Friday, December 21, 2007

WTF - Look Who's Linked to Us, by Glenn

My post on porn terminology was construed as a reaction to a particular website. That is sort of fair since I do a lot of my browsing on that particular site.

Anyway, here is a link to a listing of blogs that have mentioned thehunDOTcom. If I am to be judged by the company I keep, I am a filthy, filthy whore of a man.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Razor's Retro Reviews: The Beatles' White Album (Side 2)

Side Two

It is a little known fact that Ringo referred to his wang as the "fifth" Beatle.

1. Martha My Dear (McCartney)

Like side one, side two begins with a McCartney song, which was a solo effort, without the influence of any of the other Beatles. It’s a lovely song without much substance, which McCartney has been known to effortlessly churn out.

According to, ‘Paul McCartney, the primary author of the White Album's "Martha My Dear," has been both lauded and reviled for his ability to toss off impeccably crafted pop songs about trivial subjects, transcending their somewhat superficial lyrical agendas through sheer melodic strength and ingenious arrangements. "Martha My Dear" is one of the more frequently cited examples of those qualities.’

What they said.

It’s a good song but easily overshadowed by many of the other songs on the album.

Here’s a funny little video I found featuring ‘Martha My Dear’:

2. I’m So Tired (Lennon)

Lennon wrote this song at 3 in the morning so it’s a fitting title. It also expressed the boredom and restlessness he felt in his life at the time. Lennon pleads over and over again ‘I’ll give you everything I’ve got for a little piece of mind’. The song starts off with a pretty slow tempo but picks up to deliver a pretty damn good song. It’s also one of the more ‘normal’ songs on the album, especially for Lennon.

3. Blackbird (McCartney)

Finally, McCartney starts pulling his weight with this wonderful acoustic song, the beauty of which lies in its simplicity. As for the lyrics, they’re a metaphor used by McCartney to show his support for the black civil rights movements of the world.

"That Britney Spears bitch is crazy."

Unfortunately, that’s not how Charles Manson interpreted the song, as he thought the song predicted the uprising of the black people that would give rise to Armageddon. This is one of three songs on this album that Charles Manson cited as his justification for the murders committed in his name.

4. Piggies (Harrison)

This song gives one the impression that Harrison put all his efforts into ‘While My Guitar…’ and was wiped out when it came to contributing more material for the album. The song works as social commentary about class and corporate greed but it just sounds childish. It’s very difficult to take this song seriously and is therefore one of the weaker moments on the album.

I hate to bash Harrison, but he leaves me no choice here. Charles Manson, on the other hand, took this song too seriously as he interpreted the line ‘What they need's a damn good whacking’ as a call to arms against the police…this is the second of the three songs that influenced Mr. Manson

Here’s a cute little montage:

5. Rocky Raccoon (McCartney)

While ‘Back in the USSR’ took a shot at the Beach Boys, ‘Rocky Raccoon’ takes a shot at Bob Dylan, basically saying, ‘I can do what you do, I just choose not to’. Two in a row for McCartney, as this song is fun as hell. I particularly enjoy the use of the old school saloon piano. This song tells the story of a loser who loses his woman to another man, and challenges his rival to a gunfight, with bad consequences. It sounds like a serious song, but it isn’t, it’s very light-hearted.

Check out this video, it’s ‘Rocky Raccoon’ acted out by Warcraft characters, it’s well done:

6. Don’t Pass Me By (Starr)

This was Ringo’s only contribution on the album…poor Ringo, he tries so hard. It’s an OK song, but clearly doesn’t live up to the rest of the album. It’s catchy, and to be honest, this is the only one of their albums where this song would fit. Fun Fact: This song was, inexplicably, a huge hit in Sweden where it hit #1 on their pop charts…crazy Swedes, you just don’t know what they’ll do next.

Two out of four Swedish twins agree: Ringo is sexy, ja!

Here’s a video of the song playing over that train cartoon show where Ringo played the conductor:

7. Why Don’t We Do It in the Road? (McCartney)

McCartney is at it again with his weird shit. This song is under 2 minutes and simply repeats the title over and over again, but it’s also probably the bluesiest thing McCartney’s ever done. Really, McCartney does the blues, and he’s very good at it.

Once again, it’s probably his way of saying, ‘I can do this if I want, I choose not to’.He wrote this song when he saw two monkees go at it in the middle of a road in India and loved the simplicity of it.

Christ Linda, I'm a rock star not a chew toy.

8. I Will (McCartney)

McCartney follows up his song about crazy monkey love with a type of song that’s more his type. ‘I Will’ is a sweet and simple ballad that he wrote for his wife Linda. It’s a nice song that nicely contrasts the blues of the previous song. This one also falls under two minutes, and although it does seem simple, it took 68 takes to get it right.

