Saturday, January 19, 2008

A sensible person comments on 10 increasingly depraved sex acts, by Glenn


Normal people concern themselves with things that are mainstream. This is as true for news and entertainment as it is for sex. Consider, if you will, that here was a time when a 'blowjob' was one of the most intimate acts imaginable, and not something to talk about publicly.

Nowadays blowjobs are as common as
shaking hands, among teenagers and their role-models at least.

You see, sexual norms change all the time; Today's wanton act of depravity is tomorrow's good-night kiss. So I wondered, what does the future have in store? For your convenience, I have compiled a list of terms for sex acts that may become the next big thing, loosely ranking them according to their level of debauchery.

10. Facial
What it is: Easily the most mainstream sex act on this list, it is featured in virtually every porno available on the internet. Basically, 'facial' means the same thing as the common use of the word. It involves smearing a protein-heavy substance all over the face. Only with sex, the substance is baby-bater, and fair targets include the eyes and mouth.

My take: Ladies, nobody expects you to allow this. If you do, however, you have immediately identified yourself as marriage material. If you haven't gotten on board, then you had better soon. All those promiscuous teenagers (raised on internet porn) will soon be on the market for a man to settle down with.

9. Buckin Bronco

What it is: Fundamentally, Buckin Bronco may only be performed while engaging in doggy-style intercourse. From there, it is possible to get creative. All a guy has to do is say or do something vile enough for the woman he is having sex with to try to run away (e.g. say: I fucked your sister). The time between this reveal and the woman actually breaking free is measured, and taken to be analogous to riding bulls at the rodeo.

My take: The possibilities are endless, and range from the hilarious ('I fucked your sister'), the reprehensible ('I have AIDS'), to the cruel (picking up a fat chick, only to have your friends barge in during sex). I wouldn't dare try it myself, but clearly it is best practised with a chick that you never intend to have sex with again. Or one with a good sense of humour. Fellas, if you find one that puts up with this, she's a keeper.

8. Donkey punch
What it is: Inducing an involuntary contraction of the vagina and or anus via a solid punch or blow to the back of the head.

My take: The purpose here seems to be increasing penile stimulation when you are on the verge of ejaculation. Like so many other sexual acts in this list, it seems a little short-sighted. So you have a slightly better orgasm just PUNCHED YOUR PARTNER IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!

7. Rusty trombone
What it is: I always thought this meant having sex with a woman while she was on her rag. tells me that it is actually a combination of analingus and a handjob, because apparently getting your asshole eaten out (technical term: rimjob) isn't enough to get some people over their doldrums.

My take: Combined with 'salad tossing', which is analingus with syrup or whipped cream, it may be possible to convince somebody to do it for you, I suppose. You know, those people that eat all the time because it masks their deepest emotional scars?...fat chicks. Yeah. Fat chicks might do this for you. Otherwise, having never heard anyone of my acquaintances talk about this, I can only assume that the 'someone' who agrees to it will generally be of the crack-whore variety. That, or I need new, less stuck-up, friends.

6. Glass bottom boat
What it is: If you ever pressed your face against a window and made a funny face, then you get the general idea. Only replace the word 'face' with 'genitals' or 'a pile of feces' and the word window with 'glass table'.

My take: Safe. I will give it that. It has a bit of a voyeur thing going for it. The complete lack of contact makes me wonder whether this can be considered a sex act at all. I guess it is like a stip tease, only instead of teasing you take a shit, which, if you are still keeping score, is the exact opposite of is pretty much all out there on the line.

5. Cleveland Steamer
What it is: Straddling somebody, taking a dump, and then rocking back and forth, to smooth it out like peanut butter apparently.

My take: I guess there is the thrill of being naughty, and the warm stimulation. The earthy smells, and what not...who am I kidding? This has to be made-up for the interwebs.

4. Blumpkin
What it is: The receipt of fellatio while pinching a loaf.

My take: Few things in life are sweeter than a massive dump, but a blowjob might be one of them. I can't decide if combining the two would be a bad thing (combining gum and nuts) or a good thing (combining ice cream and chocolate syrup). The point is likely moot though, as it would take a special kind of woman to agree to such a thing *cough* Amy Winehouse *cough*

3. Dirty Sanchez
What it is: Having sex with a woman, only to jam your finger in her ass mid-coitus. The purpose of this anal invasion is not to stimulate an additional erogenous zone, as you might expect. Rather, it is to cover your finger in all-natural paint that might be smeared on your partner's upper-lip.

My take: This one leaves me puzzled. On the one hand, I can understand that some dudes might have a fetish for mustachio ladies, especially when their staches are of the bad Mexican variety. On the other hand, it involves rubbing shit on your partner's face. If only that could be done with some type of plastic covering, then I might be less disconcerted.

2. Hot Plate
What it is: Ugh. So, you take Saran wrap right. You put it on someone's face, presumably making sure the person can still breathe, and then take a crap on them.

My take: I suppose it is better than taking a dump directly on somebody else's face, easier to clean up and all that. Less risk of pink eye. More sanitary than a Dirty Sanchez. Cudos humanity for being so profoundly perverted, and being so sensible about it.

1. Strawberry Shortcake
What it is: A male ejaculating on someone's face only to punch them in the nose moments later. The mix of blood and semen on the face, apparently, resembles a strawberry shortcake pastry, or possibly the character.

My take: This is the kind of thing that could only develop within the context of anonymous gay sex. Heterosexual males work too hard to track down women willing to give (good) head. There is no reason to burn bridges with a punch to the nose. That's bad for business. If she's crazy enough to deserve a punch in the nose, then you have violated rule 3, whereby 'putting your dick in crazy' is prescribed. In other words, try punching yourself in the face.


Anonymous said...

I wont be able to think of Dirty Sanchez in the same way ever again.

Glenn (Ed. SBF) said...

Anytime I read one of his posts, it is all I can think about. I can practically smell it.