9 Fatwa We Can Get Behind, for Cracked.com

It is kind of weird that my first post on SBF is about something that I wrote for another website. As I used to say during my time working in a leper colony, tough titties. I wrote an article for Cracked.com called 9 Islamic Fatwa We Can Get Behind.

The premise behind the article is that for all the negative attention Islam receives in the Western media, there are some interesting things going on there. It is Cracked.com, of course, so I tried to make in humorous. In my mind though, the joke is really about what American society would consider cool as opposed to making fun of Muslims.

For your amusement, here is an item that was cut out of the final article, for some reason:

THOU SHOULD KNOWEST Masturbation is not preferred
http://www.islamtoday.net/english/show_detail_section.cfm?q_id=628&main_cat_id=33
The fatwa
Sheikh Salman al-Oadah says, “(…) [M]asturbation is something that is not preferred. In case of a dire need, it becomes lawful, but resorting to it excessively can result in serious problems.” Tell us about it. Most people consider chaffing to be at most a minor irritant, but we have to side with the Sheikh on this one.

Why it should apply to us
Masturbation is more problematic than one might think as working up the courage to talk to girls requires a powerful motivator: horniness. According to the guys back in the lab, lack of horniness is the number one cause of abstinence. We will concede that watching porn and masturbating all day might seem like a good idea or at least a seductive one, but it won’t help you get laid, especially if all you do is stay at home organizing your lubricant bottles by flavor and viscosity.

More generally, it cuts down your productivity, which could be costing you success and money, two things that are strongly correlated with access to mommy parts. Thus, let us prevent legions of innocents from degenerating into pasty-skinned perverts by adopting the fatwa. Masturbation should be a last resort, and not the impromptu vacation resort that will cost you your job if you ever get caught.

8 No-Fuss Computer Pranks at the Office

Do your friends and/or colleagues at work annoy you sometimes? Ever wish that you could annoy them back and maybe amuse yourself at the same time? You are in luck.

In this article, I will give you a few ideas for pranks, and explain how to pull them off. Most of these can be accomplished in under a few minutes, and they work best if the person that you are pranking isn't very handy with computers (obviously).

Enjoy.

*Disclaimer* These steps are for Windows XP. It should work with other Windows versions but it might change the wording slightly. I am too lazy to verify each version.

Prank 1: The Undeletable Embarrassing Folder

Description: You create a folder with an embarrassing name on the desktop and the user is unable to delete the folder. You'll understand once I explain it to you. When you are done, you sit back and watch your co-worker sweat it out.

Step by Step (oo, baby!):

1. Minimize all currently opened applications so that you can only see the user's desktop.

2. Create a new folder and name it something embarassing. Ex: Gay Porn, My Nude Photos, Granny Sex etc Place it somewhere on the desktop where it stands out (i.e. so that it is not surrounded by other folders).

3. Move the cursor to the bottom right of the screen so that it is no longer visible.

4. Press the "Prnt Scrn" button on the keyboard to take a screenshot

5. Click Start - Run - Type "mspaint" and press enter.

6. Press Ctrl+V to paste the screenshot into MS Paint.

7. Save the file anywhere but on the desktop.

8. Click on File - Set As Background (Centered). Close MSPaint

Prank 2: Hidding Desktop Icons

Description: This prank simply hides all desktop icons. It is very easy to do and works best on those that are not computer savvy.

Step by Step (Gonna get to you, gurl!):

1. Right click on the desktop where there isn't an icon.

2. Expand the Arrange Icons By menu

3. Remove the checkmark from Show Desktop Icons. To bring them back you can simply follow the same steps as above but add the checkmark on Show Desktop Icons instead of removing it.

Prank 3: Scrolling text screensaver.

Description: Windows has a screensaver that can scroll text across the screen. You can use this text for embarassing messages while the person is away from their computer for lunch etc. This one is especially good because they will be mortified by the fact they were unable to do anything about it for such a long time.

Step by Step (we can have lots of fun):

1. Right click on the desktop, click on properties.

2. Click the Screensaver tab, click the screensaver dropdown menu and select Marquee.

3. Click on settings. Here you can change the text, background color, speed, font size/color etc.

4. Set the screensaver Wait: time to 10 minutes at least. The reason for this is if you put it to less than 10 minutes the person might just be idled at their computer for 10 minutes and see the screensaver. The point is for others to read it after he or she has left.

Prank 4 & 5: Mouse trouble!

Description: A couple of things you can do to make people think their mouse no longer works, depending on the type of mouse involved.

