Thursday, January 31, 2008

Razor's Retro Reviews: Hysteria - Def Leppard


I picked up the Def Leppard album Hysteria over the weekend at a used record store for $3.99. I didn’t even know they made this album on vinyl. I would have assumed that vinyl liquified on contact with music this epic.

At any rate, I gave it a listen and I thought that it would be a fun album to review. Hysteria was the follow-up to Def Leppard’s breakout album ‘Pyromania’.

This album took four years to make and it was during this hiatus that drummer Rick Allen lost his left arm in a car accident. He stayed with the band and had a custom drum set made that would allow him to do some of the drumming that he used to do with his left arm, but with his legs. They also attached an electronic drum kit to the whole thing.

In an attempt to be taken seriously, I’ll throw a few facts your way:

- Def Leppard is one of only six rock bands with two original albums selling over 10 million copies each in the U.S. The others are The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Eagles and Van Halen.

- Hysteria has sold 18 million albums worldwide

- It was produced by Mutt ‘I’m banging Shania Twain’ Lange

- It was ranked #472 on Rolling Stones 500 Best Albums of all-time

- Hysteria reached #1 on the US Billboard charts

- Hysteria charted 7 singles on the US Billboard charts, with ‘Love Bites’ being its only #1 single

I’m not trying to transform anyone into a Def Leppard fan, I’m just trying to convince you that they’re not as bad as we all seem to think, and that at one time, they were on top of the world. I know that my hometown radio station has pretty much ruined Def Leppard for everyone I grew up with by playing their music on a steady loop, but I thought that I’d give them another try.

Here’s the review:

#1 “Women”

This was the first song released as a single in the US and it reached #80 on the charts. It’s an OK song, but probably not worthy to open an album like this. I don’t think that I’ve heard this song played on the radio or, in fact, ever. I actually already forget how it sounds.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

He was born with a passion, love and hate

A restless spirit with a need for a mate

But there was somethin' that was missin', somethin' lost

So he came with the answer, here's what it cost

One part love, one part wild

One part lady, one part child

I give you Women! women! -

Lots of pretty women

Men! men! - They can't live without them

Women! women! - Lots of pretty women

Men! men! - They can't live without them

#2 “Rocket”

Now we’re talking! I always rock out to this song, I don’t care what anyone says. And you can’t just say ‘Rocket’, you have to yell it in the ear of the person closest to you…Rock-it! Pelvic thrusting is strictly optional. This song reached #12 on the US charts, but it will always be first in my heart.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

I can take you thru the center of the dark

We're gonna fly

On a collision course to crash into my heart

I will be your, I will be your, I'll be your

Rocket yeah satellite of love

Rocket yeah satellite of love

Rocket yeah satellite of love Rocket baby!

C'mon, I'll be your satellite of love

Here’s the video:

The video might lead you to believe that there are some political undertones to this song, but that's patently false. Does anyone else think that Joe Elliot looks like that disturbingly manly aunt who never quite managed to convince you as a child that she was a woman?

#3 “Animal”

Ah yes, another classic hit! But I would consider it the poor man’s “Rocket”….Rock-it! This song reached #19 on the US charts. The lyrics are somewhat telegraphic due to a serious lack of transitional expressions:

And I want and I need

And I lust animal

What the hell does that mean?! Is he lusting for animals? Or lusting like an animal? Is it purposely left open to interpretation? Only the animals and their ruptured colons know for sure.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Cry wolf, given mouth to mouth

Like a movin' heartbeat in the witching hour

I'm runnin' with the wind, a shadow in the dust

And like the drivin' rain, yeah, like the restless rust

I never sleep

#4 “Love Bites”

The epitome of rock ballads! I’ve spend more time finding solace in this song, as a teenager, than any self-respecting person should be willing to admit. If we had emos in the 80’s, they’d all be clamoring for this song. Take note Simple Plan, take a lot of notes…

This song also introduced me to the hi-tech digital speaking voice-over that has become so popular in songs…ok, it was never popular…but it still kicks ass. ‘Love Bites’ reached #1 on the US charts. What song did ‘Love Bites’ need to overtake to reach #1? Don’t Worry Be Happy. Take that Bobby McFerrin!!

This songs raises many profound questions for all couples to consider:

When you make love, do you look in the mirror?

Who do you think of, does he look like me?

Do you tell lies and say that it's forever?

Do you think twice, or just touch 'n' see?

These questions were all going to be asked during that Dr.Phil/Britney Spears interview that got cancelled. It’s probably best that we never got the answers.

That Spears bitch is hot, but crazy. You know?

Here’s the video:

I have to admit, I have no fucking clue as to what’s going on in this video. 80% of the damn thing is nothing more than shots of the band doing jack shit.

#5 “Pour Some Sugar On Me”

Over the course of history, many things have been done in the name of love. Poetry has been written, wars have been fought, and now, thanks to Def Leppard, sugar has been poured.

Of all the songs to make it big, this has got to be the dumbest, but Def Leppard pulls it off. I don’t know how, but I love this song. It gets me going.

This song reached #2 on the Billboard charts. Man, the song that kept it from reaching #1 must have been a doozy. Let’s look that up…humm, it’s…you’re kidding me: Hold on to the Nights by Richard Marx?! Def Leppard got beat by Richard Marx?! 1988 wasn't just a different time, it was a different fucking planet.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on

Livin' like a lover with a radar phone

What the hell is a radar phone?!…

You got the peaches, I got the cream

Sweet to taste, saccharine

SACCHARINE! Never before and never again will this word be used in lyrics, NEVER…cherish the moment people…

Here’s the video:

There’s a general rule about concerts where you’re considered an idiot if you wear a band shirt of the actual band that you’re there to watch…well, what happens if the lead singer is wearing his own band shirt? Does that make it ok for the rest of us? I can’t believe these guys used to be cool, it baffles the mind and destroys the spirit.

About halfway through watching this one, I couldn’t help but feel that I’ve seen the exact same video but performed by another band, and then it hit me:

I guess some good came out of the Def Leppard era…

#6 “Armageddon It”

I actually had to see this title in writing before I knew what this song was actually called. The first thing that I noticed about this song is that it’s way too long for what it is; it should be two minutes shorter as the end just rambles on. The second thing I realized was that this expression was never going to catch on, which you know Def Leppard was hoping it would. It’s just too wordy:

Razor: Hey boss, what do you want me to do with this stack of environmental reports?

