Monday, December 3, 2007

Porn Terminology 101: Euphemisms for Ugly, by Glenn

Wanna watch me get my freak on?

A world without porn would be a joyless fuckscape. A world without free porn would be a million times worse, or just as bad, I don't have the patience to work that out.

Thankfully, free porn sites exist. The problem? They want you to look at ugly people having sex, and they are willing to trick you to do it (like goatse, but less horrifying). It is classic bait and switch. They label a link something innocuous, like 'Wife taking a facial', and then link you to an ugly chick...taking a facial.

For those of you who frequent such sites (e.g.http://www.thehun.com/), I have compiled a short list of code words that mean ugly. So, if you aren't prepared to see ugly people have sex, take down all the mirrors in your bedroom and do not click on links with the following key words:

1. Wife: Not yours. The misshapen meat-bag somebody else has to screw. You want to escape reality, not stare it in the over-sized labia.

2. Mom: I know what you are thinking. You are about to see a woman with a little experience, some curves maybe. Wrong. Mom is code for old ugly chick. If the link is to a 'hot' mom having sex, then it will say MILF (though that's no garantee). Don't say that I didn't warn you.

3. Grandma: Ironically, the grandmas might be better looking, if saggier, than the 'moms'. No teef is always a plus. A horny grandma has lived several lifetimes though, not that STDs have prevented me from lusting over Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, or Jessical Alba.

4. BBW: Stands for big beautiful women, and actually means fat. If you are into fat chicks, then go nuts. Just don't expect beautiful. I mean, we aren't going to overlook your ugliness just because you're fat.

5. Amateur: People that have yet to be offered money to have sex on camera, either because they are too classy or because they are ugly, usually the latter. It is usally worth the risk though.

6. 'Classic' porn: I don't know what happened to chicks in the 70s, but it must have involved an ugly stick, a bottle of Southern Comfort, and Ike Turner.

No comments: