Too Hot (read shite) for Cracked, by Glenn

So, my first 'cracked' article was published on New Year's eve. This was a bit of a surprise since I thought I was supposed to go up on January 6th.

My only regret is that I didn't get to see it up on the front page. I love most of what the Cracked editorial team did with it. The pics were awesome, and they managed to shorten something that was so long nobody would bother to read it.

You see, I can be verbose and extremely vulgar, two qualities that don't necessarily mesh well with a website like Cracked, or other human beings more generally. An earlier version of the published article was much longer. I am posting a few of my favorite cutting room floor favorites here so that they receive the obscurity they deserve.

CUTS 1
Context: Part of a jar opener entry that was left out of the published article (my original list was 11, they kept 10)

Our girlish hands and queerly slight wrists have their advantages, like being able to comfortably fist virgins for example (A practice that we are convinced was the inspiration for ‘Sound of love’ by Danko Jones, to which we enjoy ‘air-fisting’ while making beat-box style squishing sounds). Easy jar opening, however, is not among them. Anything that keeps us from being publicly emasculated when failing to open a jar, only to have an elderly and amputee aunt manage the feat, is ok in our books.

What do I think? Vulgar and obscure=awesomeness. Yet, the crackedness is lacking. To be honest, I included this thing to make sure the "where's my dinner bitch?" thing got through editorial.

CUTS 2
Context: From an earlier version of the Tiddy Bear item

Attaching to seatbelts so that you can move it ‘up and down to relieve pressure wherever you need it.’ Apparently, breasts are a lot like tectonic plates: the pressure hot-spots lie along the ‘tiddy’-cleavage fault line. Thus, you ladies out there can explain away those herpes sores between your funbags as ‘volcanoes’ generated by the collision of, wait for it, ‘tit-tonic’ plates.

It is hard to imagine why two adults would find the concept of a seatbelt foreign, probably because we’re too busy imagining some hardcore tiddy-humping.

At first we thought the advertisers were doing this really clever thing where they named the bear ‘tiddy’ and then showed it attached to some munificent cleavage, and then everyone in the know would know what the bear is REALLY for. But then they show us two guys and some kids using the same goddamn product. This makes us think that the subtext, like your conception and fortuitous escape from the abortion bucket, was unplanned and greeted with shame and horror upon discovery.

What do I think? I love that last paragraph, but the final line (and my favorite) is too far off base. I still think it is funny as a stand alone line without a premise to constrain it. Also, it is probably best not to hit people over the head with something that obvious.

CUTS 3
Context: Earlier version of the Magnescribe item

Notice that Magnet pen lady is placing her order over the phone and taking notes with…a Magnet Pen? The catch-22 paradox that this sets up actually stops time temporarily whenever someone watches the clip.

We are to believe that the magnet is strong enough to hold the pen in place no matter what, but weak enough so that we can manage to yank it off without bruising our neck? The necklace must be for hanging yourself off a balcony the first time your Magnet Pen accidentally drops to the floor and rolls under your couch, and you realize that you’ve been had.

What do I think? Not the greatest line ever, but it completes the classic 'fisting, abortion, suicide' trifecta that all comedians should strive for.

CUTS 4
Context: Earlier version of the Miracle Blade commercial

“The French are a tough audience. If they like the knives, you know they are good.” Frankly, we’re surprised the audience wasn’t just a bunch of world-weary bullfrogs in stripped shirts, their sardonic smiles barely discernable through the cigarette smoke and the sea of navy-blue berets, each of which cocked to the side in a calculatedly carefree and jaunty manner. If Chef Tony really wanted to sell knives in America, he would then cleave a frog or two in half as a demonstration of the knife and a symbol of American hegemony in Europe.

What do I think? Too much text and not enough payoff, but I like it anyway.

CUTS 5

Context: The first two sentences are in the article. The final sentence was deleted by the editors. I can't blame them. This one is for the Easytoothbrush.

The ‘conventional’ toothbrush receives a look that is pregnant with contempt and scrotum-ablating scorn. In contrast, the ‘easy toothbrush’ receives an appreciative head nod. It is easy to imagine her reacting to ‘asian guy’ and ‘black guy’ at a bukkake party instead of two oral hygiene products.

What do I think? The chick in the ad looks like a porn star. I understand why they wouldn't want to gratuitously dirty up an article for no reason though.

Overall
Notice that the cuts, when taken together, would make a longer article than most. So there's that.