9. Julia (Lennon)

Side two comes to an end with a Lennon ballad that he wrote about his mother, Julia Lennon. This is the only Beatles song that Lennon plays and sings unaccompanied by the other Beatles (McCartney on the other hand did it several times). It’s a nice slow song, but nothing special. I personally find it a little whinny and a poor choice to cap off side two of the album.

Overall, side two was a hit and miss side. It’s not as good as side one, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not better than anything else out there, especially that rap crap the kids listen to. McCartney is the superstar on this side of the album while Lennon disappoints a bit by offering up only a few tepid ballads. Harrison and Starr’s contributions are also forgettable.

Razor's Retro Reviews: The Beatles' White Album (Side 1)

The Beatles White Album, recorded in 1968, was the anti-Sergeant Pepper. While Sergeant Pepper is a unified concept album with each song running seemlessly into the next, the White Album is a clusterfuck of mis-matched songs that have no business following one another on any album.

Does it matter? No, the album still works; it shouldn’t work, but it really does. I guess that’s just a testament to how good the Beatles were. Each Beatle began to find his own niche at this point in their careers, which accounts for the dis-jointedness of the Album.

Liverpool is full of white supremacist bastards.

Here's Side ONE

1. Back in the USSR (McCartney)

McCartney wrote this as a tribute/jab at the Beach Boys’ California sound. Paul wanted to write a song that had a Soviet Union sound and this is what came of his intentions. It’s actually one of the catchiest tunes on the album and it’s very easy to get into.

2. Dear Prudence (Lennon)

This is my favorite song on the album and one of Lennon’s best ballads. It is just pretty, there’s no other word for it. It was written about a woman Lennon met in India, who was actually Mia Farrow’s sister. You know, Mia Farrow, the woman Woody Allen cheated on with one of their adopted children? I shouldn’t be mentioning this when reviewing such a great song.

In this video, you get to see awesome footage of the Beatles in India. I’m sure Prudence makes an appearance, but I couldn’t tell you who she is.

3. Glass Onion (Lennon)

Glass Onion was written as a bit of a ‘fuck you’ from Lennon to the obsessive Beatles fan who read too much into the Beatles music, the most famous line being ‘Here’s another clue/The Walrus is Paul’. Of course, the same obsessive fans took that as another sign that Paul was dead (note: there used to be a conspiracy theory that Paul was dead and that the remaining Beatles planted clues about his death in Beatles songs).The song itself is good, but nothing spectacular. It’s a very tongue-in-cheek song and Lennon called it a ‘throw-away’ song, but it was good enough to make the album.

4. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (McCartney)

The ‘popiness' of this song leaves no doubt that this is McCartney's. What does ‘Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da’ mean? Life goes on. Simple enough

It’s one of the bands most popular songs and one that pays tribute to reggae music, which started to be popular in England in the late 1960’s, largely due to the increased influx of Jamaican immigrants to the country. The song tells the story of two characters, Desmond and Molly, who meet, fall in love and spend the rest of their lives together. How about giving your characters a little obstacle to overcome there McCartney? Too much substance can be dangerous.

Trivia time: Paul actually fucked up during the recording of this song. During the second part of the song, Paul sings about how Desmond works in a market place, and Molly sings in a band. This section is repeated in the final act, but with the roles of Desmond and Molly accidentally reversed. According to Paul, they were so sick of recording this song that they just left it.

5. Wild Honey Pie (McCartney)

This is where shit starts to get weird. McCartney was in an ‘experimental’ mood, so he wrote this little one-minute number where he just yells ‘Honey Pie’ with a Native American-influenced sound in the background.

And when I say ‘wrote’, I mean…I don’t know what I mean. This wasn’t supposed to make the album, but Patti Boyd (Harrison’s wife) loved it so much, that it stayed. Patti Boyd, for all who don’t know, was the subject of Harrison’s song ‘Something’ and Clapton’s ‘Layla’ and ‘Wonderful Tonight’.

Was she really that hot? You decide:

Rare photo of Patti without her oat bag.

Pst...Eric. I think I see George, and he's got a gun.

Here’s the song:

6. The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill (Lennon)

This is a fun and crazy song, and it’s also an historical song. This is the only song in the Beatles catalogue that has a female solo part, as sung by, you guessed it, Yoko Ono. This Lennon tune was influenced, once again, by his time in India, where one of his fellow followers of the Maharishi would leave the commune to go hunting, and once killed a tiger.

John, who obviously didn't approve of killing God's creatures, relates this incident through this very sarcastic and spiteful retelling, juxtaposed with a very upbeat tempo. Lennon did a good job, considering that storytelling in music was usually known as Paul’s strong point.

