a screenshot

5. Click Start - Run - Type "mspaint" and press enter.

6. Press Ctrl+V to paste the screenshot into MS Paint.

7. Save the file anywhere but on the desktop.

8. Click on File - Set As Background (Centered). Close MSPaint

Prank 2: Hidding Desktop Icons

Description: This prank simply hides all desktop icons. It is very easy to do and works best on those that are not computer savvy.

Step by Step (Gonna get to you, gurl!):

1. Right click on the desktop where there isn't an icon.

2. Expand the Arrange Icons By menu

3. Remove the checkmark from Show Desktop Icons. To bring them back you can simply follow the same steps as above but add the checkmark on Show Desktop Icons instead of removing it.

Prank 3: Scrolling text screensaver.

Description: Windows has a screensaver that can scroll text across the screen. You can use this text for embarassing messages while the person is away from their computer for lunch etc. This one is especially good because they will be mortified by the fact they were unable to do anything about it for such a long time.

Step by Step (we can have lots of fun):

1. Right click on the desktop, click on properties.

2. Click the Screensaver tab, click the screensaver dropdown menu and select Marquee.

3. Click on settings. Here you can change the text, background color, speed, font size/color etc.

4. Set the screensaver Wait: time to 10 minutes at least. The reason for this is if you put it to less than 10 minutes the person might just be idled at their computer for 10 minutes and see the screensaver. The point is for others to read it after he or she has left.

Prank 4 & 5: Mouse trouble!

Description: A couple of things you can do to make people think their mouse no longer works, depending on the type of mouse involved.

A) Optical mouse (the one with the red light under it)

Step by Step (There's so much we can do):

1. Place a piece of tape over the red light located under the mouse. The mouse will no longer work until he removes the tape. Sticky/Post-it notes work as well just make sure they are not wider than the mouse.

B) Ball Mouse?!

1. You can remove the ball from the mouse by twisting off the bottom of the mouse. This does not work as well because the prankee may detect the change in weight. Luckily, some people are stupid enough to fall for this. Good luck.

Prank 6: That's not my homepage!!

Description: Set the default Internet Explorer homepage to an embarassing website.

Step by Step (It's just you and me):

1. Open up Internet Explorer (close the 50 thousand pop-ups and spyware windows).

2. Click on Tools - Internet Options.

3. In the Homepage window type in whichever webpage you want to appear when they open IE. So http://www.barbie.com/, goatse, http://www.rotten.com/ etc.

4. Close IE

Prank 7: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?

*note* This may or may not work depending on the phone setups. If you work for a large enough company, you might have digital phonelines that involve communication with a central hub. In this is the case, then the prank will work. I basically found this out accidently when pulling this prank on a friend once. Sorry Mike! I suggest doing this one on people you don't like.

Description: Unplug someone's phone causing it to not work and need to be reconfigured, which can be a lengthy process in large companies. You should really hate the person that you do this to.

Step by Step (Huh):
1. Unplug the person's phone from the phone jack usually located on the floor. It could be a small box or plugged into your beautiful cubicle wall.

2. Apparently, if the phone is unplugged long enough it will fail an echo test that is performedon phones now and then to see if they are still there. If the phone is not connected, it will get removed from the system. To fix the problem, you co-worker would have to call whoever is in charge of phones and have them re-enable it. Depending on the size of the business, this could take a few hours or 8 years!

Prank 8: Mah keyboard is messed up!

Description: Switching around certain keys on the keyboard. This works well on people that look at their keyboard while typing. For everyone else, the trick may never be noticed.

Step by Step:
1. Get a prying type object. A pen will do.

2. I suggest switching the following keys I-O , N-M and perhaps even E-R. In my experience most people do not realize right away that the keys are switched when doing those keys.

3. Put the prying object under a key on the keyboard and pop it out. Don't worry they are meant to be able to be removed for cleaning purposes.

Razor's Retro Reviews: Hysteria - Def Leppard

I picked up the Def Leppard album Hysteria over the weekend at a used record store for $3.99. I didn’t even know they made this album on vinyl. I would have assumed that vinyl liquified on contact with music this epic.

At any rate, I gave it a listen and I thought that it would be a fun album to review. Hysteria was the follow-up to Def Leppard’s breakout album ‘Pyromania’.

This album took four years to make and it was during this hiatus that drummer Rick Allen lost his left arm in a car accident. He stayed with the band and had a custom drum set made that would allow him to do some of the drumming that he used to do with his left arm, but with his legs. They also attached an electronic drum kit to the whole thing.

In an attempt to be taken seriously, I’ll throw a few facts your way:

- Def Leppard is one of only six rock bands with two original albums selling over 10 million copies each in the U.S. The others are The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Eagles and Van Halen.

- Hysteria has sold 18 million albums worldwide

- It was produced by Mutt ‘I’m banging Shania Twain’ Lange

- It was ranked #472 on Rolling Stones 500 Best Albums of all-time

- Hysteria reached #1 on the US Billboard charts

- Hysteria charted 7 singles on the US Billboard charts, with ‘Love Bites’ being its only #1 single

I’m not trying to transform anyone into a Def Leppard fan, I’m just trying to convince you that they’re not as bad as we all seem to think, and that at one time, they were on top of the world. I know that my hometown radio station has pretty much ruined Def Leppard for everyone I grew up with by playing their music on a steady loop, but I thought that I’d give them another try.