A) Optical mouse (the one with the red light under it)

Step by Step (There's so much we can do):

1. Place a piece of tape over the red light located under the mouse. The mouse will no longer work until he removes the tape. Sticky/Post-it notes work as well just make sure they are not wider than the mouse.

B) Ball Mouse?!

1. You can remove the ball from the mouse by twisting off the bottom of the mouse. This does not work as well because the prankee may detect the change in weight. Luckily, some people are stupid enough to fall for this. Good luck.

Prank 6: That's not my homepage!!

Description: Set the default Internet Explorer homepage to an embarassing website.

Step by Step (It's just you and me):

1. Open up Internet Explorer (close the 50 thousand pop-ups and spyware windows).

2. Click on Tools - Internet Options.

3. In the Homepage window type in whichever webpage you want to appear when they open IE. So http://www.barbie.com/, goatse, http://www.rotten.com/ etc.

4. Close IE

Prank 7: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now?

*note* This may or may not work depending on the phone setups. If you work for a large enough company, you might have digital phonelines that involve communication with a central hub. In this is the case, then the prank will work. I basically found this out accidently when pulling this prank on a friend once. Sorry Mike! I suggest doing this one on people you don't like.

Description: Unplug someone's phone causing it to not work and need to be reconfigured, which can be a lengthy process in large companies. You should really hate the person that you do this to.

Step by Step (Huh):
1. Unplug the person's phone from the phone jack usually located on the floor. It could be a small box or plugged into your beautiful cubicle wall.

2. Apparently, if the phone is unplugged long enough it will fail an echo test that is performedon phones now and then to see if they are still there. If the phone is not connected, it will get removed from the system. To fix the problem, you co-worker would have to call whoever is in charge of phones and have them re-enable it. Depending on the size of the business, this could take a few hours or 8 years!

Prank 8: Mah keyboard is messed up!

Description: Switching around certain keys on the keyboard. This works well on people that look at their keyboard while typing. For everyone else, the trick may never be noticed.

Step by Step:
1. Get a prying type object. A pen will do.

2. I suggest switching the following keys I-O , N-M and perhaps even E-R. In my experience most people do not realize right away that the keys are switched when doing those keys.

3. Put the prying object under a key on the keyboard and pop it out. Don't worry they are meant to be able to be removed for cleaning purposes.

Razor's Retro Reviews: Hysteria - Def Leppard

I picked up the Def Leppard album Hysteria over the weekend at a used record store for $3.99. I didn’t even know they made this album on vinyl. I would have assumed that vinyl liquified on contact with music this epic.

At any rate, I gave it a listen and I thought that it would be a fun album to review. Hysteria was the follow-up to Def Leppard’s breakout album ‘Pyromania’.

This album took four years to make and it was during this hiatus that drummer Rick Allen lost his left arm in a car accident. He stayed with the band and had a custom drum set made that would allow him to do some of the drumming that he used to do with his left arm, but with his legs. They also attached an electronic drum kit to the whole thing.

In an attempt to be taken seriously, I’ll throw a few facts your way:

- Def Leppard is one of only six rock bands with two original albums selling over 10 million copies each in the U.S. The others are The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Eagles and Van Halen.

- Hysteria has sold 18 million albums worldwide

- It was produced by Mutt ‘I’m banging Shania Twain’ Lange

- It was ranked #472 on Rolling Stones 500 Best Albums of all-time

- Hysteria reached #1 on the US Billboard charts

- Hysteria charted 7 singles on the US Billboard charts, with ‘Love Bites’ being its only #1 single

I’m not trying to transform anyone into a Def Leppard fan, I’m just trying to convince you that they’re not as bad as we all seem to think, and that at one time, they were on top of the world. I know that my hometown radio station has pretty much ruined Def Leppard for everyone I grew up with by playing their music on a steady loop, but I thought that I’d give them another try.

Here’s the review:

#1 “Women”

This was the first song released as a single in the US and it reached #80 on the charts. It’s an OK song, but probably not worthy to open an album like this. I don’t think that I’ve heard this song played on the radio or, in fact, ever. I actually already forget how it sounds.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

He was born with a passion, love and hate

A restless spirit with a need for a mate

But there was somethin' that was missin', somethin' lost

So he came with the answer, here's what it cost

One part love, one part wild

One part lady, one part child

I give you Women! women! -

Lots of pretty women

Men! men! - They can't live without them

Women! women! - Lots of pretty women

Men! men! - They can't live without them

#2 “Rocket”

Now we’re talking! I always rock out to this song, I don’t care what anyone says. And you can’t just say ‘Rocket’, you have to yell it in the ear of the person closest to you…Rock-it! Pelvic thrusting is strictly optional. This song reached #12 on the US charts, but it will always be first in my heart.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

I can take you thru the center of the dark

We're gonna fly

On a collision course to crash into my heart

I will be your, I will be your, I'll be your

Rocket yeah satellite of love

Rocket yeah satellite of love

Rocket yeah satellite of love Rocket baby!

C'mon, I'll be your satellite of love

Here’s the video:




The video might lead you to believe that there are some political undertones to this song, but that's patently false. Does anyone else think that Joe Elliot looks like that disturbingly manly aunt who never quite managed to convince you as a child that she was a woman?

#3 “Animal”

Ah yes, another classic hit! But I would consider it the poor man’s “Rocket”….Rock-it! This song reached #19 on the US charts. The lyrics are somewhat telegraphic due to a serious lack of transitional expressions:

And I want and I need

And I lust animal

What the hell does that mean?! Is he lusting for animals? Or lusting like an animal? Is it purposely left open to interpretation? Only the animals and their ruptured colons know for sure.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Cry wolf, given mouth to mouth

Like a movin' heartbeat in the witching hour

I'm runnin' with the wind, a shadow in the dust

And like the drivin' rain, yeah, like the restless rust

I never sleep

#4 “Love Bites”

The epitome of rock ballads! I’ve spend more time finding solace in this song, as a teenager, than any self-respecting person should be willing to admit. If we had emos in the 80’s, they’d all be clamoring for this song. Take note Simple Plan, take a lot of notes…

This song also introduced me to the hi-tech digital speaking voice-over that has become so popular in songs…ok, it was never popular…but it still kicks ass. ‘Love Bites’ reached #1 on the US charts. What song did ‘Love Bites’ need to overtake to reach #1? Don’t Worry Be Happy. Take that Bobby McFerrin!!

This songs raises many profound questions for all couples to consider:

When you make love, do you look in the mirror?

Who do you think of, does he look like me?

Do you tell lies and say that it's forever?

Do you think twice, or just touch 'n' see?

These questions were all going to be asked during that Dr.Phil/Britney Spears interview that got cancelled. It’s probably best that we never got the answers.

That Spears bitch is hot, but crazy. You know?

Here’s the video:




I have to admit, I have no fucking clue as to what’s going on in this video. 80% of the damn thing is nothing more than shots of the band doing jack shit.

#5 “Pour Some Sugar On Me”

Over the course of history, many things have been done in the name of love. Poetry has been written, wars have been fought, and now, thanks to Def Leppard, sugar has been poured.

Of all the songs to make it big, this has got to be the dumbest, but Def Leppard pulls it off. I don’t know how, but I love this song. It gets me going.

This song reached #2 on the Billboard charts. Man, the song that kept it from reaching #1 must have been a doozy. Let’s look that up…humm, it’s…you’re kidding me: Hold on to the Nights by Richard Marx?! Def Leppard got beat by Richard Marx?! 1988 wasn't just a different time, it was a different fucking planet.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on

Livin' like a lover with a radar phone

What the hell is a radar phone?!…

You got the peaches, I got the cream

Sweet to taste, saccharine

SACCHARINE! Never before and never again will this word be used in lyrics, NEVER…cherish the moment people…

Here’s the video:

There’s a general rule about concerts where you’re considered an idiot if you wear a band shirt of the actual band that you’re there to watch…well, what happens if the lead singer is wearing his own band shirt? Does that make it ok for the rest of us? I can’t believe these guys used to be cool, it baffles the mind and destroys the spirit.

About halfway through watching this one, I couldn’t help but feel that I’ve seen the exact same video but performed by another band, and then it hit me:

I guess some good came out of the Def Leppard era…

#6 “Armageddon It”

I actually had to see this title in writing before I knew what this song was actually called. The first thing that I noticed about this song is that it’s way too long for what it is; it should be two minutes shorter as the end just rambles on. The second thing I realized was that this expression was never going to catch on, which you know Def Leppard was hoping it would. It’s just too wordy:

Razor: Hey boss, what do you want me to do with this stack of environmental reports?

Boss (trying to be hip): Armagunit…armag…armageddit..

Razor: Armageddon it?

Boss: Just shred them…

All that aside, it’s a rocking song and easy to get into. This one reached #3 on the charts.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

You try comin' on when you need some...

But then you don't 'cos you already did

Yeah, you jangle your jewels while your shakin' ya...

And drive the pretty boys outta their heads

What the fuck is going on with these lyrics? At first, when I read ‘Jangle your jewels’, I think testicles…but in the next line they’re talking about driving the pretty boys outta their heads, are they in a gay bar? Is Def Leppard gay? Why am I agonizing of questions that are obviously true? I think that I’ll just move on.

Here the video…and before you accuse me of finding a version of the ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ video with the song dubbed over it, pay attention to the very beginning where it clears states ‘Armageddon It’:

It’s the same damn video! From the same concert! I even recognized members from the audience that were in the ‘Sugar’ video! The girl that appears at 2:01 of this video appears at 1:18 of the video for ‘Sugar’. What the hell?! Was it a budgeting decision? Did they really not have enough money to finance a whole new video for this song?! I would have been insulted had I been a fan back in the day…

Side B

#7 “Gods of War”

Here’s the thing about this song, in terms of popularity, no one’s probably heard it before, but it really isn’t any different from any of the other songs that were released from this album like ‘Animal’ or ‘Armageddon It’. So what happened? Did Def Leppard develop a conscience at some point and say, ‘Hey, we’ve sold enough records and made enough money, let’s stop releasing singles off this album, we don’t want to saturate our fans.' It’s too bad, because this is probably the one song that isn’t complete gibberish. It’s an anti-war song, ‘Stop fightin' for the gods of war/Yeah what the hell we fightin' for?’

Of course, Def Leppard are British, so I’m not sure if they’re protesting a specific war or war in general or the war on dental hygiene, because there weren’t too many wars going on in 1988. Either way, this song seems to have a point, which is more than I can say about most songs on this album.

#8 “Don’t Shoot Shotgun”

The only thing different about this song is the guitar solo about ¾ into it…I couldn’t tell you who the guitar player is off the top of my head. This song probably has the funniest beginning on the album:

Run for cover (Run for cover)

Don't shoot! - Shoot!

She's so dangerous

(Shotgun!)

(Gun!)

(Don't shoot shotgun!)

I honestly can’t remember anything else about this song past the intro, so it can’t be that good.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right

Fallin' head over heals at the speed of light

Hey little miss heaven on earth

Whoa, won't you walk this way but I see a red alert

Oh, my senses say keep away

So don't shoot!

#9 “Run Riot”

Garbage…Next song

#10 “Hysteria”

Oh can you feel it? Do you believe it? It’s such a magical mysteria. What’s that? Mysteria isn’t a word? According to Def Leppard it is, so who are you to challenge them? Fuck you

This is the best song on side B, and the only one to reach the charts (peaked at #10). I like this song, even though it’s so repetitive…It’s trying to do the same with ‘Hys-ter-ia-a-a-a’ that it did with ‘Rock-it!’, but it doesn’t quite work that way. You can’t scare the shit out of anyone by sneaking up on them and yelling ‘Hys-ter-i-a-a-a'

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

Hysteria when you're near

Out of me, into you yeah

You could hide it's just a one way street

Oh, I believe I'm in you, yeah

Open wide, that's right, dream me off my feet

Oh, believe in me

Here’s the video:




Man, I really don’t get Leppard videos. The ballroom dancing in particular bothers me, because it makes me feel tingly down there. If you know what I mean. We’re almost done…

#11 “Excitable”

I’m starting to get tired of listening to this album. More garbage music where they pretty much shout random slogans to get you ‘excited’, get it? Excitable…excited…forget it…

#12 “Love and Affection”

The last song of the album! Woohoo! Side A was great, but side B has been a painful ride…This song is all about sex and sexual innuendos and more sex. In terms of music, I’ve already blocked it from my memory, so it can’t be that good.

Cringe-worthy lyrics:

You got the fire, baby, I got the heat, can you handle it?

I got the time, baby, you got the need, oh surrender it

Oh, it's a passion crime with a danger sign, oh, can you handle it?

You're just another girl, I'm just another man, it's just another night

And there you have it, ‘Hysteria’ by Def Leppard, one of the greatest albums produced in the 1980s, summarized and analyzed for your reading pleasure. Hey, it could be worse, I could have sat you down and made you listen to it, or made you watch their videos. Wait. I did do that last one.

Razor Rant: 9 Bus Rules for Non-assholes.

Just like millions of people every day, I walk out my front door in the morning only to face the harsh reality that I am taking the bus to work. The Guess Who wrote a song about it, a fucking stupid song to be sure, but they nail situation right on the money.

Sure, I can say that my reasons for taking the bus are environmental and that I’m trying to save the planet and all that bullshit. To be honest, I’d take my car everyday, but I just can’t afford the parking and the stress of having to drive would kill me.

I didn’t always hate taking the bus, and in fact, I used to see it as a good stress-free way to get from point A to point B. I just didn’t factor in the other morons that need to take the bus too. It’s those morons that have ruined it for me, and probably a lot of other people too. I don’t even have to tell you who I’m talking about, if you have ever taken the bus then you know who I mean: people who have no concept of where they are and don’t care how their behaviour affects those around them. This is a lot like the grocery store people.