Boss (trying to be hip): Armagunit…armag…armageddit..

Razor: Armageddon it?

Boss: Just shred them…

All that aside, it’s a rocking song and easy to get into. This one reached #3 on the charts.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

You try comin' on when you need some...

But then you don't 'cos you already did

Yeah, you jangle your jewels while your shakin' ya...

And drive the pretty boys outta their heads

What the fuck is going on with these lyrics? At first, when I read ‘Jangle your jewels’, I think testicles…but in the next line they’re talking about driving the pretty boys outta their heads, are they in a gay bar? Is Def Leppard gay? Why am I agonizing of questions that are obviously true? I think that I’ll just move on.

Here the video…and before you accuse me of finding a version of the ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ video with the song dubbed over it, pay attention to the very beginning where it clears states ‘Armageddon It’:

It’s the same damn video! From the same concert! I even recognized members from the audience that were in the ‘Sugar’ video! The girl that appears at 2:01 of this video appears at 1:18 of the video for ‘Sugar’. What the hell?! Was it a budgeting decision? Did they really not have enough money to finance a whole new video for this song?! I would have been insulted had I been a fan back in the day…

Side B

#7 “Gods of War”

Here’s the thing about this song, in terms of popularity, no one’s probably heard it before, but it really isn’t any different from any of the other songs that were released from this album like ‘Animal’ or ‘Armageddon It’. So what happened? Did Def Leppard develop a conscience at some point and say, ‘Hey, we’ve sold enough records and made enough money, let’s stop releasing singles off this album, we don’t want to saturate our fans.' It’s too bad, because this is probably the one song that isn’t complete gibberish. It’s an anti-war song, ‘Stop fightin' for the gods of war/Yeah what the hell we fightin' for?’

Of course, Def Leppard are British, so I’m not sure if they’re protesting a specific war or war in general or the war on dental hygiene, because there weren’t too many wars going on in 1988. Either way, this song seems to have a point, which is more than I can say about most songs on this album.

#8 “Don’t Shoot Shotgun”

The only thing different about this song is the guitar solo about ¾ into it…I couldn’t tell you who the guitar player is off the top of my head. This song probably has the funniest beginning on the album:

Run for cover (Run for cover)

Don't shoot! - Shoot!

She's so dangerous



(Don't shoot shotgun!)

I honestly can’t remember anything else about this song past the intro, so it can’t be that good.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right

Fallin' head over heals at the speed of light

Hey little miss heaven on earth

Whoa, won't you walk this way but I see a red alert

Oh, my senses say keep away

So don't shoot!

#9 “Run Riot”

Garbage…Next song

#10 “Hysteria”

Oh can you feel it? Do you believe it? It’s such a magical mysteria. What’s that? Mysteria isn’t a word? According to Def Leppard it is, so who are you to challenge them? Fuck you

This is the best song on side B, and the only one to reach the charts (peaked at #10). I like this song, even though it’s so repetitive…It’s trying to do the same with ‘Hys-ter-ia-a-a-a’ that it did with ‘Rock-it!’, but it doesn’t quite work that way. You can’t scare the shit out of anyone by sneaking up on them and yelling ‘Hys-ter-i-a-a-a'

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Hysteria when you're near

Out of me, into you yeah

You could hide it's just a one way street

Oh, I believe I'm in you, yeah

Open wide, that's right, dream me off my feet

Oh, believe in me

Here’s the video:

Man, I really don’t get Leppard videos. The ballroom dancing in particular bothers me, because it makes me feel tingly down there. If you know what I mean. We’re almost done…

#11 “Excitable”

I’m starting to get tired of listening to this album. More garbage music where they pretty much shout random slogans to get you ‘excited’, get it? Excitable…excited…forget it…

#12 “Love and Affection”

The last song of the album! Woohoo! Side A was great, but side B has been a painful ride…This song is all about sex and sexual innuendos and more sex. In terms of music, I’ve already blocked it from my memory, so it can’t be that good.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

You got the fire, baby, I got the heat, can you handle it?

I got the time, baby, you got the need, oh surrender it

Oh, it's a passion crime with a danger sign, oh, can you handle it?

You're just another girl, I'm just another man, it's just another night

And there you have it, ‘Hysteria’ by Def Leppard, one of the greatest albums produced in the 1980s, summarized and analyzed for your reading pleasure. Hey, it could be worse, I could have sat you down and made you listen to it, or made you watch their videos. Wait. I did do that last one.

Nancy Cartwright out crazies Tom Cruise

Bart Simpson's voice is batshit crazy. Story here.

Nancy "Bart Simpson" Cartwright Gives $10 Million to Scientology

Actress Nancy Cartwright, the voice behind cartoon character Bart Simpson, has been awarded Scientology's Patron Laureate Award after donating $10 million to the faith in 2007. Cartwright's gift - almost two times her annual salary from The Simpsons - puts her top of a list of celebrity benefactors, who have handed over their hard-earned cash to the Church of Scientology. She gave even more than Tom Cruise - who is reported to be the controversial religion's second-in-command - who has donated $5 million in the last four years. According to Impact magazine, Kirstie Alley gave $5 million last year and has picked up the Diamond Meritorious Award. Fellow followers John Travolta and Kelly Preston gave $1 million each and were awarded the Gold Meritorious Award, while Priscilla Presley was handed the Patron Award for a donation of $50,000. The prizes were handed out at a top secret ceremony in Florida last summer, according to the American publication.

Emphasis ours.

Who else is surprised that Nancy Cartwright has that much money to piss away? How pissed off is Tom Cruise right now? Pretty pissed off we bet. Cartwright just bought her way to the front of the line when it comes time to board the mothership.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Razor Rant: 9 Bus Rules for Non-assholes.


Just like millions of people every day, I walk out my front door in the morning only to face the harsh reality that I am taking the bus to work. The Guess Who wrote a song about it, a fucking stupid song to be sure, but they nail situation right on the money.

Sure, I can say that my reasons for taking the bus are environmental and that I’m trying to save the planet and all that bullshit. To be honest, I’d take my car everyday, but I just can’t afford the parking and the stress of having to drive would kill me.