Here’s the review:

#1 “Women”

This was the first song released as a single in the US and it reached #80 on the charts. It’s an OK song, but probably not worthy to open an album like this. I don’t think that I’ve heard this song played on the radio or, in fact, ever. I actually already forget how it sounds.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

He was born with a passion, love and hate

A restless spirit with a need for a mate

But there was somethin' that was missin', somethin' lost

So he came with the answer, here's what it cost

One part love, one part wild

One part lady, one part child

I give you Women! women! -

Lots of pretty women

Men! men! - They can't live without them

Women! women! - Lots of pretty women

Men! men! - They can't live without them

#2 “Rocket”

Now we’re talking! I always rock out to this song, I don’t care what anyone says. And you can’t just say ‘Rocket’, you have to yell it in the ear of the person closest to you…Rock-it! Pelvic thrusting is strictly optional. This song reached #12 on the US charts, but it will always be first in my heart.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

I can take you thru the center of the dark

We're gonna fly

On a collision course to crash into my heart

I will be your, I will be your, I'll be your

Rocket yeah satellite of love

Rocket yeah satellite of love

Rocket yeah satellite of love Rocket baby!

C'mon, I'll be your satellite of love

Here’s the video:




The video might lead you to believe that there are some political undertones to this song, but that's patently false. Does anyone else think that Joe Elliot looks like that disturbingly manly aunt who never quite managed to convince you as a child that she was a woman?

#3 “Animal”

Ah yes, another classic hit! But I would consider it the poor man’s “Rocket”….Rock-it! This song reached #19 on the US charts. The lyrics are somewhat telegraphic due to a serious lack of transitional expressions:

And I want and I need

And I lust animal

What the hell does that mean?! Is he lusting for animals? Or lusting like an animal? Is it purposely left open to interpretation? Only the animals and their ruptured colons know for sure.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Cry wolf, given mouth to mouth

Like a movin' heartbeat in the witching hour

I'm runnin' with the wind, a shadow in the dust

And like the drivin' rain, yeah, like the restless rust

I never sleep

#4 “Love Bites”

The epitome of rock ballads! I’ve spend more time finding solace in this song, as a teenager, than any self-respecting person should be willing to admit. If we had emos in the 80’s, they’d all be clamoring for this song. Take note Simple Plan, take a lot of notes…

This song also introduced me to the hi-tech digital speaking voice-over that has become so popular in songs…ok, it was never popular…but it still kicks ass. ‘Love Bites’ reached #1 on the US charts. What song did ‘Love Bites’ need to overtake to reach #1? Don’t Worry Be Happy. Take that Bobby McFerrin!!

This songs raises many profound questions for all couples to consider:

When you make love, do you look in the mirror?

Who do you think of, does he look like me?

Do you tell lies and say that it's forever?

Do you think twice, or just touch 'n' see?

These questions were all going to be asked during that Dr.Phil/Britney Spears interview that got cancelled. It’s probably best that we never got the answers.

That Spears bitch is hot, but crazy. You know?

Here’s the video:




I have to admit, I have no fucking clue as to what’s going on in this video. 80% of the damn thing is nothing more than shots of the band doing jack shit.

#5 “Pour Some Sugar On Me”

Over the course of history, many things have been done in the name of love. Poetry has been written, wars have been fought, and now, thanks to Def Leppard, sugar has been poured.

Of all the songs to make it big, this has got to be the dumbest, but Def Leppard pulls it off. I don’t know how, but I love this song. It gets me going.

This song reached #2 on the Billboard charts. Man, the song that kept it from reaching #1 must have been a doozy. Let’s look that up…humm, it’s…you’re kidding me: Hold on to the Nights by Richard Marx?! Def Leppard got beat by Richard Marx?! 1988 wasn't just a different time, it was a different fucking planet.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on

Livin' like a lover with a radar phone

What the hell is a radar phone?!…

You got the peaches, I got the cream

Sweet to taste, saccharine

SACCHARINE! Never before and never again will this word be used in lyrics, NEVER…cherish the moment people…

Here’s the video:

There’s a general rule about concerts where you’re considered an idiot if you wear a band shirt of the actual band that you’re there to watch…well, what happens if the lead singer is wearing his own band shirt? Does that make it ok for the rest of us? I can’t believe these guys used to be cool, it baffles the mind and destroys the spirit.

About halfway through watching this one, I couldn’t help but feel that I’ve seen the exact same video but performed by another band, and then it hit me:

I guess some good came out of the Def Leppard era…

#6 “Armageddon It”

I actually had to see this title in writing before I knew what this song was actually called. The first thing that I noticed about this song is that it’s way too long for what it is; it should be two minutes shorter as the end just rambles on. The second thing I realized was that this expression was never going to catch on, which you know Def Leppard was hoping it would. It’s just too wordy:

Razor: Hey boss, what do you want me to do with this stack of environmental reports?

Boss (trying to be hip): Armagunit…armag…armageddit..

Razor: Armageddon it?

Boss: Just shred them…

All that aside, it’s a rocking song and easy to get into. This one reached #3 on the charts.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

You try comin' on when you need some...

But then you don't 'cos you already did

Yeah, you jangle your jewels while your shakin' ya...

And drive the pretty boys outta their heads

What the fuck is going on with these lyrics? At first, when I read ‘Jangle your jewels’, I think testicles…but in the next line they’re talking about driving the pretty boys outta their heads, are they in a gay bar? Is Def Leppard gay? Why am I agonizing of questions that are obviously true? I think that I’ll just move on.

Here the video…and before you accuse me of finding a version of the ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ video with the song dubbed over it, pay attention to the very beginning where it clears states ‘Armageddon It’:

It’s the same damn video! From the same concert! I even recognized members from the audience that were in the ‘Sugar’ video! The girl that appears at 2:01 of this video appears at 1:18 of the video for ‘Sugar’. What the hell?! Was it a budgeting decision? Did they really not have enough money to finance a whole new video for this song?! I would have been insulted had I been a fan back in the day…

Side B

#7 “Gods of War”

Here’s the thing about this song, in terms of popularity, no one’s probably heard it before, but it really isn’t any different from any of the other songs that were released from this album like ‘Animal’ or ‘Armageddon It’. So what happened? Did Def Leppard develop a conscience at some point and say, ‘Hey, we’ve sold enough records and made enough money, let’s stop releasing singles off this album, we don’t want to saturate our fans.' It’s too bad, because this is probably the one song that isn’t complete gibberish. It’s an anti-war song, ‘Stop fightin' for the gods of war/Yeah what the hell we fightin' for?’

Of course, Def Leppard are British, so I’m not sure if they’re protesting a specific war or war in general or the war on dental hygiene, because there weren’t too many wars going on in 1988. Either way, this song seems to have a point, which is more than I can say about most songs on this album.

#8 “Don’t Shoot Shotgun”

The only thing different about this song is the guitar solo about ¾ into it…I couldn’t tell you who the guitar player is off the top of my head. This song probably has the funniest beginning on the album:

Run for cover (Run for cover)

Don't shoot! - Shoot!

She's so dangerous

(Shotgun!)

(Gun!)

(Don't shoot shotgun!)

I honestly can’t remember anything else about this song past the intro, so it can’t be that good.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right

Fallin' head over heals at the speed of light

Hey little miss heaven on earth

Whoa, won't you walk this way but I see a red alert

Oh, my senses say keep away

So don't shoot!

#9 “Run Riot”

Garbage…Next song

#10 “Hysteria”

Oh can you feel it? Do you believe it? It’s such a magical mysteria. What’s that? Mysteria isn’t a word? According to Def Leppard it is, so who are you to challenge them? Fuck you

This is the best song on side B, and the only one to reach the charts (peaked at #10). I like this song, even though it’s so repetitive…It’s trying to do the same with ‘Hys-ter-ia-a-a-a’ that it did with ‘Rock-it!’, but it doesn’t quite work that way. You can’t scare the shit out of anyone by sneaking up on them and yelling ‘Hys-ter-i-a-a-a'

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Hysteria when you're near

Out of me, into you yeah

You could hide it's just a one way street

Oh, I believe I'm in you, yeah

Open wide, that's right, dream me off my feet

Oh, believe in me

Here’s the video:




Man, I really don’t get Leppard videos. The ballroom dancing in particular bothers me, because it makes me feel tingly down there. If you know what I mean. We’re almost done…

#11 “Excitable”

I’m starting to get tired of listening to this album. More garbage music where they pretty much shout random slogans to get you ‘excited’, get it? Excitable…excited…forget it…

#12 “Love and Affection”

The last song of the album! Woohoo! Side A was great, but side B has been a painful ride…This song is all about sex and sexual innuendos and more sex. In terms of music, I’ve already blocked it from my memory, so it can’t be that good.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

You got the fire, baby, I got the heat, can you handle it?

I got the time, baby, you got the need, oh surrender it

Oh, it's a passion crime with a danger sign, oh, can you handle it?

You're just another girl, I'm just another man, it's just another night

And there you have it, ‘Hysteria’ by Def Leppard, one of the greatest albums produced in the 1980s, summarized and analyzed for your reading pleasure. Hey, it could be worse, I could have sat you down and made you listen to it, or made you watch their videos. Wait. I did do that last one.

Razor Rant: 9 Bus Rules for Non-assholes.

Just like millions of people every day, I walk out my front door in the morning only to face the harsh reality that I am taking the bus to work. The Guess Who wrote a song about it, a fucking stupid song to be sure, but they nail situation right on the money.

Sure, I can say that my reasons for taking the bus are environmental and that I’m trying to save the planet and all that bullshit. To be honest, I’d take my car everyday, but I just can’t afford the parking and the stress of having to drive would kill me.

I didn’t always hate taking the bus, and in fact, I used to see it as a good stress-free way to get from point A to point B. I just didn’t factor in the other morons that need to take the bus too. It’s those morons that have ruined it for me, and probably a lot of other people too. I don’t even have to tell you who I’m talking about, if you have ever taken the bus then you know who I mean: people who have no concept of where they are and don’t care how their behaviour affects those around them. This is a lot like the grocery store people.

Here are a few basic rules that, if followed, would make public transportation bearable again:

1) One Person = One Seat – Public transportation isn’t necessarily meant to be comfortable. You paid what, $2-$3 for your ride? You can’t expect much for that price, so accept the fact that you need to share with others and don’t sprawl yourself out over two-three seats. Other people would like to sit too. Who the fuck do you think you are?! Just the other day, I saw 4 guys at the back of the bus occupy 11 seats! They were sprawled out in the same way you would in your own living room. Handy tip: the bus is not your house. While we’re on the subject of taking up sitting space…

2) Don’t Put Your Bag on the Seat – I don’t care how difficult a day your bag had, it wasn’t any harder than mine, and therefore I shouldn’t have to stand for 30 minutes while your books get a comfortable ride. You want to bring shit on the bus, put it on the ground in front of you or in your lap. I’m tired, I want to sit, which brings me to this…

3) If there’s a Seat Available, Sit your Ass Down – It drives me nuts when there are plenty of seats available but people insist on standing up and clogging up the aisle. Why won’t you sit down?! What are you afraid of? Was there ever a tuck-and-roll period of public transportation that I missed?

Rest assured, when you get to your stop, you’ll have plenty of time to get up from your seat and get off the bus. Just sit your ass down, it makes me nervous. Of course, the bus can sometimes be pretty full, which means that you have to stay standing, in which case…

4) Don’t Block the Doors – This is my #1 pet peeve on the bus, it drives me absolutely fucking nuts when people block the damn doors and put absolutely no effort in getting out of the way. I understand that someone has to stand in front of the door when the bus is at capacity, but if you’re that someone, be aware of the people around you and do everything you can to get out of the way. The best thing to do is to step off the bus for five seconds while you let people out and step back on. The bus driver is not going to take off while the door is open, so just step off, then step on….step off, step on…it’s that easy. While we’re on the subject of standing on the bus…

5) Hold on To Something – It’s simple physics…when the bus sets forth in motion, it sets you in motion…when the bus stops, you’re still in motion and if you’re not holding on to anything, you’re going to go flying. This might seem funny at first, but if you’re in the path of the 50 year old Italian woman who doesn’t have the presence of mind to brace herself, it’s going to get awkward. You see, she doesn’t want to fall, who can blame her, so she’ll grasp at everything and anything in order to stop her fall, and that anything could just be you. You should especially hold on to something if you have a backpack, which brings me to the following…

6) Take Off Your Backpack – There are three main reasons for this one, the first being the point above, the second being that you’re taking up unnecessary space and the third being that you’re going to nail someone in the head. If I have a backpack and I’m forced to stand up, I take it off and put it on the ground between my legs, it doesn’t get in anyone’s way and I don’t feel like a dickhead. Most importantly, if you keep your backpack on, chances are pretty good that you’re going to hit one of the people lucky enough to get a seat in the head…and that’s not cool. You may hate them because they’re sitting, but it’s not their fault, they're just following rule #3, so have enough presence of mind to ensure that you don’t nail anyone in the head. If you do hit someone, apologize, but make sure to follow the last rule…

7) Don’t Talk above the Noise – I’ll be straight with you: if I’m sitting across from you, I don’t care who you are or what you look like, I don’t give a shit about what you’re saying to your friend of to the other idiot on the other side of that conversation. I’m not asking you not to talk on the bus; I’m just asking that you monitor the volume because I don’t want to hear whatever fool thing you have to say. Chances are pretty good that you’re an idiot and what you say will anger me. Example, there was this one guy talking with his buddy and bragging about going to high school with…I don’t even remember the guy’s name…he was a quarterback for the Giants and he was on that ‘Bachelor’ show…his last name was Palmer…it doesn’t fucking matter, it was just one in a series of conversations I want erased from my memory.

8) Have your fare ready -- Except under exceptional circumstance (i.e. you had to run to catch the bus), you should never count out your bus fare on the bus. Sure, you may not know EXACTLY how much bus fare is....but you have a fucking idea. Have your goddamn change ready before the bus arrives. Better yet, buy bus tickets or a bus pass. You are not important enough to hold up a bus full of people that are anxious to get home. Sorry I had to burst your bubble there.

9) Move to the back of the bus-- People get on at the front of the bus. If you are clogging up the front, then life become difficult for everyone. Don't be douche.

If everyone follows these simple rules, trust me, people may actually start to enjoy taking the bus…this could be revolutionary…but it won’t.

SBF's Belated Top 10 Predictions for 2008

Tiger baby, man-up for christsakes.

10. Tired of being called out by his hot wife for playing a pussy sport, Tiger Woods quits the PGA and moves to Austria with the goal of dominating Aussie Rules Football, only to find he has made a terrible mistake when people stop goose-stepping, cower in their lederhosen, and start referring to him as die Schwartzfußballer.

9. Matt Damon voted People magazine's sexiest man alive two years in a row. However, the title is then revoked when it is discovered that lesbians, mistaking the star for Ellen Degeneres, stuffed the ballot box like the front row at an Ani Difranco concert.

8. Coach Belichick is caught for cheating once again. This time he is charged with transcribing plays from Madden NFL football, a Playstation 3 game. His continuous defense against the "triple-reverse hand-off" play proves futile.

Let's try the hail Mary again.

7. After defeating Barack Obama in the primaries, Hillary Clinton shocks the world by become the first female president of the United States. It is later revealed that the ballots contained errors and that the word 'Hillary' was replaced by the word 'Bill' and that 'Clinton' was replaced with 'Murray'.

6. Mattel signs a 55 million dollar contract with Me Likey De Led, a new Chinese manufacturing company. Mattel files for bankruptcy when it is later revealed that the Chinese company was not, in fact, named by an eccentric billionaire Led Zeppelin fan, but rather by an evil eccentric billionaire that hates children.

5. Jesus comes back to save humanity, but not before appearing on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, where they advise him to lose the beard, start moisturizing, and stop looking like such a crazy motherfucker.

Money changers? In my Dad's temple? The shit be on.

4. In a desperate attempt to find new sources of renewable energy, scientists build a contraption for converting hot air into electricity. The harnassing of Rush Limbaugh is immediate and savage.

Somtimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sometimes it is the result of a cock fetish. (pictured above: cock fetishist)

3. 'Duct Tape' voted best sex tape for 30th consecutive year by United Rapists of America.

lol

2. Tom Cruise goes on Oprah to denounce the Led Zeppelin album 'Mothership' and supporting reunion tour as the work of Zenu, the evil intergallactic overlord. Young scientologists revel in this new "devil's music".

1. Family guy proves uncannily prescient in anticipating Brtiney's loss of her right foot to diabetes.

Razor's Retro Reviews: Beatles White Album side 4

Side Four

We’ve reached the end, and I’d like to say that it’s a good end, but to use cliched analogy, side 4 is to the White Album as Ringo is to the Beatles.

Revolution 1 (Lennon)

This is not the song you think it is; well, it is, but not the same version. Everyone knows the raucous distortion-filled song that makes you want to jump out and start kicking ass: that song is simply called ‘Revolution’ (notice the absence of the #1). Revoltion 1 is basically the same song, but on valium. Let me explain:

The initial version, the valium version, was suppose to be the B-side to the ‘Hey Jude’ single, but Paul, George and Ringo told John that it was too slow. It might have something to do John recording the vocals while lying on his back in the recording studio. Lennon was a bit irritated by this criticism (especially from Ringo I bet, the nerve of the guy), so he decided to make the song as ferocious as possible (possibly while imagining himself beating Ringo to death with a bong), and that’s the version most people know and love. In contrast, the slower version was renamed ‘Revolution 1’, and buried at the end of the white album. It is the Courtney Love to 'Revolution''s Kurt Cobain.

Interestingly, Lennon says ‘in’ at the end of the ‘when you talk about destruction don’t you know that you can count me out’…so I guess he was undecided at the time. Check it out at about the 0:50 mark of this clip:



Honey Pie (McCartney)

This song is not related anyway to the weird ‘Wild Honey Pie’ from side 1. It has a vaudevillian sound to it, which is par for the course in this clusterfuck of an album. Within this context (and in any other), it’s a completely forgettable song.


Savoy Truffle (Harrison)

Not to be confused with the truffle shuffle, see here:


Harrison wrote this song simply by looking at the different types of truffles on a box of chocolate he had in front of him. I don’t know if that’s genius or just plain stupid. Genius would have been waiting a decade or so and basing the song on the Goonies (above). Apparently, he wrote it as a tribute to his good pal (and future wife-stealer) Eric Clapton's addiction to chocolate. It’s a catchy tune, but once again, forgettable, which is not surprising given the innanity of the song's premise.



I’d like to say that this is the weirdest song on the album, but it isn't even close. We’ve yet to reach the limits of this album's fucked-upedness.

Cry Baby Cry (Lennon)

This was written by Lennon as a sort of nursery rhyme, albeit a really dark one. Instead of soothing the baby, he wants it to cry. Of this song, Lennon said, ‘a piece of rubbish’. That’s a little harsh, especially when it happens to be on the same side as a song that really is a piece of rubbish, but clearly it isn’t one of his best efforts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwfTYQYrDQU

You’ll be surprised to find a completely unrelated short song by McCartney tacked on at the end, which is usually known as ‘Can You Take Me Back’. People often confuse it as being the beginning of the next, ahem, song…


Revolution #9 (Lennon)

This is fucked up, pure and simple. Lennon let Yoko Ono’s ‘avant garde’ style influence him and the end result is a hodge-podge of random noises and voices. Avant Garde refers to styles that challenge the norm and are innovative and experimental.

The track begins with Lennon repeatedly saying ‘Number 9, Number 9, Number 9…’. For all you Simpson fans out there, you certainly recall their take on it when Barney was paired with a Japanese conceptual artist and they hammered out the song ‘Number 8, *barney belch*, Number 8…’ (B-Sharps episode).

When you first start listening to it, you sort of expect it to break out into a real song at any moment. But, there will come a point where you realize that it will just keep going; it is at this point that you just stop and say to yourself, ‘What the fuck is going on?’

This track has been analyzed to death, but I won’t offer a detailed analysis because it’s crap. McCartney fought hard to keep this off the album, but Lennon won in the end.

There are a few interesting facts about this song that I would like to point out:

a) The track samples ‘A Day in the Life’ at some point, and it’s probably the first known use of the ‘sampling’ technique, which has been used over and over again by the rap world. Man, is there anything in music that the Beatles didn’t try first? The implication: the Beatles are to blame for P diddy and Vanilla Ice. Somebody had to say it.

b) Vincent Bugliosi, the attorney who successfully prosecuted Charles Manson, theorized that Manson believed that the song made reference to ‘Revelations 9’ of the Bible, which speaks of Armeggedon and the battle to end all battles. I find that verse #4 backs up this theory pretty well: They were told that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree, but only those people who don't have God's seal on their foreheads.





Ummm…probably not the right symbol…

Here’s the ‘song’:

Good Night (Lennon)

And so we’ve reached the end, with a song appropriately titled, ‘Good Night’. Actually, considering how this album has been, it seems a rather inappropriate end to this album. Although written by John Lennon, it is sung by Ringo Starr and backed up by a 26-piece orchestra. How nice of John to throw Ringo a bone. It was written by John as a lullaby for his son Julien and it has the desired effect of putting you to sleep, which is probably a good thing following Revolution #9. THAT shit will keep you awake at night.

Here’s a Ringo Starr tribute accompanied by the song:
And there you have it, side 4 of the Beatles’ White Album, a less than glamorous way to end an all together fantastic album.

Kris' Rant: The 7 ATM (bankmachine) protocols

Automated Tellers, not the porno related ATM, you dirty freak

I find myself boiling into a rage everytime that I go to use an ATM. I just want to pull out 20$ in the next 30 seconds. Is that too much to ask for?

The following are simple guidelines to ensure fast and irritation-free access to our money:

1) Know where to stand - Hey jackass, I can feel you breathe down my neck, and that better be a roll of quarters in your pocket. Unless the ATM is in a 3x3 foot room, you shouldn't be standing so close to me. Not without paying me first. Luckily for you, there's a cash machine right here. I'll let you breathe on me for 10 bucks, grind against me for 20, and it's 50 bucks for the "around the world". Standing 20 feet away doesn't help either. How am I supposed to know that you are waiting in line? From where I'm standing, you look like some creep that stares at people's asses all day long. Here's a tip: the perfect distance is 5 feet away.

2) Don't pay your bills - So you set up your account so that you can pay your bills at the machine? If you are able to do that, then you obviously have the knowledge to set up internet banking. Are you trying to hide the fact that you spent 400$ on porno last month from your wife? Move your ass out of my way, I have my own porno to buy, and cash leaves no paper trail.

3) Don't transfer money into several accounts - Look at Bill Gates over here with all his financial wheeling and dealing. Only, if you were actually Bill Gates, you would know that time is money, and in this case you are wasting your own and, more importantly, mine. Fuck you you inconsiderate bastard. Don't you know who I am? Go see a bank teller for that shit. It helps restore the self-confidence that their solid weekend of training has only served to undermine.

4) Don't be an old person - Are you old and want to use the ATM? Don't bother. Technology frightens you, and if the ATM had feelings, it would feel the same towards you. Oh, I have no doubt that you would figure it out eventually. It is just that watching you try is more frustrating than entertaining. Let the good people behind the desk help you.

"Too many buttons!"

5) Updating your passbook - If you recently found your old checking book under the couch covered in what used to be Doritoes, please burn it. You went on this long without updating it, what's another 6 months? Besides, you can turn the mystery into a fun game. My favorite game:"Do I have enough money to eat this week?" I win more than 50% of the time.

6) Stop looking behind you - Seriously, don't look back at me every ten seconds to glare at me because you're a paranoid fuck, I'm not going to rob you. Well, I wasn't going to rob you, but you have to be paranoid about something. I wonder how much cash you have in there...fuck it, I'm robbing you.

7) When you're done - Please step to the side. Don't stand there like a fucking moron looking at your receipt or start counting your money. People need to use the machine too you know. What exactly are you looking for anyway? Did you already forget how much money you pulled out? Check the other hand stupid. But Kris, maybe the ATM made an error; I don't want to lose my place in line! Even if you find a mistake, what the fuck do you want the ATM to do? Take your complaint? Unless they hired the guy that played R2D2 to live inside the machine, this isn't going to happen.

Just shout into the card reader. Kenny Baker would be more than happy to take your complaint

Razor Rant: 9 Most Irritating Things to Avoid Doing While Grocery Shopping

The store-security fashionistas took a dim view of his denim on denim faux-pas.