7. While My Guitar Gently Weeps (Harrison)

This is George’s first contribution to the album, and probably his finest ever for any album. The story goes that Harrison wanted to write a song about the first words he read by randomly opening a book, and those words were ‘gently weeps’. The other Beatles weren’t sold on the song until Harrison brought in one of his best friends, Eric Clapton, aka God, to play the lead guitar on the song and that just changed everything.

Check out this footage from the concert for Bangladesh in 1971:

8. Happiness is a Warm Gun (Lennon)

This is the last song on side one of the album, and it’s absolutely brilliant. I think that Lennon combined 5 songs in one for this number because it comes off as a medley, but it’s all one wonderful song. This is the type of song that probably heavily influenced bands like Radiohead. When I first heard it I thought it was a play on words, ‘A penis is a warm gun’, but I’ve never found anything that could substantiate that, so I’m basically full of shit. This song is often attributed the meaning of being about heroine addictions, but Lennon always denied this.

Taken as a whole, this is the strongest side of the album, despite the fact that none of the songs really seem to mesh. It produced the greatest Harrison song ever and two of Lennon’s strongest contributions to the Beatles. McCartney’s contributions were a bit weak here, with ‘Back in the USSR’ being his best on this album side. We also only start to scratch the surface of how weird this album is going to get with songs like ‘Wild Honey Pie’. Stay tuned for more…

Monday, December 3, 2007

Porn 101: Addendum, by Glenn

For all you clueless people out there, I will add a few more keywords that you may wish to avoid when surfing free porn sites, or not, depending on how much you like cock and how you like having it served to you. (Personally, I prefer my cock erect and attached to me.)

1. Tranny: Tranvestite, not some sort of weird train, though the concept of a tranny train does horrify me to no end. A dude dressed as a woman. Worse than a she-male in that you can't even cite ambiguity as a defense.

That's just my econo-sized lipstick honey. Where were we?

2. She-male: Basically, a hermaphrodite, which is somebody with both mommy and daddy parts. The stuff of nightmares or fantasy depending on whether or not you are a perverted gender invert. At least 2 of the 4 posters on this blog fit this description. (Hint: Their names rhyme with Lazer and Whoops).

3. Guy: If the word guy is mentioned, chances are he is the focus. Avoid. Unless you are into girls getting impaled on telephone poles (who isn't? Am I the only recovering "blacks on blondes" fetishist?).

4. Fetish: Never a good idea, unless you are the twisted freak this stuff is catering to. In that case, knock yourself out. Remember, there is no going back.

5. Watersports: Emptying your piss-sack on an appreciative partner. That pretty much sums it up, except instead of enjoying what is no doubt a great activity, you are just watching.

In fact, if any of this needed explaining, you best avoid the internet all together. It will wither your soul and haunt your dreams.

Porn Terminology 101: Euphemisms for Ugly, by Glenn

Wanna watch me get my freak on?

A world without porn would be a joyless fuckscape. A world without free porn would be a million times worse, or just as bad, I don't have the patience to work that out.

Thankfully, free porn sites exist. The problem? They want you to look at ugly people having sex, and they are willing to trick you to do it (like goatse, but less horrifying). It is classic bait and switch. They label a link something innocuous, like 'Wife taking a facial', and then link you to an ugly chick...taking a facial.

For those of you who frequent such sites (e.g., I have compiled a short list of code words that mean ugly. So, if you aren't prepared to see ugly people have sex, take down all the mirrors in your bedroom and do not click on links with the following key words:

1. Wife: Not yours. The misshapen meat-bag somebody else has to screw. You want to escape reality, not stare it in the over-sized labia.

2. Mom: I know what you are thinking. You are about to see a woman with a little experience, some curves maybe. Wrong. Mom is code for old ugly chick. If the link is to a 'hot' mom having sex, then it will say MILF (though that's no garantee). Don't say that I didn't warn you.

3. Grandma: Ironically, the grandmas might be better looking, if saggier, than the 'moms'. No teef is always a plus. A horny grandma has lived several lifetimes though, not that STDs have prevented me from lusting over Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, or Jessical Alba.

4. BBW: Stands for big beautiful women, and actually means fat. If you are into fat chicks, then go nuts. Just don't expect beautiful. I mean, we aren't going to overlook your ugliness just because you're fat.

5. Amateur: People that have yet to be offered money to have sex on camera, either because they are too classy or because they are ugly, usually the latter. It is usally worth the risk though.

6. 'Classic' porn: I don't know what happened to chicks in the 70s, but it must have involved an ugly stick, a bottle of Southern Comfort, and Ike Turner.