I didn’t always hate taking the bus, and in fact, I used to see it as a good stress-free way to get from point A to point B. I just didn’t factor in the other morons that need to take the bus too. It’s those morons that have ruined it for me, and probably a lot of other people too. I don’t even have to tell you who I’m talking about, if you have ever taken the bus then you know who I mean: people who have no concept of where they are and don’t care how their behaviour affects those around them. This is a lot like the grocery store people.

Here are a few basic rules that, if followed, would make public transportation bearable again:

1) One Person = One Seat – Public transportation isn’t necessarily meant to be comfortable. You paid what, $2-$3 for your ride? You can’t expect much for that price, so accept the fact that you need to share with others and don’t sprawl yourself out over two-three seats. Other people would like to sit too. Who the fuck do you think you are?! Just the other day, I saw 4 guys at the back of the bus occupy 11 seats! They were sprawled out in the same way you would in your own living room. Handy tip: the bus is not your house. While we’re on the subject of taking up sitting space…

2) Don’t Put Your Bag on the Seat – I don’t care how difficult a day your bag had, it wasn’t any harder than mine, and therefore I shouldn’t have to stand for 30 minutes while your books get a comfortable ride. You want to bring shit on the bus, put it on the ground in front of you or in your lap. I’m tired, I want to sit, which brings me to this…

3) If there’s a Seat Available, Sit your Ass Down – It drives me nuts when there are plenty of seats available but people insist on standing up and clogging up the aisle. Why won’t you sit down?! What are you afraid of? Was there ever a tuck-and-roll period of public transportation that I missed?

Rest assured, when you get to your stop, you’ll have plenty of time to get up from your seat and get off the bus. Just sit your ass down, it makes me nervous. Of course, the bus can sometimes be pretty full, which means that you have to stay standing, in which case…

4) Don’t Block the Doors – This is my #1 pet peeve on the bus, it drives me absolutely fucking nuts when people block the damn doors and put absolutely no effort in getting out of the way. I understand that someone has to stand in front of the door when the bus is at capacity, but if you’re that someone, be aware of the people around you and do everything you can to get out of the way. The best thing to do is to step off the bus for five seconds while you let people out and step back on. The bus driver is not going to take off while the door is open, so just step off, then step on….step off, step on…it’s that easy. While we’re on the subject of standing on the bus…

5) Hold on To Something – It’s simple physics…when the bus sets forth in motion, it sets you in motion…when the bus stops, you’re still in motion and if you’re not holding on to anything, you’re going to go flying. This might seem funny at first, but if you’re in the path of the 50 year old Italian woman who doesn’t have the presence of mind to brace herself, it’s going to get awkward. You see, she doesn’t want to fall, who can blame her, so she’ll grasp at everything and anything in order to stop her fall, and that anything could just be you. You should especially hold on to something if you have a backpack, which brings me to the following…

6) Take Off Your Backpack – There are three main reasons for this one, the first being the point above, the second being that you’re taking up unnecessary space and the third being that you’re going to nail someone in the head. If I have a backpack and I’m forced to stand up, I take it off and put it on the ground between my legs, it doesn’t get in anyone’s way and I don’t feel like a dickhead. Most importantly, if you keep your backpack on, chances are pretty good that you’re going to hit one of the people lucky enough to get a seat in the head…and that’s not cool. You may hate them because they’re sitting, but it’s not their fault, they're just following rule #3, so have enough presence of mind to ensure that you don’t nail anyone in the head. If you do hit someone, apologize, but make sure to follow the last rule…

7) Don’t Talk above the Noise – I’ll be straight with you: if I’m sitting across from you, I don’t care who you are or what you look like, I don’t give a shit about what you’re saying to your friend of to the other idiot on the other side of that conversation. I’m not asking you not to talk on the bus; I’m just asking that you monitor the volume because I don’t want to hear whatever fool thing you have to say. Chances are pretty good that you’re an idiot and what you say will anger me. Example, there was this one guy talking with his buddy and bragging about going to high school with…I don’t even remember the guy’s name…he was a quarterback for the Giants and he was on that ‘Bachelor’ show…his last name was Palmer…it doesn’t fucking matter, it was just one in a series of conversations I want erased from my memory.

8) Have your fare ready -- Except under exceptional circumstance (i.e. you had to run to catch the bus), you should never count out your bus fare on the bus. Sure, you may not know EXACTLY how much bus fare is....but you have a fucking idea. Have your goddamn change ready before the bus arrives. Better yet, buy bus tickets or a bus pass. You are not important enough to hold up a bus full of people that are anxious to get home. Sorry I had to burst your bubble there.

9) Move to the back of the bus-- People get on at the front of the bus. If you are clogging up the front, then life become difficult for everyone. Don't be douche.

If everyone follows these simple rules, trust me, people may actually start to enjoy taking the bus…this could be revolutionary…but it won’t.

Trailer Review: John Rambo

Awesome... - Watch more free videos

Saturday, January 19, 2008

A sensible person comments on 10 increasingly depraved sex acts, by Glenn


Normal people concern themselves with things that are mainstream. This is as true for news and entertainment as it is for sex. Consider, if you will, that here was a time when a 'blowjob' was one of the most intimate acts imaginable, and not something to talk about publicly.

Nowadays blowjobs are as common as
shaking hands, among teenagers and their role-models at least.

You see, sexual norms change all the time; Today's wanton act of depravity is tomorrow's good-night kiss. So I wondered, what does the future have in store? For your convenience, I have compiled a list of terms for sex acts that may become the next big thing, loosely ranking them according to their level of debauchery.

10. Facial
What it is: Easily the most mainstream sex act on this list, it is featured in virtually every porno available on the internet. Basically, 'facial' means the same thing as the common use of the word. It involves smearing a protein-heavy substance all over the face. Only with sex, the substance is baby-bater, and fair targets include the eyes and mouth.

My take: Ladies, nobody expects you to allow this. If you do, however, you have immediately identified yourself as marriage material. If you haven't gotten on board, then you had better soon. All those promiscuous teenagers (raised on internet porn) will soon be on the market for a man to settle down with.

9. Buckin Bronco

What it is: Fundamentally, Buckin Bronco may only be performed while engaging in doggy-style intercourse. From there, it is possible to get creative. All a guy has to do is say or do something vile enough for the woman he is having sex with to try to run away (e.g. say: I fucked your sister). The time between this reveal and the woman actually breaking free is measured, and taken to be analogous to riding bulls at the rodeo.