It never ceases to amaze me how completely unaware some people are of their surroundings, especially...ESPECIALLY in grocery stores. They walk in there and wander around as though they own the place, completely oblivious to the fact that they just cut off that renegade shopper in the discount produce aisle, and that he's just about ready to snap (i.e. - me).

I hate grocery shopping.

Here are few basic rules that everyone should follow when grocery shopping:

1) Have a game plan - Make a list, discuss whatever it is you need to discuss before entering the store, and stick to the plan once you get started. Don't park yourself across an aisle so you can fight with your wife about what kind of fabric softener gives you a rash and which one doesn't. This is the kind of shit you talk about at home.

2) Be aware of the people around you - If I've been standing beside you for the last two minutes, it's not because I'm anxiously awaiting your next move, it's because you're in my way...get out of my fucking way.

Yeah, I'm blocking the aisle a little, but look at that twit behind me.

3) Shopping carts are like cars - There will be traffic in both directions of an aisle, in order to prevent chaos, don't walk down the fucking middle, don't swerve from one side to the other, just pretend that you're driving your car. Better yet, pretend like you have half a brain.

4) Leave all unnecessary family members at home - This might sound cold, or even impossible if you're a single parent, but if you have a family member that doesn't need to be there, doesn't fit in the shopping cart, that's too weak to carry anything or doesn't get to participate in any of the decision making (which should have been done before entering the store anyway), then leave them behind, they're useless to the operation.

Otherwise, they'll just end up getting in someone else's way or you'll end up abandoning your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go off chasing after them. Leaving them at home will also avoid those mortifying public displays of assholery.





5) Give me room at the cash register - Standing as close to me as humanly possible while waiting in line isn't going to make the line go faster, so give me some fucking room. If you bump my leg one more time, I swear to god.

Also, giving me or the cashier dirty looks will also not make things go faster, so just chill, entertain yourself with the crazy tabloid headlines. I hear Britney Spears gave birth to an alien baby, possibly Charles Manson's.

6) Once at the cash register, stay at the cash register - If your husband doesn't have the power to make executive decisions at the cash register while you're browsing at the make-up counter, then don't go to the fucking make-up counter, because something will go wrong and your tool of a husband whom you've castrated long ago will have to go running after you, leaving the rest of us in line, those of us with our balls dangling safely between our legs on not strewn carelessly inside a mason jar under the sink, fuming. *Editor note: Razor's balls are too big to fit an a mason jar, otherwise that's where they would be.

7) Leave the cashiers alone - That's an obvious one. Whatever your problem is, unless it is related to some cashier related issue (e.g. incorrect change), it's not the cashier's fault. You have two options: either be a jackass and yell at them as if they deserve it (not recommended) or calmly explain to them what your problem is and chances are that they'll be glad to help.

8) The girl guides at the exit selling cookies are lying bitches - On my way out this cutie comes up to me and says, "Do you want to buy some cookies mister? They're just a dollar."

How can I refuse that? So I go over to the adults that are actually selling the cookie to buy two boxes, I give her a ten and I get a $2 back. "How much are the cookies?" "$4" I think to myself, "You little..." I should have kicked her ass just like Peter Griffin kicked the ass of that chicken who gave him a bad coupon, but I let it go, that little punk is going to get hers in hell...

9) Paying with exact change - I have no problem with it. We all want to get rid of our crappy pennies. What I do have a problem with is if you take over a minute trying to find that extra penny you have stashed away in one of your pockets. Go crazy and 'break' one of your precious nickels and get the fuck out. If nothing else, it will get you back to your hobby, returning old bottles for cash, a lot quicker. That's not your hobby you say? Then why do you care about that fucking penny so much!?

Razor's Retro Reviews: Beatles White Album (Side 3)

1. Birthday (McCartney)

Another McCartney creation, could this song be any catchier? No, it cannot.

Among other things, it allows the Beatles to re-visit their roots, churning out a shallow pop song that means absolutely nothing. I’ll tell you this: it sure as hell beats the original ‘Happy Birthday’ song…man that song sucks. Well, the Marilyn Monroe version is ok.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President.

At any rate, it’s a great way to kick-off side 3 of the album or, as any radio DJ will tell you, a list of celebrity birthday announcements. Further, it is definitely a nice change of pace from the infinitely more lugubrious side 2.

Oddly, the Beatles’ wives/mistresses sing back-up on this one, proving once again that behind every great man is a stubborn harpy that won't mind her own business.

Here’s the mandatory clip:



Well, it is more 'words scrolling up the screen' than a clip really.

2. Yer Blues (Lennon)

Now it’s Lennon's turn to show off his blues chops, and yeah, his chops are better than McCartney's. He makes up for his lacklustre performance on side 2 with this return to form.

Actually, you know all that stuff I said about side 3 being lighter material? I lied. The first words of the second song:

I’m lonely/ I want to die

Careful what you wish for John.