Here are a few basic rules that, if followed, would make public transportation bearable again:

1) One Person = One Seat – Public transportation isn’t necessarily meant to be comfortable. You paid what, $2-$3 for your ride? You can’t expect much for that price, so accept the fact that you need to share with others and don’t sprawl yourself out over two-three seats. Other people would like to sit too. Who the fuck do you think you are?! Just the other day, I saw 4 guys at the back of the bus occupy 11 seats! They were sprawled out in the same way you would in your own living room. Handy tip: the bus is not your house. While we’re on the subject of taking up sitting space…

2) Don’t Put Your Bag on the Seat – I don’t care how difficult a day your bag had, it wasn’t any harder than mine, and therefore I shouldn’t have to stand for 30 minutes while your books get a comfortable ride. You want to bring shit on the bus, put it on the ground in front of you or in your lap. I’m tired, I want to sit, which brings me to this…

3) If there’s a Seat Available, Sit your Ass Down – It drives me nuts when there are plenty of seats available but people insist on standing up and clogging up the aisle. Why won’t you sit down?! What are you afraid of? Was there ever a tuck-and-roll period of public transportation that I missed?

Rest assured, when you get to your stop, you’ll have plenty of time to get up from your seat and get off the bus. Just sit your ass down, it makes me nervous. Of course, the bus can sometimes be pretty full, which means that you have to stay standing, in which case…

4) Don’t Block the Doors – This is my #1 pet peeve on the bus, it drives me absolutely fucking nuts when people block the damn doors and put absolutely no effort in getting out of the way. I understand that someone has to stand in front of the door when the bus is at capacity, but if you’re that someone, be aware of the people around you and do everything you can to get out of the way. The best thing to do is to step off the bus for five seconds while you let people out and step back on. The bus driver is not going to take off while the door is open, so just step off, then step on….step off, step on…it’s that easy. While we’re on the subject of standing on the bus…

5) Hold on To Something – It’s simple physics…when the bus sets forth in motion, it sets you in motion…when the bus stops, you’re still in motion and if you’re not holding on to anything, you’re going to go flying. This might seem funny at first, but if you’re in the path of the 50 year old Italian woman who doesn’t have the presence of mind to brace herself, it’s going to get awkward. You see, she doesn’t want to fall, who can blame her, so she’ll grasp at everything and anything in order to stop her fall, and that anything could just be you. You should especially hold on to something if you have a backpack, which brings me to the following…

6) Take Off Your Backpack – There are three main reasons for this one, the first being the point above, the second being that you’re taking up unnecessary space and the third being that you’re going to nail someone in the head. If I have a backpack and I’m forced to stand up, I take it off and put it on the ground between my legs, it doesn’t get in anyone’s way and I don’t feel like a dickhead. Most importantly, if you keep your backpack on, chances are pretty good that you’re going to hit one of the people lucky enough to get a seat in the head…and that’s not cool. You may hate them because they’re sitting, but it’s not their fault, they're just following rule #3, so have enough presence of mind to ensure that you don’t nail anyone in the head. If you do hit someone, apologize, but make sure to follow the last rule…

7) Don’t Talk above the Noise – I’ll be straight with you: if I’m sitting across from you, I don’t care who you are or what you look like, I don’t give a shit about what you’re saying to your friend of to the other idiot on the other side of that conversation. I’m not asking you not to talk on the bus; I’m just asking that you monitor the volume because I don’t want to hear whatever fool thing you have to say. Chances are pretty good that you’re an idiot and what you say will anger me. Example, there was this one guy talking with his buddy and bragging about going to high school with…I don’t even remember the guy’s name…he was a quarterback for the Giants and he was on that ‘Bachelor’ show…his last name was Palmer…it doesn’t fucking matter, it was just one in a series of conversations I want erased from my memory.

8) Have your fare ready -- Except under exceptional circumstance (i.e. you had to run to catch the bus), you should never count out your bus fare on the bus. Sure, you may not know EXACTLY how much bus fare is....but you have a fucking idea. Have your goddamn change ready before the bus arrives. Better yet, buy bus tickets or a bus pass. You are not important enough to hold up a bus full of people that are anxious to get home. Sorry I had to burst your bubble there.

9) Move to the back of the bus-- People get on at the front of the bus. If you are clogging up the front, then life become difficult for everyone. Don't be douche.

If everyone follows these simple rules, trust me, people may actually start to enjoy taking the bus…this could be revolutionary…but it won’t.