My take: The possibilities are endless, and range from the hilarious ('I fucked your sister'), the reprehensible ('I have AIDS'), to the cruel (picking up a fat chick, only to have your friends barge in during sex). I wouldn't dare try it myself, but clearly it is best practised with a chick that you never intend to have sex with again. Or one with a good sense of humour. Fellas, if you find one that puts up with this, she's a keeper.

8. Donkey punch
What it is: Inducing an involuntary contraction of the vagina and or anus via a solid punch or blow to the back of the head.

My take: The purpose here seems to be increasing penile stimulation when you are on the verge of ejaculation. Like so many other sexual acts in this list, it seems a little short-sighted. So you have a slightly better orgasm just PUNCHED YOUR PARTNER IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!

7. Rusty trombone
What it is: I always thought this meant having sex with a woman while she was on her rag. tells me that it is actually a combination of analingus and a handjob, because apparently getting your asshole eaten out (technical term: rimjob) isn't enough to get some people over their doldrums.

My take: Combined with 'salad tossing', which is analingus with syrup or whipped cream, it may be possible to convince somebody to do it for you, I suppose. You know, those people that eat all the time because it masks their deepest emotional scars?...fat chicks. Yeah. Fat chicks might do this for you. Otherwise, having never heard anyone of my acquaintances talk about this, I can only assume that the 'someone' who agrees to it will generally be of the crack-whore variety. That, or I need new, less stuck-up, friends.

6. Glass bottom boat
What it is: If you ever pressed your face against a window and made a funny face, then you get the general idea. Only replace the word 'face' with 'genitals' or 'a pile of feces' and the word window with 'glass table'.

My take: Safe. I will give it that. It has a bit of a voyeur thing going for it. The complete lack of contact makes me wonder whether this can be considered a sex act at all. I guess it is like a stip tease, only instead of teasing you take a shit, which, if you are still keeping score, is the exact opposite of is pretty much all out there on the line.

5. Cleveland Steamer
What it is: Straddling somebody, taking a dump, and then rocking back and forth, to smooth it out like peanut butter apparently.

My take: I guess there is the thrill of being naughty, and the warm stimulation. The earthy smells, and what not...who am I kidding? This has to be made-up for the interwebs.

4. Blumpkin
What it is: The receipt of fellatio while pinching a loaf.

My take: Few things in life are sweeter than a massive dump, but a blowjob might be one of them. I can't decide if combining the two would be a bad thing (combining gum and nuts) or a good thing (combining ice cream and chocolate syrup). The point is likely moot though, as it would take a special kind of woman to agree to such a thing *cough* Amy Winehouse *cough*

3. Dirty Sanchez
What it is: Having sex with a woman, only to jam your finger in her ass mid-coitus. The purpose of this anal invasion is not to stimulate an additional erogenous zone, as you might expect. Rather, it is to cover your finger in all-natural paint that might be smeared on your partner's upper-lip.

My take: This one leaves me puzzled. On the one hand, I can understand that some dudes might have a fetish for mustachio ladies, especially when their staches are of the bad Mexican variety. On the other hand, it involves rubbing shit on your partner's face. If only that could be done with some type of plastic covering, then I might be less disconcerted.

2. Hot Plate
What it is: Ugh. So, you take Saran wrap right. You put it on someone's face, presumably making sure the person can still breathe, and then take a crap on them.

My take: I suppose it is better than taking a dump directly on somebody else's face, easier to clean up and all that. Less risk of pink eye. More sanitary than a Dirty Sanchez. Cudos humanity for being so profoundly perverted, and being so sensible about it.

1. Strawberry Shortcake
What it is: A male ejaculating on someone's face only to punch them in the nose moments later. The mix of blood and semen on the face, apparently, resembles a strawberry shortcake pastry, or possibly the character.

My take: This is the kind of thing that could only develop within the context of anonymous gay sex. Heterosexual males work too hard to track down women willing to give (good) head. There is no reason to burn bridges with a punch to the nose. That's bad for business. If she's crazy enough to deserve a punch in the nose, then you have violated rule 3, whereby 'putting your dick in crazy' is prescribed. In other words, try punching yourself in the face.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

FYI: Tom Cruise (missing scenes)

All it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing. In this case, I, as a distractingly good-looking person in charge of a nothing blog, have decided that coasting on the bravery and talent of others is a good idea.

What has my tighty-whities in a bunch?

Micheal Swaim, of Cracked (as blogger and author of feature articles) and Thosearentmuskets! (as head writer of skits, actor, blogger) fame, posted the following video on youtube, only to have powerful forces take the thing down. It is presently hosted by For now.

Funny stuff. Keep fighting the good fight Mr. Swaim.

Setup: The Tom Cruise video was filmed for his acceptance of some kind of wacko Scientology award (about 4 years ago). The original had all kinds of 'jump cuts', which suggests that the Church of Scientology was attempting to hide the depths of Mr. Cruise's insanity. Swaim wondered, what would the video look like if Tom provided complete answers? Watch and find out.

SBF's Belated Top 10 Predictions for 2008

Tiger baby, man-up for christsakes.


10. Tired of being called out by his hot wife for playing a pussy sport, Tiger Woods quits the PGA and moves to Austria with the goal of dominating Aussie Rules Football, only to find he has made a terrible mistake when people stop goose-stepping, cower in their lederhosen, and start referring to him as die Schwartzfußballer.

9. Matt Damon voted People magazine's sexiest man alive two years in a row. However, the title is then revoked when it is discovered that lesbians, mistaking the star for Ellen Degeneres, stuffed the ballot box like the front row at an Ani Difranco concert.

8. Coach Belichick is caught for cheating once again. This time he is charged with transcribing plays from Madden NFL football, a Playstation 3 game. His continuous defense against the "triple-reverse hand-off" play proves futile.

Let's try the hail Mary again.

7. After defeating Barack Obama in the primaries, Hillary Clinton shocks the world by become the first female president of the United States. It is later revealed that the ballots contained errors and that the word 'Hillary' was replaced by the word 'Bill' and that 'Clinton' was replaced with 'Murray'.

6. Mattel signs a 55 million dollar contract with Me Likey De Led, a new Chinese manufacturing company. Mattel files for bankruptcy when it is later revealed that the Chinese company was not, in fact, named by an eccentric billionaire Led Zeppelin fan, but rather by an evil eccentric billionaire that hates children.

