9 Fatwa We Can Get Behind, for Cracked.com

It is kind of weird that my first post on SBF is about something that I wrote for another website. As I used to say during my time working in a leper colony, tough titties. I wrote an article for Cracked.com called 9 Islamic Fatwa We Can Get Behind.

The premise behind the article is that for all the negative attention Islam receives in the Western media, there are some interesting things going on there. It is Cracked.com, of course, so I tried to make in humorous. In my mind though, the joke is really about what American society would consider cool as opposed to making fun of Muslims.

For your amusement, here is an item that was cut out of the final article, for some reason:

THOU SHOULD KNOWEST Masturbation is not preferred
http://www.islamtoday.net/english/show_detail_section.cfm?q_id=628&main_cat_id=33
The fatwa
Sheikh Salman al-Oadah says, “(…) [M]asturbation is something that is not preferred. In case of a dire need, it becomes lawful, but resorting to it excessively can result in serious problems.” Tell us about it. Most people consider chaffing to be at most a minor irritant, but we have to side with the Sheikh on this one.

Why it should apply to us
Masturbation is more problematic than one might think as working up the courage to talk to girls requires a powerful motivator: horniness. According to the guys back in the lab, lack of horniness is the number one cause of abstinence. We will concede that watching porn and masturbating all day might seem like a good idea or at least a seductive one, but it won’t help you get laid, especially if all you do is stay at home organizing your lubricant bottles by flavor and viscosity.

More generally, it cuts down your productivity, which could be costing you success and money, two things that are strongly correlated with access to mommy parts. Thus, let us prevent legions of innocents from degenerating into pasty-skinned perverts by adopting the fatwa. Masturbation should be a last resort, and not the impromptu vacation resort that will cost you your job if you ever get caught.

8 No-Fuss Computer Pranks at the Office

Do your friends and/or colleagues at work annoy you sometimes? Ever wish that you could annoy them back and maybe amuse yourself at the same time? You are in luck.

In this article, I will give you a few ideas for pranks, and explain how to pull them off. Most of these can be accomplished in under a few minutes, and they work best if the person that you are pranking isn't very handy with computers (obviously).

Enjoy.

*Disclaimer* These steps are for Windows XP. It should work with other Windows versions but it might change the wording slightly. I am too lazy to verify each version.

Prank 1: The Undeletable Embarrassing Folder

Description: You create a folder with an embarrassing name on the desktop and the user is unable to delete the folder. You'll understand once I explain it to you. When you are done, you sit back and watch your co-worker sweat it out.

Step by Step (oo, baby!):

1. Minimize all currently opened applications so that you can only see the user's desktop.

2. Create a new folder and name it something embarassing. Ex: Gay Porn, My Nude Photos, Granny Sex etc Place it somewhere on the desktop where it stands out (i.e. so that it is not surrounded by other folders).

3. Move the cursor to the bottom right of the screen so that it is no longer visible.

4. Press the "Prnt Scrn" button on the keyboard to take a screenshot

5. Click Start - Run - Type "mspaint" and press enter.

6. Press Ctrl+V to paste the screenshot into MS Paint.

7. Save the file anywhere but on the desktop.

8. Click on File - Set As Background (Centered). Close MSPaint

Prank 2: Hidding Desktop Icons

Description: This prank simply hides all desktop icons. It is very easy to do and works best on those that are not computer savvy.

Step by Step (Gonna get to you, gurl!):

1. Right click on the desktop where there isn't an icon.

2. Expand the Arrange Icons By menu

3. Remove the checkmark from Show Desktop Icons. To bring them back you can simply follow the same steps as above but add the checkmark on Show Desktop Icons instead of removing it.

Prank 3: Scrolling text screensaver.

Description: Windows has a screensaver that can scroll text across the screen. You can use this text for embarassing messages while the person is away from their computer for lunch etc. This one is especially good because they will be mortified by the fact they were unable to do anything about it for such a long time.

Step by Step (we can have lots of fun):

1. Right click on the desktop, click on properties.

2. Click the Screensaver tab, click the screensaver dropdown menu and select Marquee.

3. Click on settings. Here you can change the text, background color, speed, font size/color etc.

4. Set the screensaver Wait: time to 10 minutes at least. The reason for this is if you put it to less than 10 minutes the person might just be idled at their computer for 10 minutes and see the screensaver. The point is for others to read it after he or she has left.

Prank 4 & 5: Mouse trouble!

Description: A couple of things you can do to make people think their mouse no longer works, depending on the type of mouse involved.

A) Optical mouse (the one with the red light under it)

Step by Step (There's so much we can do):

1. Place a piece of tape over the red light located under the mouse. The mouse will no longer work until he removes the tape. Sticky/Post-it notes work as well just make sure they are not wider than the mouse.

B) Ball Mouse?!

1. You can remove the ball from the mouse by twisting off the bottom of the mouse. This does not work as well because the prankee may detect the change in weight. Luckily, some people are stupid enough to fall for this. Good luck.

Prank 6: That's not my homepage!!

Description: Set the default Internet Explorer homepage to an embarassing website.

Step by Step (It's just you and me):

1. Open up Internet Explorer (close the 50 thousand pop-ups and spyware windows).

2. Click on Tools - Internet Options.

3. In the Homepage window type in whichever webpage you want to appear when they open IE. So http://www.barbie.com/, goatse, http://www.rotten.com/ etc.

4. Close IE

Prank 7: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?

*note* This may or may not work depending on the phone setups. If you work for a large enough company, you might have digital phonelines that involve communication with a central hub. In this is the case, then the prank will work. I basically found this out accidently when pulling this prank on a friend once. Sorry Mike! I suggest doing this one on people you don't like.

Description: Unplug someone's phone causing it to not work and need to be reconfigured, which can be a lengthy process in large companies. You should really hate the person that you do this to.

Step by Step (Huh):
1. Unplug the person's phone from the phone jack usually located on the floor. It could be a small box or plugged into your beautiful cubicle wall.

2. Apparently, if the phone is unplugged long enough it will fail an echo test that is performedon phones now and then to see if they are still there. If the phone is not connected, it will get removed from the system. To fix the problem, you co-worker would have to call whoever is in charge of phones and have them re-enable it. Depending on the size of the business, this could take a few hours or 8 years!

Prank 8: Mah keyboard is messed up!

Description: Switching around certain keys on the keyboard. This works well on people that look at their keyboard while typing. For everyone else, the trick may never be noticed.

Step by Step:
1. Get a prying type object. A pen will do.

2. I suggest switching the following keys I-O , N-M and perhaps even E-R. In my experience most people do not realize right away that the keys are switched when doing those keys.

3. Put the prying object under a key on the keyboard and pop it out. Don't worry they are meant to be able to be removed for cleaning purposes.