Seriously, this song kicks ass. I love the reference to Bob Dylan’s ‘Ballad of a Thin Man’ with the lyrics,

I feel so suicidal/ Just like dear Mr. Jones

I found this awesome clip from a movie the Rolling Stones did called ‘The Rolling Stones Rock and Roll Circus’ where Lennon sings this song with Eric Clapton and Keith Richards. Don’t feel obligated to watch the awkward exchange between Lennon and Jagger at the start, just do it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ed-6jPfi500
*Editors Note: Some bitchy company asked that the embedding of the clip be disabled.

3. Mother Nature’s Son (McCartney)

Alright, so far on this album, we have an upbeat pop song followed by a suicidal blues number, so of course, you need to follow that up with…a folk ballad? Sure, let’s go with that. This is a very simple song that Paul wrote and performed without the other Beatles.

It’s a good song, but completely forgettable.



4. Every Body’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey (Lennon)

This is the longest title in the Beatles catalogue, and it continues the ‘what the hell is going on?’ trend that side 3 seems to be establishing. It’s great though, I love jumping from one genre to the next on an album, I’ve never seen it done like this before, each song is just so much very different than the last.

This would be lumped under ‘Hard Rock’ and its Lennon’s way of telling the world that his affair with Yoko Ono isn’t the big secret everybody made it out to be. In that case, you’d probably assume that the monkey in the title is Yoko Ono. Does this make sense? It does to me. Have you seen what the woman looks like?



See. I told you. Yoko is the monkey. In reality, no one really knows where Lennon came up with the ‘and my Monkey’ part of the title (the rest of the title is attributed to the Maharishi), so you might as well believe me.

If you ever find yourself on trial for something, I’d recommend shouting 'and my monkey' at the top of your lungs. The judge will be moved, he really will…oh, and it’s a great song, very energetic.

Here’s an awesome clip:




5. Sexy Sadie (Lennon)

Two Lennon songs in a row? Excellent. This is a good one, a scathing critique of his beloved Indian Guru, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. I’ve mentioned the Maharishi many times to this point, and assumed that everyone knew who he was (still is). For you ignorant swine out there, he’s basically a meditation guru and is known largely for developping the transcendental technique.

I’ve never tried it, but I’d like to think that it looks like this:



Relations between the Beatles and the Maharishi broke off after Lennon ‘allegedly’ caught the Maharishi making a pass on a female member of his entourage. I’d like to emphasize the word ‘allegedly’ because the Beatles renamed the song from ‘Maharishi’ for fear of being sued by him. Not only can this guy transcend several levels of consciousness, he also has an in-depth knowledge of international law. Anyways, this pissed off John which drove him to write this song in order to call out the Maharishi on his ‘alleged’ hypocrisy.

Thus, I reveal to you that John Lennon was a huge cock block, because really, who fucking cares? So the Maharishi is human. Douches don't belong on pedestals John, you do.

Here’s a good clip for the song, the guy with the funky beard is Maharishi:




6. Helter Skelter (McCartney)

This song has been called many things: revolutionary, apocalyptic, raucous and fierce, just to name a few. Helter Skelter is often credited as being the first ever ‘Heavy Metal’ song.

It’s pretty tame by today’s standards, but back in 1969, this was very heavy shit. McCartney, once again, wanted to prove to everyone that he didn’t only write ballads…point well taken.

This is a fucking awesome song, but I don’t understand McCartney’s inspiration for it. To find out, I thought I'd start by figuring out what the fuck Helter Skelter means.

The first three lines of the song describe it well:

When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and
I turn and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again.

That’s right, it’s a fucking amusement park slide, and it looks like this:


OK, now we know what it means, who wants to volunteer to tell Charles Manson? Anyone? This was the key song that Mr. Manson mis-interpreted as a calling for everyone to prepare for the Armaggedon. Close but no cigar…

The song ends with Ringo yelling ‘I’ve got blisters on my fingers!’ at the top of his lungs, probably the single greatest contribution by Ringo Starr. If you’re a fan of ‘Family Guy’, then you certainly recall Stewie Griffin shouting the same after strumming his banjo.




Here’s a fan vid with random images accompanying the song:




Here’s a slowed down version of Helter Skelter with Charles Mason’s voice dubbed over (saying the actual lyrics); it’s more than a little creepy:




7. Long Long Long (Harrison)

This calm and serene Harrison ballad perfectly juxtaposes the madness that was Helter Skelter.

Didn't I tell ya man? That Spears bitch is crazy.

It is the last song on this side and provides the perfect denoument to an album side that just about takes you everywhere.

As a stand alone song, it’s not very special, but it’s nice and relaxing. Harrison did a good job here, certainly better than what he gave us on side 2.

FYI: The strange rattling at the end of the song is the sound of a wine bottle rattling on top of a speaker. The bottle would rattle if Paul hit a certain note on his organ and the band liked the effect. What's that? You want a source for that little tidbit? Go fuck yourself, Martha.

Here’s a nice Harrison tribute:




Final Thoughts
And that’s the end of side 3, a very unusual album side with respect to the flow of the music, but there were no absolutely strange songs to compare with those on the first two sides, or even on side 4, which I will review later. Overall, I’d consider this to be as strong as side 1, if not stronger. As for side 4…yikes…