5. Jesus comes back to save humanity, but not before appearing on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, where they advise him to lose the beard, start moisturizing, and stop looking like such a crazy motherfucker.

Money changers? In my Dad's temple? The shit be on.

4. In a desperate attempt to find new sources of renewable energy, scientists build a contraption for converting hot air into electricity. The harnassing of Rush Limbaugh is immediate and savage.

Somtimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sometimes it is the result of a cock fetish. (pictured above: cock fetishist)

3. 'Duct Tape' voted best sex tape for 30th consecutive year by United Rapists of America.


2. Tom Cruise goes on Oprah to denounce the Led Zeppelin album 'Mothership' and supporting reunion tour as the work of Zenu, the evil intergallactic overlord. Young scientologists revel in this new "devil's music".

1. Family guy proves uncannily prescient in anticipating Brtiney's loss of her right foot to diabetes.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Razor's Retro Reviews: Beatles White Album side 4


Side Four

We’ve reached the end, and I’d like to say that it’s a good end, but to use cliched analogy, side 4 is to the White Album as Ringo is to the Beatles.

Revolution 1 (Lennon)

This is not the song you think it is; well, it is, but not the same version. Everyone knows the raucous distortion-filled song that makes you want to jump out and start kicking ass: that song is simply called ‘Revolution’ (notice the absence of the #1). Revoltion 1 is basically the same song, but on valium. Let me explain:

The initial version, the valium version, was suppose to be the B-side to the ‘Hey Jude’ single, but Paul, George and Ringo told John that it was too slow. It might have something to do John recording the vocals while lying on his back in the recording studio. Lennon was a bit irritated by this criticism (especially from Ringo I bet, the nerve of the guy), so he decided to make the song as ferocious as possible (possibly while imagining himself beating Ringo to death with a bong), and that’s the version most people know and love. In contrast, the slower version was renamed ‘Revolution 1’, and buried at the end of the white album. It is the Courtney Love to 'Revolution''s Kurt Cobain.

Interestingly, Lennon says ‘in’ at the end of the ‘when you talk about destruction don’t you know that you can count me out’…so I guess he was undecided at the time. Check it out at about the 0:50 mark of this clip:

Honey Pie (McCartney)

This song is not related anyway to the weird ‘Wild Honey Pie’ from side 1. It has a vaudevillian sound to it, which is par for the course in this clusterfuck of an album. Within this context (and in any other), it’s a completely forgettable song.

Savoy Truffle (Harrison)

Not to be confused with the truffle shuffle, see here:

Harrison wrote this song simply by looking at the different types of truffles on a box of chocolate he had in front of him. I don’t know if that’s genius or just plain stupid. Genius would have been waiting a decade or so and basing the song on the Goonies (above). Apparently, he wrote it as a tribute to his good pal (and future wife-stealer) Eric Clapton's addiction to chocolate. It’s a catchy tune, but once again, forgettable, which is not surprising given the innanity of the song's premise.

I’d like to say that this is the weirdest song on the album, but it isn't even close. We’ve yet to reach the limits of this album's fucked-upedness.

Cry Baby Cry (Lennon)

This was written by Lennon as a sort of nursery rhyme, albeit a really dark one. Instead of soothing the baby, he wants it to cry. Of this song, Lennon said, ‘a piece of rubbish’. That’s a little harsh, especially when it happens to be on the same side as a song that really is a piece of rubbish, but clearly it isn’t one of his best efforts.

You’ll be surprised to find a completely unrelated short song by McCartney tacked on at the end, which is usually known as ‘Can You Take Me Back’. People often confuse it as being the beginning of the next, ahem, song…

Revolution #9 (Lennon)

This is fucked up, pure and simple. Lennon let Yoko Ono’s ‘avant garde’ style influence him and the end result is a hodge-podge of random noises and voices. Avant Garde refers to styles that challenge the norm and are innovative and experimental.

The track begins with Lennon repeatedly saying ‘Number 9, Number 9, Number 9…’. For all you Simpson fans out there, you certainly recall their take on it when Barney was paired with a Japanese conceptual artist and they hammered out the song ‘Number 8, *barney belch*, Number 8…’ (B-Sharps episode).

When you first start listening to it, you sort of expect it to break out into a real song at any moment. But, there will come a point where you realize that it will just keep going; it is at this point that you just stop and say to yourself, ‘What the fuck is going on?’

This track has been analyzed to death, but I won’t offer a detailed analysis because it’s crap. McCartney fought hard to keep this off the album, but Lennon won in the end.

There are a few interesting facts about this song that I would like to point out:

a) The track samples ‘A Day in the Life’ at some point, and it’s probably the first known use of the ‘sampling’ technique, which has been used over and over again by the rap world. Man, is there anything in music that the Beatles didn’t try first? The implication: the Beatles are to blame for P diddy and Vanilla Ice. Somebody had to say it.

b) Vincent Bugliosi, the attorney who successfully prosecuted Charles Manson, theorized that Manson believed that the song made reference to ‘Revelations 9’ of the Bible, which speaks of Armeggedon and the battle to end all battles. I find that verse #4 backs up this theory pretty well: They were told that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree, but only those people who don't have God's seal on their foreheads.

Ummm…probably not the right symbol…

Here’s the ‘song’:

Good Night (Lennon)

And so we’ve reached the end, with a song appropriately titled, ‘Good Night’. Actually, considering how this album has been, it seems a rather inappropriate end to this album. Although written by John Lennon, it is sung by Ringo Starr and backed up by a 26-piece orchestra. How nice of John to throw Ringo a bone. It was written by John as a lullaby for his son Julien and it has the desired effect of putting you to sleep, which is probably a good thing following Revolution #9. THAT shit will keep you awake at night.

Here’s a Ringo Starr tribute accompanied by the song:
And there you have it, side 4 of the Beatles’ White Album, a less than glamorous way to end an all together fantastic album.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Kris' Rant: The 7 ATM (bankmachine) protocols

Automated Tellers, not the porno related ATM, you dirty freak


I find myself boiling into a rage everytime that I go to use an ATM. I just want to pull out 20$ in the next 30 seconds. Is that too much to ask for?

The following are simple guidelines to ensure fast and irritation-free access to our money:

1) Know where to stand - Hey jackass, I can feel you breathe down my neck, and that better be a roll of quarters in your pocket. Unless the ATM is in a 3x3 foot room, you shouldn't be standing so close to me. Not without paying me first. Luckily for you, there's a cash machine right here. I'll let you breathe on me for 10 bucks, grind against me for 20, and it's 50 bucks for the "around the world". Standing 20 feet away doesn't help either. How am I supposed to know that you are waiting in line? From where I'm standing, you look like some creep that stares at people's asses all day long. Here's a tip: the perfect distance is 5 feet away.

2) Don't pay your bills - So you set up your account so that you can pay your bills at the machine? If you are able to do that, then you obviously have the knowledge to set up internet banking. Are you trying to hide the fact that you spent 400$ on porno last month from your wife? Move your ass out of my way, I have my own porno to buy, and cash leaves no paper trail.

3) Don't transfer money into several accounts - Look at Bill Gates over here with all his financial wheeling and dealing. Only, if you were actually Bill Gates, you would know that time is money, and in this case you are wasting your own and, more importantly, mine. Fuck you you inconsiderate bastard. Don't you know who I am? Go see a bank teller for that shit. It helps restore the self-confidence that their solid weekend of training has only served to undermine.

4) Don't be an old person - Are you old and want to use the ATM? Don't bother. Technology frightens you, and if the ATM had feelings, it would feel the same towards you. Oh, I have no doubt that you would figure it out eventually. It is just that watching you try is more frustrating than entertaining. Let the good people behind the desk help you.

"Too many buttons!"

5) Updating your passbook - If you recently found your old checking book under the couch covered in what used to be Doritoes, please burn it. You went on this long without updating it, what's another 6 months? Besides, you can turn the mystery into a fun game. My favorite game:"Do I have enough money to eat this week?" I win more than 50% of the time.

6) Stop looking behind you - Seriously, don't look back at me every ten seconds to glare at me because you're a paranoid fuck, I'm not going to rob you. Well, I wasn't going to rob you, but you have to be paranoid about something. I wonder how much cash you have in there...fuck it, I'm robbing you.

7) When you're done - Please step to the side. Don't stand there like a fucking moron looking at your receipt or start counting your money. People need to use the machine too you know. What exactly are you looking for anyway? Did you already forget how much money you pulled out? Check the other hand stupid. But Kris, maybe the ATM made an error; I don't want to lose my place in line! Even if you find a mistake, what the fuck do you want the ATM to do? Take your complaint? Unless they hired the guy that played R2D2 to live inside the machine, this isn't going to happen.

Just shout into the card reader. Kenny Baker would be more than happy to take your complaint

Monday, January 7, 2008

Razor Rant: 9 Most Irritating Things to Avoid Doing While Grocery Shopping

The store-security fashionistas took a dim view of his denim on denim faux-pas.


It never ceases to amaze me how completely unaware some people are of their surroundings, especially...ESPECIALLY in grocery stores. They walk in there and wander around as though they own the place, completely oblivious to the fact that they just cut off that renegade shopper in the discount produce aisle, and that he's just about ready to snap (i.e. - me).

I hate grocery shopping.

Here are few basic rules that everyone should follow when grocery shopping:

1) Have a game plan - Make a list, discuss whatever it is you need to discuss before entering the store, and stick to the plan once you get started. Don't park yourself across an aisle so you can fight with your wife about what kind of fabric softener gives you a rash and which one doesn't. This is the kind of shit you talk about at home.

2) Be aware of the people around you - If I've been standing beside you for the last two minutes, it's not because I'm anxiously awaiting your next move, it's because you're in my way...get out of my fucking way.

Yeah, I'm blocking the aisle a little, but look at that twit behind me.

3) Shopping carts are like cars - There will be traffic in both directions of an aisle, in order to prevent chaos, don't walk down the fucking middle, don't swerve from one side to the other, just pretend that you're driving your car. Better yet, pretend like you have half a brain.

4) Leave all unnecessary family members at home - This might sound cold, or even impossible if you're a single parent, but if you have a family member that doesn't need to be there, doesn't fit in the shopping cart, that's too weak to carry anything or doesn't get to participate in any of the decision making (which should have been done before entering the store anyway), then leave them behind, they're useless to the operation.

Otherwise, they'll just end up getting in someone else's way or you'll end up abandoning your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go off chasing after them. Leaving them at home will also avoid those mortifying public displays of assholery.

5) Give me room at the cash register - Standing as close to me as humanly possible while waiting in line isn't going to make the line go faster, so give me some fucking room. If you bump my leg one more time, I swear to god.

Also, giving me or the cashier dirty looks will also not make things go faster, so just chill, entertain yourself with the crazy tabloid headlines. I hear Britney Spears gave birth to an alien baby, possibly Charles Manson's.

6) Once at the cash register, stay at the cash register - If your husband doesn't have the power to make executive decisions at the cash register while you're browsing at the make-up counter, then don't go to the fucking make-up counter, because something will go wrong and your tool of a husband whom you've castrated long ago will have to go running after you, leaving the rest of us in line, those of us with our balls dangling safely between our legs on not strewn carelessly inside a mason jar under the sink, fuming. *Editor note: Razor's balls are too big to fit an a mason jar, otherwise that's where they would be.

7) Leave the cashiers alone - That's an obvious one. Whatever your problem is, unless it is related to some cashier related issue (e.g. incorrect change), it's not the cashier's fault. You have two options: either be a jackass and yell at them as if they deserve it (not recommended) or calmly explain to them what your problem is and chances are that they'll be glad to help.

8) The girl guides at the exit selling cookies are lying bitches - On my way out this cutie comes up to me and says, "Do you want to buy some cookies mister? They're just a dollar."

How can I refuse that? So I go over to the adults that are actually selling the cookie to buy two boxes, I give her a ten and I get a $2 back. "How much are the cookies?" "$4" I think to myself, "You little..." I should have kicked her ass just like Peter Griffin kicked the ass of that chicken who gave him a bad coupon, but I let it go, that little punk is going to get hers in hell...

9) Paying with exact change - I have no problem with it. We all want to get rid of our crappy pennies. What I do have a problem with is if you take over a minute trying to find that extra penny you have stashed away in one of your pockets. Go crazy and 'break' one of your precious nickels and get the fuck out. If nothing else, it will get you back to your hobby, returning old bottles for cash, a lot quicker. That's not your hobby you say? Then why do you care about that fucking penny so much!?

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Razor's Retro Reviews: Beatles White Album (Side 3)


1. Birthday (McCartney)

Another McCartney creation, could this song be any catchier? No, it cannot.

Among other things, it allows the Beatles to re-visit their roots, churning out a shallow pop song that means absolutely nothing. I’ll tell you this: it sure as hell beats the original ‘Happy Birthday’ song…man that song sucks. Well, the Marilyn Monroe version is ok.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President.

At any rate, it’s a great way to kick-off side 3 of the album or, as any radio DJ will tell you, a list of celebrity birthday announcements. Further, it is definitely a nice change of pace from the infinitely more lugubrious side 2.

Oddly, the Beatles’ wives/mistresses sing back-up on this one, proving once again that behind every great man is a stubborn harpy that won't mind her own business.

Here’s the mandatory clip:

Well, it is more 'words scrolling up the screen' than a clip really.

2. Yer Blues (Lennon)

Now it’s Lennon's turn to show off his blues chops, and yeah, his chops are better than McCartney's. He makes up for his lacklustre performance on side 2 with this return to form.

Actually, you know all that stuff I said about side 3 being lighter material? I lied. The first words of the second song:

I’m lonely/ I want to die

Careful what you wish for John.

Seriously, this song kicks ass. I love the reference to Bob Dylan’sBallad of a Thin Man’ with the lyrics,

I feel so suicidal/ Just like dear Mr. Jones

I found this awesome clip from a movie the Rolling Stones did called ‘The Rolling Stones Rock and Roll Circus’ where Lennon sings this song with Eric Clapton and Keith Richards. Don’t feel obligated to watch the awkward exchange between Lennon and Jagger at the start, just do it:
*Editors Note: Some bitchy company asked that the embedding of the clip be disabled.

3. Mother Nature’s Son (McCartney)

Alright, so far on this album, we have an upbeat pop song followed by a suicidal blues number, so of course, you need to follow that up with…a folk ballad? Sure, let’s go with that. This is a very simple song that Paul wrote and performed without the other Beatles.

It’s a good song, but completely forgettable.

4. Every Body’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey (Lennon)

This is the longest title in the Beatles catalogue, and it continues the ‘what the hell is going on?’ trend that side 3 seems to be establishing. It’s great though, I love jumping from one genre to the next on an album, I’ve never seen it done like this before, each song is just so much very different than the last.

This would be lumped under ‘Hard Rock’ and its Lennon’s way of telling the world that his affair with Yoko Ono isn’t the big secret everybody made it out to be. In that case, you’d probably assume that the monkey in the title is Yoko Ono. Does this make sense? It does to me. Have you seen what the woman looks like?

See. I told you. Yoko is the monkey. In reality, no one really knows where Lennon came up with the ‘and my Monkey’ part of the title (the rest of the title is attributed to the Maharishi), so you might as well believe me.

If you ever find yourself on trial for something, I’d recommend shouting 'and my monkey' at the top of your lungs. The judge will be moved, he really will…oh, and it’s a great song, very energetic.

Here’s an awesome clip:

5. Sexy Sadie (Lennon)

Two Lennon songs in a row? Excellent. This is a good one, a scathing critique of his beloved Indian Guru, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. I’ve mentioned the Maharishi many times to this point, and assumed that everyone knew who he was (still is). For you ignorant swine out there, he’s basically a meditation guru and is known largely for developping the transcendental technique.

I’ve never tried it, but I’d like to think that it looks like this:

Relations between the Beatles and the Maharishi broke off after Lennon ‘allegedly’ caught the Maharishi making a pass on a female member of his entourage. I’d like to emphasize the word ‘allegedly’ because the Beatles renamed the song from ‘Maharishi’ for fear of being sued by him. Not only can this guy transcend several levels of consciousness, he also has an in-depth knowledge of international law. Anyways, this pissed off John which drove him to write this song in order to call out the Maharishi on his ‘alleged’ hypocrisy.

Thus, I reveal to you that John Lennon was a huge cock block, because really, who fucking cares? So the Maharishi is human. Douches don't belong on pedestals John, you do.

Here’s a good clip for the song, the guy with the funky beard is Maharishi:

6. Helter Skelter (McCartney)

This song has been called many things: revolutionary, apocalyptic, raucous and fierce, just to name a few. Helter Skelter is often credited as being the first ever ‘Heavy Metal’ song.

It’s pretty tame by today’s standards, but back in 1969, this was very heavy shit. McCartney, once again, wanted to prove to everyone that he didn’t only write ballads…point well taken.

This is a fucking awesome song, but I don’t understand McCartney’s inspiration for it. To find out, I thought I'd start by figuring out what the fuck Helter Skelter means.

The first three lines of the song describe it well:

When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and
I turn and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again.

That’s right, it’s a fucking amusement park slide, and it looks like this:

OK, now we know what it means, who wants to volunteer to tell Charles Manson? Anyone? This was the key song that Mr. Manson mis-interpreted as a calling for everyone to prepare for the Armaggedon. Close but no cigar…

The song ends with Ringo yelling ‘I’ve got blisters on my fingers!’ at the top of his lungs, probably the single greatest contribution by Ringo Starr. If you’re a fan of ‘Family Guy’, then you certainly recall Stewie Griffin shouting the same after strumming his banjo.

Here’s a fan vid with random images accompanying the song:

Here’s a slowed down version of Helter Skelter with Charles Mason’s voice dubbed over (saying the actual lyrics); it’s more than a little creepy:

7. Long Long Long (Harrison)

This calm and serene Harrison ballad perfectly juxtaposes the madness that was Helter Skelter.

Didn't I tell ya man? That Spears bitch is crazy.

It is the last song on this side and provides the perfect denoument to an album side that just about takes you everywhere.

As a stand alone song, it’s not very special, but it’s nice and relaxing. Harrison did a good job here, certainly better than what he gave us on side 2.

FYI: The strange rattling at the end of the song is the sound of a wine bottle rattling on top of a speaker. The bottle would rattle if Paul hit a certain note on his organ and the band liked the effect. What's that? You want a source for that little tidbit? Go fuck yourself, Martha.

Here’s a nice Harrison tribute:

Final Thoughts
And that’s the end of side 3, a very unusual album side with respect to the flow of the music, but there were no absolutely strange songs to compare with those on the first two sides, or even on side 4, which I will review later. Overall, I’d consider this to be as strong as side 1, if not stronger. As for side 4…yikes…

Retro Review: Strange Days (The Doors, 1967), by Glenn


Just another day at the office for Oscar 'little guy' McDignity

Finally, an unbiased review of a Doors album. That's what you are thinking. I don't want to disappoint you, man, but I must.

The Doors are awesome and their album Strange Days is a swollen abcess of awesome, which is best introduced by making you watch a fan vid presenting KITH alumnist Bruce McCulloch's monologue/song 'Doors'.

Now that clip suggests that my post should have been a review of Waiting for the Sun, the departure point. I disagree. What could I say that Brucio hasn't already? If Waiting for the Sun is the departure point, then Strange Days is that eerie and creepy place you visited along the way, but couldn't wait to leave. Sort of like going down on a girl for the first time.
It reached number 3 in the billboard charts (with two top 30 hits, i.e. People are Strange and Love me Two Times), is a certified platinum record, and was ranked 407 in Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Albums of All Time.

Why would I skip over the top 406 to focus on this one? Producer Paul Rothchild is quoted as saying "We all thought it was the best album. Significantly, it was also the one with the weakest sales." As Krusty would say, the music world is about business and not about art. Random internet bloggers? We are about art. And dick jokes. But mostly about art. Thus, this post is about championing an underated album from the greatest band of all time.

Prepare for your Doors education, all you non-Doors fan non-believers. You best hang on to your beavers, or whatever animal best symbolizes your homeland, a sterile bald eagle for example. See where I went with that? Not what you thought. Dirty bird.

The Doors comprise:

Jim Morrison on vocals (his lyrics are legitimate mediocre poetry, most of the time)

Ray Manzarek on Keyboards and marimba

Bobby Krieger on guitar

John Densmore on drums

Val Kilmer on ham

Notice anything remarkable in the above listing? No bass! That's right, no motherfucking bass player! Don't let that scare you. Let it free you! Let it LIBERATE you!

Well, not exactly, apparently Douglas Lubahn plays bass on 'You're a lost little girl' and 'My eyes have seen you'. You can almost taste the liberty just the same. It tastes like basil actually, which is an odd observation for me to make, because I don't know what basil tastes like.

So here is my review of the album, adorned with whatever I could find on google.

Song 1. Strange Days

It starts off with the song 'Strange days', which captures and defines the spirit of the album. It begins quite soft and slow and atmospherically, building up to an energetic and soulful finish. While it sometimes finds its way onto 'best of' albums, its true place is at the start of this album.

The song:

Song 2. You're a lost little girl

Dude, I totally sharted.

'You're a lost little girl': A sweet and relaxing song that must make feminists writhe on their double ended dildoes.

Song 3. Love me two times

This is the first bluesy song on the album, and it is a genre that Jim's voice is well suited for. It is one of their more well known songs so I won't go into detail. I think it is about a woman's unlimited capacity for orgasm, and man's upper limit of two, give or take.

The song:

Song 4. Unhappy girl

She was a happy girl when she met me, I swear

Do you see a theme? Jim can seem like a lovesick teenager sometimes. I think there is a part of us all that never outgrows that, our cocks.

Don't miss your chance to swim in mystery/

you are dying/

in a prison/

of your/

own devise

Song 5. Horse Latitudes

Horse Latitudes have something to do with this picture.

Jim reads a monologue/poem that is fantastic. It is set to 'music' but I should warn you that it is a little fucked up. And by 'a little', I mean 'mind-blowingly gigantically'. This song anticipates the poetry stuff that Jim will realease later, meeting America's demand for inscrutable nonsense.

When the still sea conspires an armor/

And her sullen and aborted currents breed
tiny monsters/

True sailing is dead

Song 6. Moonlight drive
Again, another kind of bluesy song. It is a fusion of blues and lounge music, which comes off rather well in my estimation. One of the first song written by Jim Morrison for the Doors, it was finally released on this album.

Let's swim to the moon/

Let's climb through the tide/

Penetrate the evening/

that the city sleeps to hide.

Song 7. People are strange
Another 'best of' favorite, and restatement of the blatantly obvious.

Women seem wicked/

when you're unwanted

The song:

Song 8. My eyes have seen you
One of my favorite up-tempo doors songs. You may not know about it, which makes it more interesting.

My eyes have seen you/

Free from disguise/

gazing on a city under/

television skies/

My eyes have seen you/

Let them photograph your soul/

Memorize your alleys/

on an endless roll

The song:

Song 9. I can't see your face in my mind
Blatantly "loungy", but I consider it one of their best songs.

I can't seem to find the right lie/

Insanity's horse/

Adorns the sky/

Can't seem to find the right lie./

Carnival dogs/

consume the lines/

can't see your face, in my mind.

Song 10. When the music's over

Witty, no?

Sometimes, it is the last song on 'best of' albums. What a delicious pun! Well, it is the last song on this album too so, I guess that's ok.

This is one of the more blatantly political doors songs, and it will fill your heart with...well, I will call it inspiration.

Cancel my subscription to the, resurection/ Send my credentials to the, house of detention/ I got some friends inside/The face in the mirror won't stop,/The girl in the window won't drop,/A feast of friends -/'Alive!' she cried,/Waiting for me, Outside!/Before I sink/Into the big sleep/I want to hear/the scream of the butterfly.(...)/What have they done to the earth?/What have they done to our fair sister?/Ravaged and pludered/and ripped her and bit
her/stuck her with knives/in the side of the dawn/and tied her with fences/and dragged her down.I hear a very gentle sound.With your ear down to the ground-/We want the world and we want it/NOW!

The song:

Final Thoughts
So we've now driven through Crazy-town, and the next stop is the departure point, 1968's Waiting for the Sun. If you aren't a Doors fan by now, then you have failed. Get out of my sight!

Recommendation: Buy the album! It probably costs less than 10 bucks. In my opinion, it is the third best Doors album, or maybe the fourth. That said, it is much better than most of that rap crap that the kids listen to. How do I know? Jim fucking Morrison told me. Professional reviewers agree.